Post # 1
It’s going to be a long one so brace yourselves but if you decide to stay… some advice or kind words would be appreciated.
So maybe it’s my inner bridezilla or the wedding is making me crazier then I was before…but I’ve been really hurt lately about my bridesmaids. I have asked four girls to stand by me at the wedding. One is my sister- who I love but who I wouldn’t say I’m overly close with she is 17yrs old and extremely busy and needs to focus on school (she’s Applying to colleges in a few months and maintains a high GPA plus tons of extracurriculars because she would like to go to UCLA or something similar) two friends and my FH’s brother’s girlfriend (who will probably be a SIL at some point)
After talking to my mom I decided my sister should not be my Maid/Matron of Honor (given her crazy life), so I asked my 1st friend but after her moving away and her life changing (BF of many years broke up with her causing said move and an overall bad taste in regards to any relationship) she told she wanted to be a bridesmaid but asked me to think about if I really wanted her to be the Maid/Matron of Honor given she lives so far and is so busy- which (I know her and how she is) was her nice way of saying NO
So I asked my second friend (who is a newer friend but I’m still close with, and she is already Maid/Matron of Honor in another girls wedding however she goes on and on about how she doesn’t even see that wedding happening and she said yes to her before we were as close as we are now.) and she said she’d think about it, a week passed she didn’t mention anything about it. So tonight I brought it to her attention that I was hurting about the thinking about it answer…. after a good conversation we are on good terms….but she’s not my maid of honor.
So….All in all after some serious heartbreaking thought (feeling down that I have no friends close enough to me who would jump at this chance to do this for me) I’ve decided to forgo having a maid of honor all together. But I got to tell you ladies I’m heartbroken about it.
I guess I’m just feeling down because I wanted someone (a friend or what have you) who was as excited for me and I am I guess. A few other girls at work are also getting married (our office has caught wedding fever I guess) and they all have great MOH’s that are just as excited as they are if not more. I’m sad because I wanted that, but I don’t have it. I’ve been an emotional wreck the last few days and my poor FH is doing the absolute best he can…but he’s not a girl so it’s hard for him to understand- plus his best man is so excited and already planning things for him. They even talk wedding…
So I’m reaching out to your girls in hopes that maybe someone else is feeling this, or has felt this….just help me feel like I’m not crazy… or maybe I need someone to nicely say you are crazy and you shouldn’t care as much as you do….nicely though…please nicely…I can’t handle mean right now 🙁
Post # 3
No, you’re definitely not crazy for feeling sad and disappointed. It’s hard when you know that you’d do anything for a friend but then you find out (possibly for the second, tenth, thousandth time) that the same isn’t true in reverse. Even if they’re not cruel about it, even if the reasons are good, it is a very lonely feeling.
I don’t have any bridesmaids or a maid of honor. For one, I don’t think I’d go that route, anyway. But for another, the decision was taken out of my hands by the fact that I just don’t have close friends anymore, nobody that I would want to be part of all of it. I know that that’s my fault, as I’ve become very distant from everyone in the past year and some months, but even before that it was always a matter of my friends taking everything I had to offer as a friend but weren’t there in return.
I’m not trying to one-up your situation. I promise that. I’m just saying that I know how much it hurts, whether related to a wedding or just everyday ilfe. Even if you know they’re not doing it on purpose to hurt you, it’s still a blow.
I’ll be your maid of honor! I love being there for others, and I am very, very good at texting and calling and emailing and being all manner of excited for someone else. I know that it’s not the same, of course, but I can be a very good surrogate. 🙂
Sigh. I know that didn’t help. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this.
Post # 4
@ellisrobertson: Thank you so much! you’ve seriously made me feel a little better. I was feeling so lonely…I’ve been a total mess one minute I’m so angry with my life for being this way (I too am sure I’ve done some of the closing off, I’m young but I have a very strong work ethic and poured my heart and soul into my job. I work odd hours and all weekend and holidays so sometimes even family is distant. I’m hating myself for it now and I’m not espically happy at work either) and the next minute I’m crying my eyes out (like I currently am). And you’re right they aren’t doing it to be vicious or mean and maybe I’m too forgiving but I see their reasoning. I just know when they all get married how happy I will be for them… and how willing to do anything I will be. It’s sad the a stranger can make me feel better then these “close friends”
Post # 5
@dancehalcrasher2: I’m glad I could help a little bit! Sometimes it helps to have our feelings validated by strangers because you know they’re not “obligated” to agree or sympathize or empathize, not like family or friends. Complaining to family and friends, just to vent, can often feel needy and ungrateful and that you have to apologize for feeling the way you do, because you’re not trying to make them feel bad too, you just want it off of your chest and maybe just a little bit of understanding. Strangers are good for that. It’s definitely why I make very good friends online but not often in person. The friendships may burn quickly, but that’s okay, because I found someone to connect with when I needed it, and could be there in return. And it’s nice to think that maybe it saved the other person a fight or a misunderstanding or whatever with their real life people. Because sometimes we just need to sound crazy or whiny or negative or angry or hurt.
I had a broken moment tonight. Fiancé was hanging out with his friend, which I had no problem with. I don’t particularly like this guy, but by no means do I think they shouldn’t be friends, shouldn’t hang out. But when he got home, I was suddenly overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy and frustration and annoyance. I know it’s all stemming from jealousy that I didn’t realize I had for the fact that he has a couple of friends he hangs out with, who get him out of the house, with whom he has fun. I am currently a stay-at-home…whatever. Not a wife. Not a mom. I planned to take classes to get me up at a decent hour and give me something to do, but wasn’t able to finance it. I went in with my mom for season hockey tickets, but now the lockout is ruining that. I have so much time on my hands that I keep procrastinating on things like vacuuming or pulling weeds or whatever because, really, what’s one more day? And I just fell into this pit of jealousy and annoyance with myself and frustration that I couldn’t express any of this without sounding crazy or like I was criticizing him or saying he couldn’t spend time with them. But I felt like, if he fills his life with people who take him for granted, who are lazy, flaky, bossy, rude people (his two close friends, his two ex wives), what does that say about me?
It was an insane spiral. I don’t know where it came from or why it hit tonight, but I just checked out emotionally. And then afterward, I started sobbing uncontrollably. I hate to pull the “girl card” and claim PMS, but I DO know that that’s part of it. All of these feelings make me feel so stupid. It’s ridiculous! And then I realize that I have nobody to talk to about it except for the fiancé (not that I don’t want to talk to him, but we already had and I needed to get it out of my system — I’m sorry that I unloaded on you, on your thread!), and that made me feel worse. It’s all just so stupid!
Post # 6
Post # 7
@dancehalcrasher2: It’s completely understandable that you want to have at least someone else be as excited as you are. Unfortunately that is often not the case. Hang in there.
Post # 8
@drummerbride: Thanks, and I agree I’m finding out that it’s def. not the case. I’m feeling a little stronger about my decision after I thought about this… A friend recently asked me (because we were on the subject of who to pick as an MOH) “Who will go with you to your cake tasting, who do you want there?” with out any hesitation I said “FH”
I thought about it lastnight and I do have someone as excited as me… I’m marrying him. 🙂
Post # 9
I asked my best friend since 8th grade or so to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, (we’ve had our ups and downs and better friends, but she’s my longest friend and the one who knows me the best), and she accepted and didn’t do ANYTHING. She’s seriously visited me once in the past month for a couple hours and the last time I saw her before that was for her birthday. I went dress shopping with my husband’s friend’s girlfriend. No one is throwing me a bachelorette party or anything. But I’m okay with that. I think focusing on your fiancé is a great way to make the traditional roles being filled less important. I’m really not into a lot of the wedding stuff, so it hasn’t been a huge deal for me. if it counts, I’m excited for your wedding! 🙂 Congrats!