(Closed) hurtful treatment during political arguments

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
5081 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

Tell your SO that you don’t want to get into political discussions with the Trump supporter friend. Maybe if he knows this he could work on changing the subject if the friend brings it up. If he doesn’t know this, then maybe he thinks that you enjoy the debate. I know my DH likes to debate politics, and does frequently, so I’d never think to jump in and “defend” him, even if he was debating with one of my friends. 

My husband and I agree on many issues, particularly the ones that I deem to be more important, but we do disagree on some things. I don’t like debating, so we don’t usually talk about those issues. Note that these are issues that don’t necessarily speak to someone’s moral character. I couldn’t be with someone who was anti-choice with regard to abortion, but I can deal with someone who has some different ideas on fiscal policy, for example. 

I don’t think it’s ok to call you a bitch, but you did insult him first (it’s implied that being a Trump supporter is an insult in this case), even if you didn’t use a swear word. Unless he regularly calls you names, I don’t really see that as a red flag. I do think it’s problematic that he never apologises for anything, as you’ve implied. Taking ownership for your actions is important, he needs to understand that he’s not always right and that he needs to apologise when he’s hurt your feelings, even if he is right in that situation. 

Post # 32
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If a friend of my husband’s criticized my job you better believe my husband would defend me. I’m a social worker so pretty much nobody ever is going to complain I’m overpaid…nevertheless, DH would not let that stand. To be fair neither would I, I’m certainly no damsel in distress, but if it was a friend of his I would probably let him take care of it. Your Fiance is kind of letting you down there, I think you have every right to be pissed.

Post # 34
3092 posts
Sugar bee

Mixed messages.  You are telling us bad things about your Fiance and then when people are dismayed about it you say the good things.  

If you are asking whether your Fiance referring to you as a b***ch (or equivalent) is indicative of more to come then sadly, unless he apologizes and promises he’ll never do it again, I think that it is.

I’ve never been called that word (or any equivalent word) in almost 29 years of marriage nor have I even been called that by any previous boyfriend.  You don’t have to stand for being called names.  Let him know that it’s a dealbreaker.

He also insulted you in front of your son.  He needs to apologize to both of you.

His cold behaviour in front of other people – looking at you with contempt – speaks volumes.  You have been warned.

Politics is a hot potato and one has to deal with different political views with sensitivity and firmness.  Ideally we should listen to each other and respect each other’s views but sometimes if someone is needling on purpose you have to resort to witty putdowns.

So if your FI’s friend mentions how well college professors are paid tell him that there is nothing stopping him becoming a college professor if that is what he really aspires to.  Let him know you would be happy to advise him on how to become one. If his real problem is that women college professors get paid well then you can advise him that he just needs a little operation and a testosterone inhibitor and in an instant the gender problem can be sorted out too.  Say all this lightly and say it with a smile.

Let him know that you are libertarian rather than liberal.  He’ll probably be too frightened of looking stupid to ask you about the difference.

If he brings up Trump just let him know that it is difficult for you, as a college professor, to vote for a man who isn’t sure of the meaning of the words “academic” “rhetorical” and “theoretical”.   (See Trump’s comments on being called out over his suggestion that women should be punished for abortions) and then offer him a “special accommodation” (snack).

Of course if this man is your FI’s guest then your Fiance can sort out the “special accommodations” instead of you.

Why are you doing all the cooking by the way?  You can be a college professor and feminine without resorting to flowery aprons and cupcakes.  (I’m just joking here but I still don’t understand why you are doing all the cooking.)

And you don’t have to go out shopping with the friend’s wife.  Organise something exciting – jetskiing, helicoptor ride, abseiling – to show that women are intrinsically exciting and don’t have to play second fiddle to men.

Post # 35
295 posts
Helper bee

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coltblue:  Even loving couples have “hotbed” areas. I do not hang wallpaper or play Hearts with my husband. Politics may be yours. Avoid this topic.

Post # 36
5938 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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coltblue:  I feel if my SO called me a bitch I wouldn’t be so willing to stay. I don’t know. In our house, we have never called each names. Ever. Also, he should allow you your opinion and vice versa. Like PPs said, you are mature adults and should be able to share opinions and respect each other for them. Even politics. I was married to a republican for many years and I’m a democrat. It was never once an issue. I have to say, Donald Trump is in a league of his own and you probably either love him or hate him. That would be a tough one. I definitely think you should have a talk when you’re not in the heat of the moment.

Post # 37
4233 posts
Honey bee

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I agree to hotbed areas. We’ve been married 16yrs and some of our taboos are underdog football victories and the (USA) Civil War. We typically avoid these topics although the first one is quite difficult. And it’s quite entertaining to root for the opposing team and watch my hubs stew. Mwahaha.



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I think you’re on the right track to open communication lines (or close them for certain subjects or settings) with your family. Hang in there, Bee. Do keep in mind, though, that this presidential election cycle sure is a doozy; since it’s not normal, normal rules won’t work as before. Just my $0.02.


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