(Closed) hurtful treatment during political arguments

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

For more politics are really tied together with morals and values. I don’t think I could ever be with someone that wasn’t on the same page as me. 

Post # 3
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee

You should be able to have calm, rational adult conversation with the man you’re going to spend to your life with.

How you think you can avoid any and all political conversations is beyond me.

Time to face reality that you guys might not be compatible. Especially if he doesn’t stuck up for you against asshole friends.

 

Post # 4
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think contempt and disrespect are enemies of any relationship, and that would also bother me. My bf and I might not see eye to eye on everything, but we don’t treat each other like we’re stupid. I’ve been with men who have treated me with contempt for my views, and it was terrible.

Its hard to say what I think of your FI’s behavior in December because I have no idea what exactly you said. It’s possible something you said may have been offensive to him. Let’s not pretend derision comes from only one side of the political spectrum. He may have been taken aback by the way you presented some of your views. Did you talk to him at the time about his reaction? And what was his response?

As to the more recent incident, I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to be calling you, or implying that you are, a bitch, especially in front of your son. That’s huge. But I do find it interesting, given the previous incident you mentioned, that you chose to needle him in the way you did. What else did you intend other than to tick him off a little? I can’t see that you would have reasonably expected him to take it as a joke, given the previous incident plus the fact you say you avoid politics in general. Respect goes both ways here.

You guys need to have a frank talk about respect in the face of fundamental disagreements such as this. I had to have a similar talk with my bf about religion (he was raised Catholic, and while he believes in a god, he almost talks like an agnostic and can be very hostile to organized religion, and I point blank asked him if he respects me for my particular faith. It worked out in the end but I would never have felt settled about it if we hadn’t addressed it directly).

And let’s please not pretend the world is divided into “liberals” (whatever that specifically means to you) and Trump supporters and nothing in between. 

Post # 6
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

It took me A LOT of years and a number of relationships to realize this…rarely are two people with differing political views compatible for the long haul…sure it *does* happen, but rarely…how you view politics is tied in to how you view the world on a number of issues. It is FAR more important than people want to admit.

Also – you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone when you have to guard your words and subjects

Post # 7
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
coltblue:  You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around your Fiance or watch what you say when it comes to YOUR beliefs. 

Also, he never apologizes? For anything? That’s a big issue.

Post # 8
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I dont think different politics is a big deal, my mom is liberal and dad a republican and theyve been happily married for nearly 40 years (though he’d never support trump. Socially he is liberal). James Carville is married to a republican strategist. The namecalling and contempt however will destroy a relationship so I’d talk to him seriously about that. You need to respect each other. And his idiot Trump friend needs to keep to polite topics when in your home, and your Fiance should back you up on that. I refuse to engage with Trump people because my true opinion is they’re all racist idiots… So nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. 

Post # 9
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I flat-out said it’s not appropriate for him to call you a bitch. I do think you need to examine your behavior and consider whether you are also displaying contempt towards him. It’s a two-way street, and if you choose to disregard that part of it, then whatever conversation you have with him is going to be pretty pointless.

It’s ok to not like one of your FI’s friends. If they’re very close, and it sounds like they are, then I guess you’re going to have to have some social interaction, but perhaps when the guy comes over without his wife, then go do your own thing while he and Fiance hang out. On it’s own I don’t think it’s crazy for your Fiance to ask for particular things when entertaining that friend. Like if you’re going grocery shopping and your Fiance says, “Hey can you grab some Cheez Its because Joe is coming over,” is that what bothers you? 

Do you like debating politically? Is the friend an asshole who doesn’t let it go? These are questions that should guide your conversation with your Fiance, because you need to have one. Either you need to say, “How about them Angels?” when the friend tries to get political, or Fiance needs to tell his friend to cool it. If Fiance claims to be apolitical, why hasn’t he already told the friend to shut the eff up? I’m so confused about so many things. You need to talk to your Fiance.

Post # 11
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
coltblue:  there’s no reason you should be making all the accommodations for his friend you don’t even like. He can take care of all of that moving forward. And you can just nod and smile through the evening. 

Post # 12
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

So far the only special accommodations I’ve picked up on here are that your Fiance asks you to prepare certain foods for these people. I mean, if you’re hosting company I feel you should prepare food your guests like. Unless he’s asking you to do something really expensive or labor intensive or something. But if it’s causing you to grind your teeth in agitation, maybe tell your Fiance that he’s in charge of the menu when he wants to have friends over. And By The Way, if the guy acts like a dick when he’s a guest in your home, that needs to be addressed with your Fiance, too. I wouldn’t expect my SO to be inviting people into our home knowing that they’re disrespectful to me. If that’s what’s going on here.

Post # 13
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
coltblue:  allow yourself to feel how you feel but the first and most important thing you should do after you process your emotions is communicate to your fiance. Let him know that you do not like being called a hmhhmmhmm even if he is not technically saying it. You need to tell him exactly how you feel in a calm kind manner. He will need to understand that this hurts your feelings and his love for you will prevent him from doing it in the future.

Post # 14
Member
7559 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

It’s not appropriate for him to call you a bitch, but it’s also not appropriate for you and your teenage son to both make jokes at your SO’s expense. Plenty of blame to go around. I think everyone involved owes each other a sincere apology and I think you need to be cautious that you and your son don’t give the impression that you’re ganging up on him. It’s hard when you feel like  you’re the odd man out. Oh and tell the friend that you’ll no longer talk politics with him, and stick to that. Then tell your fi that if his friend wants special appetizers or whatever accommodatio, your fi can take care of it because you’re not accepting special orders. And stick to that too.

Post # 15
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee

So your son calls him a name “trump supporter” which he knows in both you and your son’s eyes is a slam.  He gets upset.  

He infers (without saying directly) that you’re a bitch.  You get upset.

Not great way to fight, but if I were keeping score, it seems more or less “even” to me.  You’ve both called a name that is hurtful to the other.  I’d say if I were your Fiance I might not be thrilled that you allowed your son to be disrespectful enough to throw that barb especially when it’s no secret that you have a very low opinion of Trump supporters.

Maybe you can agree to have a “no politics” marriage.  Maybe not.  If so, it will require tolerance on both of your parts and respect that reasonable people can agree to disagree.  If either of you really cannot respect those differences, then it may be a rocky road. 

The topic ‘hurtful treatment during political arguments’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors