Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard
Part of it is that it is quite irritating to be “grouped” into one party or another, for someone who considers themselves to be “apolitical.” Like he probably identifies with certain aspects of either party, but doesn’t necessarily support Trump, wants to be able to maintain his friendship with this guy regardless of his “Trumpness” and is frustrated that you’re stirring this up for him. Honestly it’s best to ignore the trump supporters, or just flat decide not to discuss politics with friends.
However, you should be able to discuss politics with your man without resorting to name calling and jokes. At least if you want to know how he really feels. Plus he didn’t actually call you a bitch so I wouldn’t be expecting an apology from him.
Some amount of … I wouldn’t say contempt, but anger/frustration/irritation is bound to come up throughout a marriage. It’s how you deal with it and communicate about it that determines whether or not it’s a good idea to marry. All this means is if you do something to piss him off, he’ll let you know. IMO, this is better than him bottling it up and blowing up at a later date. If it’s really still bothering you, talk to him about it and tell him you hope you two will be able to work through disagreements better in the future.
Post # 17
- Wedding: August 2017 - Sea Cider
I am SO glad someone else thought of Carville, too!
OP, I’m most concerned about his complete lack of respect for you, the willingness to belittle you in public, and the refusal to stand up for you when the friend was being a jerk. None of these behaviors are promising for the long term. :/
Post # 18
Thanks everyone for weighing in! It really helped me clarify my thoughts because I was a bit confused.
Just a couple of clarifications, although it doesn’t really matter, I did get the help I wanted and again, thank you all!
My son didn’t call him a Trump supporter, he just said he has a Trump supporter friend. The two of them joke with each other, Fiance makes fun of my son and that’s bound that my son would sometimes think that’s the dynamic between them and could say some “funny” thing too. I was the one who said “and he agrees with him”, so I called him a Trump supporter. Which now I understand how it was an insult, given I’m outspoken about my disdain for “trump supporters”
I don’t think Fiance bellitled me in public. He doesn’t really do that. This is why I was very surprised at the “hmmmmm” thing, which wasn’t really in public though. He did treat me cold last December on vacation. But indeed he needs to stand up for me, while I should also make it easier for him to do so, by not arguing as much.
Anyway, thanks again! I think I’ll work on myself first and observe what he does. Our wedding date is set to July 22 2017, so there is still enough engagement time to figure out long term compatibility. This is my second marriage and I don’t want to get it wrong again.
Post # 19
omg do we have the same “friend”? LOL. Actually in this case its my our dear friends girlfriend, who can not SHUT UP and finds a way to pick fights about every little thing. You could be talking about the weather and she will drag politics into it. We actually do not hang out with them nearly as much because she turns every conversation into a political debate and its quite clear she thinks less of anyone who doesn’t agree with her.
Anyway, I think you should tell your husband that you would like an apology, and then also apologize for your actions. He probably felt a little ganged up on with your son makng a dig and you going along with it.
Also, I completely disagree that you cannot be friends with people who hold different political views. Adults can respectfully have intelligent conversations with differing opinions. I have friends from all over the spectrum of politics and we can discuss and throw ideas out but not see eye to eye. Its problematic when people get combative, like your friend and my friends Girlfriend and turn things into a personal attack.
Just either learn to converse without getting personal or avoid the topics/person. We avoid the Girlfriend because she is just nasty to talk too and its rather annoying LOL.
Post # 20
Exactly, this friend cannot talk about anything else and is loud and all, makes jabs at people etc. Even when I didn’t say anything this last time, he still found a way to attack me by saying that professors get paid too much and that’s why college is too expensive. Whatever. I didn’t respond. It’s just annoying but I’ll have to deal with him..oh well. Good for you that you can avoid that Girlfriend…
I apologized to my Fiance. He hasn’t apologized. I will let it go for now.
Post # 21
My best and dearest friend is a radically polar opposite from me in terms of politics and religion. We stay away from those topics and when it get to a point where either of us have to vent, we have agreed to smile and nod and not take offense.
Post # 22
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
My grandparents have been married 70 years and have 1 rule in their relationship (besides the obvious no infedility, no lies, etc) and that’s to NEVER discuss who they voted for.
Like I get that it’s worked very well for them for 70 years, but if my DH was a Trump supporter that would mean that the very core of his being is so against all of the principles that I stand for myself that it would render us completely incompatible. So again,
Post # 23
I could not have married someone who wasn’t of the same political beliefs as me. I’m way too passionate to be able to have discussions on that when married. For most it tends to be an extremely hot topic. Kudos to those who can make it work and still like each other.
Post # 24
yeah people like that just like to argue and hear the sound of their own voice LOL
Pick your battles with this one, lol. I think your doing the right thing by letting it go.
Post # 25
My Fiance is a big time Trump supporter. I am still undecided, while I will never vote for left wing I am not 100% set on Trump either and my parents hate Trump.
We have different political views but we are able to have respectful conversation about pros and cons without being mean and call each other names. I think it is all about maturity and such. I am sorry your bf can’t handle it. Hugs.
Post # 26
The main problem I see is that your fiance is allowing this friend of his to give you a hard time and not standing up for you. My husband and I differ somewhat in our political and religious beliefs (he’s on the more conservative end), but I would never allow any of my liberal friends to mock or berate him. The next time this guy is over and starts on you, if your fiance won’t tell him to STFU, you should.
Post # 27
People with different religious and political beliefs can work but I’m not okay with your fiancé not standing up for you. I had my fiance not stand up for me once and I let him know that we are a united front. If I am wrong he needs to tell me when we are alone but do not embarrass me in front of his friends. He has never done that again. He almost lost a then girlfriend by allowing his friends to disrespect me.
So tell your fiancé, he can say whatever he needs to behind closed doors and he may not agree with you but he needs to tell his friend to not bring up politics or at least he needs to stand up for you. Your fiance should simply say to his friend, ‘my fiancée’s political views differ from yours and if this is going to lead to hurt feelings, let’s not debate.’ Or something. Just sitting there while you’re upset is very concerning.
Post # 28
NO MATTER WHAT YOUR Fiance SOULD NEVER CALL YOU OUT OF YOUR NAME. This is a red flag for me. Even if he implied it and did not say it, the spirit behind the comment seems mean and comes from a place of contempt and thinking lesser of women in general. When the B-word is used to describe a woman, it is usually when she is exhibiting having a mind of her own and using it. I have a serious problem and visceral reaction when it is used in the situation you described, more so…infront of a male child.
Your Fiance does not have to take you side on disagreements, you should be able to agree to disagree. But he should not allow you to feel disrespected either. Being the only one with a different political view is a difficult place to be in but not impossible. The main issue that you will be facing for the rest of your life is your FI’s view and treatment of you.
For example, he doesnt even admit to not treating nice. In his mind he is justified in his treatment of you, eventhough you have told him otherwise. The problem is you and not him and he will never apologize for his actions. You will always be too sensitive, or too emotional, or hysterical etc. Once you told him how his comment made you feel he should have apologized.
If he can not respect you enough not to call you out of your name in an argument, he will not respect you in other ways which will come up down the road. If he can not acknowledge how his behavior effects you and attempt to change he will never do it. Do yourself a favor and start paying attention to how he treats the women he come in contact with. I bet calling you a B is just the tip of the iceberg. RUN!!!
Post # 29
OP, have you in fact told your bf that his friend bothers you? If he has observed you responding by debating with his friend at some points, as in December, it may appear to him you don’t mind. Some people get their rocks off on debating.
But also I wanted to say on the point of avoiding politics in a relationship – this works for a lot of people, and if it’s a mutual agreement because you both just find the argument annoying and not worth your while. But if you’re avoiding talking about it because you know your bf will only respond disrespectfully, then that’s not good.
Post # 30
I don’t think it’s necessary to agree politically, but you have to be respectful of each other’s beliefs. Fiance is a libertarian, but has been supporting Bernie, while I was raised Republican and am a left-leaning centrist. We both grew up with different money situations, so we very much disagree about redistribution of wealth and other issues, but we love talking about it and don’t get into arguments over it. I don’t think your SO should’ve called you a bitch, but I do not think it’s practical to go your entire lives without talking about politics. Every time my family members say “let’s not talk about politics!” we talk about them more (and we all disagree lol).