(Closed) Husband and "Work Wife"

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 256
9126 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Exactly what ^^^ said. He is emotionally cheating on you. He may have crossed the line into inappropriate conversations as well (marital issues, his crazy jealous wife, etc). We know she already did. If he hasn’t yet, he will at some point unless some radical changes happen. When those lines are crossed, he’d be crazy not to delete those messages and only keep the safe ones. You can’t trust his message history just because you’re not seeing anything overtly inappropriate. 

He is having an emotional affair. He told you he can’t spend all his work time with this woman, so he needs to be in contact every day outside of work too. Him cutting back isn’t going to do much. It will just make him act shady and hide it from you.

I still think you need an ultimatum. Poor guy can’t choose between his wife and his girlfriend? Make him choose, for fuck’s sake!

Post # 260
10371 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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wifeconflicted :  Just a heads up there are “fake” apps that look like one thing, stocks or something like that for example, but are actually chat and picture sharing services.

So you might see an app that looks totally benign but if you open it and go to the correct page, its a secret app for chatting.

Post # 261
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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wifeconflicted :  My Fiance’s phone is synced to our iPad and if he downloads an app on one or the other it shows up on both. Not sure about if it’s deleted on one, I haven’t paid too much attention.

Post # 263
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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wifeconflicted :  This may be frowned upon by some of the other girls, but if you have online access through your cell carrier, you can look up phone calls and text messages. It will not show anything other than the phone number and times, but then you could at least see if he is texting her constantly or having lengthy phone conversations outside of work. 

Post # 264
2888 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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wifeconflicted :  If you share a cell phone plan you can get a list of the numbers that have been texted.  The data won’t show the text itself but it will show exactly when and how often a specific number has been texted.

For the life of me I just don’t get why you are so afraid to stick up for yourself?  I keep checking your thread because I keep hoping that you will write that you are hearing all the Bees and have given your husband an ultimatum.  What kind of power does this guy hold over you?  His wishy washy responses wouldn’t fly with me.

I continue to stand by everything I have written in my previous posts.  You are doing at a minimum a huge disservice to your self and more likely damaging your and your daugter’s emotional well being.  Your husband is all of a sudden apologizing because he’s throwing you a bone.  He has absolutely no intention of cutting down his contact with Jen, at least that is my gut feeling after reading your updates.

I really wish you a lot of luck.

Post # 266
2888 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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wifeconflicted :  I don’t think this is a good idea.  You either do couples counseling (which I highly recommend) or you go yourself in order to build up a backbone.  What is he going to say if he goes to your appointment?  Do you really think he’s going to admit that he’s the source of all this?  No fucking way.

Post # 267
608 posts
Busy bee

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wifeconflicted :  A long time ago, someone recommended to me that I read the book called “Why Men Love Bitches”.  It has a crass title, but the point of the book is to open to the reader’s eyes to recognize that they are being treated like a doormat and to learn how to stand up for themselves.  I didn’t love the writer’s style (I found it a bit immature in some ways), but the message behind it was a good one. 

I did a quick amazon search and found this one: https://www.amazon.ca/CK-Him-behavior-commitment-interest-ebook/dp/B01M0B4XUT/ref=pd_sim_351_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=E4CS8DB35DHGSJGYKF33

It looks similar in style, but the author seems to take a slightly different approach to helping women find their voice in a relationship. It is written for the dating woman, but applies to married women as well. The premise is that men lose interest in the “nice girl” and are attracted to strong women.  The kindle version is dirt cheap. 

Maybe you could start by seeking some self-help resources while undergoing individual counselling while you try to figure out this situation with your husband. 

From your updates, it sounds like he’s still not getting it.  He throws you a bone or two to appease you but just won’t recognize how damaging his relationship with Jen is for your marriage.  

I think focusing on yourself and your own needs for a while may be the reality check that your husband needs.  He’s just not getting with the “soft” approach you’ve taken so far. 

If you want to salvage your marriage,  I believe the only thing that will work is learning how to stand up for yourself and find your voice. 

Good luck to you, bee. You seem like a good person who just wants to be in a happy and fulfilling marriage.  You deserve it! 

Post # 269
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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wifeconflicted :  I think you still don’t understand the fact that either:

1) He KNOWs perfectly well that his relationship with Jen is inappropriate but he doesn’t care because his puts his and her feelings above yours (more likely scenario), so you can tell him in a million and one ways and he will still continue to ”not get it”

2) He really is that thick, socially unaware and clueless that he doesn’t know. If that’s the case, do you really want to be married to someone who has absolutely zero emotional intelligence and needs to be mothered by you in order to get him to act like a decent human being?

Post # 270
5397 posts
Bee Keeper

Tenured professor or not, he should have thought about how hard it is to switch jobs before starting this inappropriate behaviour. And this is utterly inappropriate. I have close male friends and I’m not messaging them this much. I’m not sharing inside jokes. I’m not taking so many messages that it makes my husband uncomfortable. 

What the OPs husband is doing is wrong and inappropriate. He needs to cut it out immediately. I don’t even talk to me female best friends as much as this. He doesn’t need this much attention from “just a friend”. If she’s having marriage issues tell her to talk to her own friends and family. What the hell. 

Hell no to all of this.

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