(Closed) Hurtful FFIL: the truth comes out

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Okay….I read this and I wish I had more to say.

I would just pretend and assume he is giving you nothing, and then you can’t be disappointed. That is what we did. In the end, family gifted us with money as a gift.  Plenty of people offered to help cover this or that, but we never asked for it because let’s be real….they’re bad with money.

So that’s my .02!

But also I have to know, what effing cruise costs $20k????? Did he go around the world!?!?! $hit.

Post # 4
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

@MrsDulce:  and what’s with the $300 dinners?????

Post # 5
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Ugh 🙁  I’m so sorry.  Part of the reason that you’re probably so frustrated is because you’d just like to know either way if he’s helping or not.  Hang in there.  Don’t let him rain on your parade.  I don’t understand at all, but I hope it gets sorted out quickly and as cleanly as possible for you.  *hugs*

Post # 6
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I, too, would continue planning assuming you won’t have that money, and if you do, it’ll be a bonus.

Post # 8
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would just pretend and assume he is giving you nothing, and then you can’t be disappointed

I would do the same. It sounds like, with the way he has been with money lately, that the money he promises you might not even be there when it comes time to pay. Then you would really be in a pickle. That has certainly happened to some bees in the past. I would have a serious conversation about repurcussions of accepting money with your Fiance

Post # 9
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@BetterSherm:  Geez.  This would cause me so much stress too.

Here’s the thing:  IMO, the problem has ceased being your Future Father-In-Law (just pretend he didn’t offer you the money, plan your wedding, pay for your wedding, and if he can gift you some money, great) and has become your Fiance.  You’ve already checked in with your Future Father-In-Law and he can’t give you what he promised.  Checking in (“Hey…we’re booking the venue.  It’s $1600.  HOw much can you spare now?”) is kind of crazy given how “honest” your Future Father-In-Law has been.   Does this suck?  Yes.  Is it horrible that he’s blown through his money?  Yes (especially your FMIL’s insurance money…that really REALLY stinks).  Waiting to make decisions based on your Future Father-In-Law is just going to stress you out, make your Fiance feel awful, and make your Future Father-In-Law feel awful.

Your Future Father-In-Law has already told you that he expected you to start planning and paying for stuff 2 months before the wedding.  You don’t want to do that.  So really the only solution is to do this yourself and think of any money that your Future Father-In-Law can give you as a gift.  I think that you need to sit down with your Fiance and ask him what his ideal situation (knowing what you both know about your FFIL) looks like.  How long does your Fiance expect you to wait to plan?  Once he thinks about it, he should realise that it doesn’t make sense.

I agree with your last statement.  This is going to overshaddow every single decision if you keep having to go back to your Future Father-In-Law to “give him the chance to contribute”.  Don’t do this to yourselves.  There’s enough stress with weddings.  To me, this is done.  

I’m sorry you’re going through this.  Your Fiance must feel horrible.  But really, there is an easy solution to your stress: Do this yourselves.

Post # 11
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Technically, what he does with his money is his own business.   But since he did offer to pay for part of your wedding, he should tell you how much.  Unfortunately, that number appears to be zero.  I’m sorry you’re in this position.  He should’ve kept his big stupid mouth shut if he didn’t really want to help.

I think you guys should continue planning as if he’d never said anything about offering money. I think the bigger issue here is that he’s treating his flavor of the month girlfriend and her kids better than his own children.  For me, that would be enough reason to want to cut him off.  I also kind of wonder if the girlfriend will stick around when the money is all gone.

Where does your fiance’s grandfather fall in all of this?  He wanted to help too.  Why does your fiance have to go through his dad first?

Post # 13
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

None of this makes any sense to me. You know he is going broke, why would you keep asking or checking in or whatever you call it? If he isn’t going to be forthcoming with money and your parents are broke then why would you ask or accept money from either of them? Plan the wedding YOU can afford and be done with it. 

Post # 15
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@mixtapehearts:  I agree. Sorry OP but if you can afford to pay for this yourself, then just do it that way. If this guy is going broke, then regardless of what he’s wasted his money on, it’s not fair to take anything from him. If he has to wait a few weeks to ‘see what he can contribute’ then perhaps the situation is worse for him than he’s even telling you :/

Post # 16
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think the best way to handle who is paying for what is to do what we did…..   my husbands parents, my parents and the two of us all got together.  We went around the table and said how much each of us was willing to put in twards the wedding.  Then we had the total budget and my husband and I had to decide from the budget everything we would do for the rehersal dinner, wedding and honeymoon.  Then it was put into an account and we used that to pay for everything!!  It really was a great way to do it!  We did not expect anything from anybody and everybody was able to give what they were comfortable with towards the wedding. 

You need to establish a budget and then you can plan your wedding from whatever money you have.  I wouldnt pay any deposits or make any plans until you have a set budget!!

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