Post # 436
Wait a minute – HE gave Jen YOUR new therapist’s information? What the hell? Sounds like you need a different therapist, and don’t tell him who you’re going to see.
I tend to want to believe the best in people and I tend to believe people are generally truthful. So when I read your conversation with your husband, it sounded sincere and I wanted to believe that he was finally turning a corner. For your sake. UNTIL I got to the part where he dismissed all of your concerns and told you that these are unfounded conclusions. NO. Please tell me that you see what he’s doing here?
1) He messages with Jen every day after hours: Fact
2) He spends time alone with Jen without you there, outside of work related obligations: Fact
3) He has put Jen’s feelings and needs ahead of yours: Fact
4) He gets defensive and angry about your asking to prioritize you: Fact
These are not unfounded conclusions. These are actually founded. Completely founded. Don’t let him pull the wool over your eyes. He’s having an emotional affair. He’s already there. Sure, he may not have done anything physical. Yet. But that doesn’t mean he hasn’t already broken that emotional trust. OF COURSE you don’t trust him right now. He’s not giving you a good reason to trust him. Makes me sick how he’s trying to get you to prove your love for him when really, he should be doing that FOR YOU.
Have you ever heard that radio bit called the War of the Roses? Where the radio host calls a spouse pretending to be from a local florist, trying to get the word out about their business. They offer them a dozen free red roses to anyone they want for no money. When the person starts giving the name they want them sent to, the host asks “oh this is so nice, she’s going to love it! Is that your wife? Oh, no, it’s your girlfriend? how long have you been dating? blah blah blah” and gets all the dirt. I kinda wish we could do that bit in this situation. You’d have your answer pretty damn quick.
Post # 437
Okay he is clearly an asshole. He is saying oh things are so different now that you guys have a kid, then he is saying you are coming up with unfounded ideas and that you are spiralig. okay hell no, he is playing you right now so hard. Sounds like the definition of gaslighting I can’t believe it. He needs to own up for having an emotional affair and cut off all contact with Jen, I don’t care if he works with her.
Post # 438
mrstodd2bee : THIS. YES, THIS!!!!
I can’t even read this anymore…I feel like this is me years ago….no amount of advice from any of us will change your mind until YOU want to deal with this. The affair will go underground. They will use another app or another way of communicating or just see each other in person.
Post # 439
emeraldbee : he also mentions their child…but he has time to spend with Jen (chatting and going away to conferences)- so where is his “devotion” to his child then. This guy makes me want to puke.
Post # 440
emeraldbee : Quick! Someone make a new profile with Jens info and catfish this guy!
Post # 441
“H: I don’t think either of us knows “how she feels.” It is also more important to focus on ourselves first and our relationship”
Two points. First, to echo a PP, why are you having these conversations on text or messenger? Not to mention a real time, in person conversation would actually have the potential and give you the opportunity to see how he responds if he thinks you already know or have uncovered certain things.
Second, the fact that he says this, and he actually said it twice in this conversation, begs the question whether Jen has already revealed her feelings to him.
He is 100% wrong that how Jen feels about him is unimportant. If there was a chance she was developing feelings because of the lack of any appropriate boundaries on his part whatsoever that is highly relevant. It should have affected his actions both then and now.
Post # 442
It’s best to have serious convos in person with your spouse rather than electronically so you can get non-verbals and give it the time it needs. If you think Jen goes to this therapist you def shouldn’t see the same one. What did your husband see a therapist for? Interesting that he did but he refuses to go to counseling with you.
It’s striking to me that he says the baby changed your relationship. I think what he is saying is you can’t give him the attention you used to because of the baby so he found that in Jen. Which is shitty but not uncommon. My feeling is they aren’t having a physical affair but it’s def an emotional one. Only time will time if he’s able to truly break it off. Be on your guard and don’t doubt yourself if you feel something is still going on!
Post # 443
Come on bee, call “cheaters” they will find out for you what’s really happening here!!! You need real answers.
Post # 444
Oh bee, oh bee, the more I read the more I get upset! Im asking God to protect you. I have you and your child in my prayers. There’s no doubt you are a very nice lady. You love him and want to save your marriage. I get it, we all get it.
Dont let him take advantage of your kindness, don’t let him tell you or put you in a box of lies and darkness, don’t let him convince you that “it’s all in your head”. Hold your ground!
Post # 445
The therapy appointment is scheduled for Thursday. With regards to te therapist, he went to her two years ago. Appaently this past winter, when she told him things weren’t going well in her marriage, they talked about therapists. He gave her that therapist’s information, and apparently that is who she has been seeing. I didn’t want to spend time researching therapists and just asked for his therapist’s info. (He is not aware that i know that Jen is in therapy with the same person. I will call to ask to see a different therapist. I know HIPAA would be in place, but I didn’t know if her having inside knowledge would be to my benefit (e.g. If Jen had ever mentioned having feelings for my husband, the therapist might have different suggestions for me vs being completely unaware.
Husband has ceased outside work responding. He (and I) really respct and like Michelle, and for him to end things entirely would hurt his relationship with Michelle and all his other colleagues (and I also really respect and like them, too); I would hate for him to lose all of the social bonds as a result of all of this. Jen’s messages have decreased to about 5-10 a day, and so far only to the group of Michelle and my husband. Hopefully she’ll just slowly get the hint. I told him she will eventually flat out ask you what is going on, and he will tell her the truth–he is reducing his social media and messenger time to be with family a more.
The messages that I copy-pasted are because we wrote those while we were at work. We have been having (emotionally exhausting) talks in person in the evenings after putting our dayghter down.
After I sent my most recent update, he sent me a list of dates we could possibly get a babysitter for (about 10 so far) this summer since I had mentioned that I felt like he had more daytes with Jen than he and I had We used to love biking together (20-30 miles,) jogging, trying new restaurants, orchestra and opera concerts, etc I am hoping to bring that back
Sorry again about the jumbled cryptic message earlier. I didn’t have time to retype it Hopefully you got the idea .
Also, I am about 1/2 way through Not Just Friends book.
Post # 446
Her messages have decreased to 5-10 a day? Lol! Are they work related atleast? He needs to just start if ignoring her if it’s not. She can’t get a clue if he won’t give her one. Dates sound like a good start.
Post # 447
They haven’t been work related, but he hasn’t deleted them. I would think that, if he were deleting them, he would have deleted most of the messages that I saw (unbeknownst to him) by now. 5-10 is actually a huge improvement from before where it was probably 30-40 a day outside of work.
Post # 448
wifeconflicted : It is completely unethical for this therapist to work with you if she has worked with your husband and Jen. If you were going to couples counseling, that could be one thing. The therapist will not be able to share anything, or provide any benefit to you, if she has worked with them and has knowledge of their affair.
It would be illegal for her to disclose anything, even in giving you advice.
Your health and well-being is WELL worth taking time to search for a proper therapist who will be unbiased and not placed in any unethical position.
I have no idea where you live but you can use https://www.helppro.com/nasw/BasicSearch.aspx to find a therapist who specializes in couples/marital issues as well as being covered by your insurance if you are in the US. Please take the time to invest in yourself. You’re worth it.
I’ve read all 30 pages and see you seem to avoid all the posts where people are trying to really make you realize what’s going on. I am not yet married and have never been in this situation. I have been in a toxic long-term relationship where everyone else either told me to get out repeatedly or just was a silent on-looker, and I had to get hurt, multiple times, deeply, and waste a lot of time of my life until it ended. And then held on a little after ended things years prior, but got hurt again when more truths were revealed. If I hadn’t ended it when I had, and learned what I did, I would have been even more crushed.
We can only share our experiences and wisdom (really more the wisdom of all the other women on here) with you. You have to make your choices for yourself. But know that you help yourself by feeling the pain and ending it now than later and that pain hurting you even more severely.
I am sure this is so very frightening and horrifying to you. You are going to continue to be hurt until you finally uncover more and more until you witness some horrible things to fully prove what is going on.
Good luck to you.
Post # 449
avedaprincess : ugh, I forgot about that part because I got so mad for her at the unfounded conclusions part.
slomotion : lol!! It’s not a terrible idea!
Bee, I’m glad you’re trying to make some positive steps, but I just caution you against a false sense of security. I went through all of this with my ex. He pretended to try, told me our marriage was back on track. That I had nothing to worry about. That he’d never throw away what we had built. Guess what? He did. Less than 6 months after entering therapy. Just please be careful with your heart.
Post # 450
I’m done pissing in the wind. I’m out. If 30 pages of Bee posting all with the same opionin hasn’t broken thru her wall of denial I dont know what will.