Post # 1
I’ve posted before about how Future Father-In-Law isn’t keen on me. I think he sees me as a golddigger – if I am, I’m a pretty crap one. My exH was worth 3/4 of a million pounds, I haven’t taken a penny from him. FI works in Care (of which I’m so proud of) and is happy but not particularly well paid. I now have as little as possible to do with Future In-Laws.
Fiance is living with them for the next three months before moving to our new flat. He needs to work out his notice, etc. He is their only child, they are extremely well off, Fiance works long hours and isn’t around much.
Future Father-In-Law was driving Fiance the other day, and conversation turned to our new flat. I’ve had serious health problems, and have recently had bacterial pnuemonia which saw me hospitalized for a short time. As a result I’ve not worked for a few months. FFIL started saying things like ‘Mittens needs to do this, Mittens needs to get a job’…Fiance replied ‘She knows what she needs to do’…
Then came the strange question from Future Father-In-Law…’Do you love Mittens?’
WTF? We’ve been together 2 and a half years, engaged for a year and a half! Does Future Father-In-Law honestly think Fiance would get engaged to a woman he doesn’t love???
Fiance replied ‘Of course I do!’ FFIL didn’t say much after that…
I’m pretty hurt he asked, to be honest. Am I right to be hurt? How would fellow bees react if the same happened to them?
Post # 3
I’d be upset, but granted, keep in mind as a father, your Future Father-In-Law is just trying to look out for his son. It’s great that you Fiance is supportive of you and vocal to his father about this. Give it time, with your Fiance “having your back” and his parents seeing how great you two are together, they will come around.
Post # 4
Thanks Olive. Something I should have mentioned in my original post is that Fiance is 41 and I’m 43. I feel our ages make this sort of question even more insulting.
Fiance is not some inexperienced 16 year old that needs protecting from an evil ‘golddigger’
I’m getting less hurt and more angry about Future Father-In-Law as time goes by.
Post # 5
Bah! Ignore the old man or he’ll really get under your skin and turn it around on you. I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t control how anyone treats you, but you can control how you react. I personally think he’s tactless and insulting. What I hate most is his assumptions without even knowing the facts – there’s always people like that in this world, and unfortunately, sometimes you have to deal with it.
Post # 6
I was going to agree with Olive, until I saw your ages. You clearly are an adult and can make your own decisions. I tihnk what your Future Father-In-Law said is out of line, and you do have a reason to be upset. Is there any way you can confront him and see what the issues are stemming from? Or is it best to ignore it, hope for the best, and just continue on the path of seeing them as infrequently as possible? Whatever you decide, I hope it’s the right choice and things work out for the best for you.
Post # 7
Thanks ladies for your replies.
@Vitsippa: That’s the whole crux of the matter – Future Father-In-Law doesn’t know me at all. And that is by his choice, he has made little effort to get to know me. I’m pretty disappointed by it, to be honest. I don’t have any famiy of my own in this country, and always got on well with my exILs. Unfortunately my ex Mother-In-Law died last February…Future Father-In-Law had the nerve at that time to comment to Fiance that I shouldn’t have gone to her funeral. I knew the famiy of over 16 years, and exMIL was very good to me, she even paid for me to travel to Australia when my mother had a heart attack. She also left me her engagement ring in her will. FI has no problem with me still being in contact with my exH – in fact, he and exH get on very well and consider each other friends. FFIL isn’t even that old, he’s only 62!
@abbie017: I went to Future In-Laws just before Christmas, for the weekend. FFIL couldn’t even eat a meal with me in the same room…he spent the whole weekend in their bedroom. I don’t think he said more than 4 words to me. The atmosphere in the house was terrible the whole weekend…the Future In-Laws kept having loud vocal arguments with each other (about how Future Father-In-Law was behaving). I’ve told Fiance that under no circumstances will I be staying with his parents again. I don’t go where I am not welcome.
Post # 8
@TheMsMittens: At first I thought it was strange, but assumed that perhaps you got engaged when he was 18/19/20 and the Future Father-In-Law was “protecting” his son. With both of you being in your early 40’s, I think you have EVERY RIGHT to feel insulted. You both are clearly not immature, unaware of what you are doing, and I would hope that your Fiance would be old enough to know whether engagement and marriage is the step he wants to take!
I guess the good news is it sounds like your Future Father-In-Law isn’t so upset about you, as he is worried his son is naieve. He thinks his son is going to get caught up by someone after his money, that his son is going to support you and you won’t work, and that his son proposed to a woman he might not love. I see this as almost more insulting to your Fiance than yourself.
In the end, be angry, throw some pillows, scream a bit and then smile, knowing that you clearly know their son better than they do. You know he loves you, that he is supporting you through sickness, that he defends you to his parents and that he is a strong man who knows what he wants and won’t let others influance him.
Post # 9
I understand why you are upset, however, I don’t think when you’re parent it matters how old your children are. You still feel like they are your child and need your protecting. Asking questions, albeit inappropriate at times, is a parents job. Wanting to make sure your children are happy, healthy, and making the best decisions is your job, and most parents will do it regardless of how old their child is.
Post # 10
@TheMsMittens: It seems we have a few things in common. Edited for privacy.
Post # 11
I’d also like to point out that Fiance is not supporting me financially at all. And Future In-Laws know this.
@takemyhand: I agree, I think it is more insulting to Fiance than to me. Daily he works in a job which making vital decisions would could affect whether someone lives or dies, but he is incapable of making a decision in his own life? Highly insulting.
@mwitter80: A man of 41 is no longer a child and the choices he makes is no longer any of his parents business.
Fiance is bisexual and decided not to come out to his family as they are extremely homophobic. No surprise, Future Father-In-Law is particularly so. He would have been disowned if he had. His father no longer speaks to one of his female cousins because she is openly gay.
So I wouldn’t trust FFIL’s judgement in anything.
Post # 12
If your Future Father-In-Law is so worried about losing his precious money to a gold digger, then he should just make sure his son isn’t receiving any money from him (not that your Fiance isn’t already self-supporting anyway).
Is it possible for the two of you to just spend time with your FI’s mother? It doesn’t sound like she’s acting in a way to drive her son away. And even though it’s technically against etiquette, I TOTALLY wouldn’t invite his father to the wedding.
Post # 13
@strawbabies: Thanks for your reply. I find Future Mother-In-Law a bit two faced…she does nothing but complain about Future Father-In-Law, but then lets him get away with the way he acts. She’s an enabler. Frankly, I think they both enjoy being such a pair of miseries. FI says they should have got divorced years ago…
In an ideal world I wouldn’t have either of them at our wedding. But they are still important to Fiance so that isn’t going to happen. Fiance doesn’t get a penny from them…in fact, they expect us to have a ‘big famiy wedding’…and for us to pay for it all. I’ve made it clear to Fiance that it isn’t what I want, and it’s not going to happen. Luckily recent events seem to make him more open to a small ceremony.
Post # 14
@TheMsMittens: I’m sorry to hear this! Your FFIL’s reaction would make way more sense if you were not both clearly adults. In this case, I agree with the other PP, just ignore it unless it somehow is spiraling out of control. There are just really mean people who will be just miserable no matter how hard you try. Good luck!