(Closed) Hurtful FFIL Update

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
788 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m so sorry that you and your Fiance are going through this. I honestly think you are better off not relying on him at all. It sounds like he wants the power to say that he’s paying just so that he can lord it over the two of you. It’s not fair – and honestly, his money with his nasty intentions aren’t a good omen anyway. If you give, give cheerfully or not at all.

Post # 4
Member
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m really sorry that you are dealing with this. Money issues are never fun and they cause a lot of strain.

I think that what’s causing the biggest issue here is that there’s no actual dollar amount to the conversation. I think that Fiance and you need to have a chat with Future Father-In-Law and ask him specifically the amount he’s comfortable contributing–becuase it sounds great to say, “Hey we’ll pay for x,y, and z” but if Future Father-In-Law got married 40 years ago, he has no idea what x, y, and z cost. It’ll probably be best for everyone involved for Future Father-In-Law to just hand over the check for whatever he feels like contributing and you two can apply the money as you see fit.

In lieu of that, like if he’s more comfortable psychologically paying for certain things and directing the funds that way, I think that you’ll have a much easier time if you scout venues and come back to him with pictures and proposals with the prices–a few budget-friendly options and some higher-priced options so he can get a sense of what he’s buying and the going rate for everything. Come back to him and present it all as if you are doing a proposal to your boss at work–more work for the two of you, but if you’re being gifted money, probably worth the effort.

And last but not least, if he won’t come to terms with a dollar amount or “doesn’t want to discuss it” but will grumble with each purchase, then consider whether you want to accept monetary help from someone who doesn’t seem to want to give it freely.

Post # 6
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Yeah…I don’t think that you should take his money or involve him in planning.  I think that your Fiance needs to see that it isn’t fair to either of you to plan a wedding with misinformation.  His dad needs a reality check.  You guys expected to pay for this by yourselves from the beginning and I would just do that.  Send him an email that given the issues this is how it is going forward.  It’s not rude at all.  If you don’t do this, he is going to continue to be “helpful” and potentially embarrassing.  How are you supposed to budget for anything if he won’t tell you what you have to work with?  You can’t.  He’s making it so that you guys can’t make ANY decisions without his okay…and that wouldn’t sit right with me.

Also, I really hope that you didn’t tell your parents what your Future Father-In-Law said about it being their responsibility to pay.  It would be really unnecessary to pass that along, especially as your parents are being supportive and doing their best.  I would not allow them to rearrange a monthly budget for your wedding ESPECIALLY as you guys can afford to do this yourselves…this is just my opinion.  I do know what it’s like to have stubborn parents.  🙂

Post # 7
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Yikes…after that, I’d tell him thanks, but no thanks. If he’s going to act like that, then pay for what you can yourselves. 

Post # 9
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

At this point I think you guys should not plan on getting any money from him and start planning for a different sort of wedding.  FFIL sounds like a prick.

Post # 10
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I didn’t want to leave this on the previous thread (where I grabbed this quote) since you have started a new one but you summed up this piece of shit, I mean piece of work, with:

@AnnieAAA:  We’ve tried prefacing many conversations with “as adults,” but Future Father-In-Law laughs hysterically at us and tells us we don’t know the meaning of being adults, so…I wouldn’t start any conversation that way.” UUUUUUM, holy inappropriate dickhead behavior, Batman!  Sorry to call him names but call a spade a spade.  He appears to be either a) enjoying torturing you guys through this process, b) doesn’t respect your fiance or c) doesn’t respect your choice to get married and is incredibly passive aggressive about it.

What gives?  Why is he such a *%&$ing jerk?

ps.  I think it’s safe to say that I do not think you should be taking his money at this point.  You would be basically allowing someone to kick you in the teeth over and over again. Unless I have totally misunderstood your posts.

Post # 12
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh.  So he’s just a supreme asshole.  *shrug* I can’t believe someone would actually DATE HIM.  Remember: while you can’t choose your family, you CAN choose how much time you spend with them!! 😉

Post # 14
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@BetterSherm:  Cool.  I didn’t think that you would, but sometimes I am guilty of Too Much Information with my parents so…I was worried.  lol

Seriously, this needs to come from your Fiance, but I don’t get how you can actually plan under these circumstances.  From a practical side, this is crazypants.  From an emotional standpoint, this is crazypants.  I might play hardball with both of them and say that until either there is a set budget from Future Father-In-Law OR (and this is the better option) your Fiance tells him no dice, you’re not looking at another venue or doing any more planning because you can’t…not won’t.  Not having a budget makes this impossible.

Your Future Father-In-Law sounds like a master manipulator.  I’m sorry that you and your Fiance have to deal with someone like that.  I just wouldn’t engage.  Do it yourselves with whatever your parents want to give you.  He isn’t going to magically decide to give you a buget or stop being a dick.  It clearly works for him.  

I know that you know this and I can’t imagine how upset and embarrassed your Fiance must be.  I’d show him this thread.  His dad is manipulating him for his own ends and what those are, probably only his dad knows.  Your Fiance needs to take his power back from this guy.  He clearly doesn’t want to contribute…he just wants to cause issues.  Leave him out of the planning.

Post # 15
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I wouldn’t accept ANY of his money. At all. I also would not involve him in the wedding whatsoever (planning wise, I mean).

I would also advise to keep the complaining to your parents at a minimum. I have done the same thing before, and I know it just feels right to vent but trust me when I say that it will always come back to bite you in the booty. Venting about his father will hurt your Fiance and may cause problems down the road. I am sure that your Fiance is HIGHLY embarrassed by his father’s behavior and I just don’t think it’s something that you should be airing out to your parents. I would keep the venting and complaining between Fiance and you.

Post # 16
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with other Bee’s that you guys should decline his “offer” to pay. It will just make you guys miserable and make planning this wedding a headache. His comments were extremely uncalled for!

The topic ‘Hurtful FFIL Update’ is closed to new replies.

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