(Closed) Husband and "Work Wife"

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 751
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I don’t get it. Why can’t he just politely explain? WHY is this SOOOO excruciating for him if nothing inappropriate is happening? Sorry, but your husband is acting like a whiney brat being told to hand over a toy he’s been grounded from. This is bordering on absurd. All he has to say is their relationship has become closer than he’s comfortable with and drop it. Like, it’s not hard. Something is up, dude. Time to smell the coffee. 

 

Also, all of the stuff you’re resorting too just seems so tedious and not worth it. I’d be dragging him kicking and screaming to the nearest marriage counselor, no ifs ands or buts. 

Post # 752
Member
5028 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

J is needy af, begging for attention and fishing for compliments and your husband is giving it to her.  Micromanaging is not the answer.  If your husband wants your marriage to work then he needs to prioritize it and stop playing this sad game with J.  You can’t force it.  At the moment he is still giving her what she wants, emotional support, connection and attention.  Doesn’t matter if you limit their contact to work hours, they are still being inappropriate.

Post # 753
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I am sorry you’re dealing with this. Regardless of what he’s saying, they definitely both enjoy flirting with each other which is crossing a line. I think it’s fair to ask him how he would feel if there was another man so intimately involved in your life the way she is in his.

this is causing an incredible amount of stress. It’s not fair that he is putting her feelings above your own.

counselling should be a non negotiable and if he resists then I think you really need to go on your own to see what you want.

Post # 754
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee

50 pages…J. Christ.

The simple 1 paragraph version is your husband is cheating–emotionally or physically or both. And the micromanagement of the current situation is nothing more than code for: “I don’t trust you, dear husband of mine.” Rightly so! You should not have to point out that you and your family are more important. You shouldn’t have to draw boundaries for him because they should already be there. You shouldn’t have to fight for your marriage or your sanity when you didn’t do anything wrong and when you aren’t asking for anything extraordinary in the least. You should be priority one–period. You and your child. He is making you out to be and consequently making you feel like the “bad guy,” the “fun police,” and the insecure wife. This is all, quite frankly, bullshit. I can’t comment on how your relationship typically is (or was), but in mine (and in many bees’ whose posts I’ve enjoyed reading on this website), if things had somehow and inexplicably gotten to this point, there would be no options. I would expect there to be ZERO texting that isn’t work-related and ZERO texting/IM’ing/calling/canoodling/whatever else after work hours. I would expect that WHATEVER IT TOOK for me to feel comfortable and like I had a trustworthy husband (again) would be employed. Immediately. Up to and including COUPLES counseling. Up to and including deleting FB RIGHT NOW. Up to and including explaining to poor little Jen what the fucking deal is and not feeling remotely bad about it because it’s a husband’s job to put his relationship with his wife above all others. If I experienced as much gas lighting, foot dragging, blame shifting, and guilt tripping as you have in the process, I would be gone–whether I had a child or not. Whether I had a house with him or not. Whether I still loved him or not. Whether it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in life thus far or not.

This isn’t about losing your marriage, this is about losing yourself first and foremost. I really hope in subsequent updates you detail how you’ve decided to put the oxygen mask on yourself first and how you’ve stopped being so thoughtful and concerned towards people and things that CLEARLY don’t return the courtesy. I understand this may be complicated since you’re on the inside and we are but spectators. But please–stop settling and feeding yourself platitudes (and the people who are giving you sound, if not tough, advice). This is all bullshit. Stop the bullshit and you’ll get your life back–even if it looks a little different than before. That’s not a bad thing.

Post # 755
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m new to this thread. Just spent the last 2 hours reading everything. TWO HOURS I WILL NEVER GET BACK. I surely thought you, OP, would have at least come to your senses by now, ya know, PAGE 51. FIFTY. ONE.

It’s as if you know your husband is cheating on you but you’re hoping for 1 or 2 people to convince you otherwise, to justify you staying with his sorry ass. You should spend your counseling $ on a private investigator so you can at least have CONCRETE evidence that he’s fucking Jen, bc you know he is. Would you leave him then? 

Post # 756
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee

OP, what kind of spell does your husband have on you?

I’m trying to get all your details straight. You said your husband and Jen started getting close 2 years ago in you original post.  You also said you and your husband have been together around 12 years and have a daughter (I’m guessing around 2 or so?)  I completel get that you have a lot of time invested in this relationship, but how much more proof do you need?  Your huband is not doing a fucking thing to put your needs/feelings/relationship first.  How many more pages do you need to read to get that through your head?

I told my Fiance about this situation and asked what he would do if we were in this same scenario.  He said if I ***ever*** felt uncomfortable about a relationship he had he would do whatever he needed to do to put me at ease because our relationship comes first.  Your husband is blatently telling you – he’s not even remotely trying to be sneaky at this point – that he has STRONG feelings for Jen and that HER – not you – is number one in his life.  Otherwise he would have the balls to end it with her.

This hasn’t been going on 2 weeks – it’s been going on 2 YEARS! I don’t consider myself an assertive woman, but for JFC sake, this is absolutely ridiculous.  What more is it going to take for you to wake up?  He’s not going to counseling with you because he doesn’t think he’s the problem.  I wish I had read this yesterday as I’m in the Chicago area and I would have gone to that hotel where their supposed conference is to check it out.  Do you really think they’re going to stay away from each other the entire summer? Hell no.  He’s not shutting it down, so she’s going to continue to contact him.  I also showed my Fiance the texts between them and he said for sure something is going on.  He’s (nor I) never texted a coworker like that before.

I really, really feel sorry for you.

Post # 757
Member
4820 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

wifeconflicted :  Jen sure knows how to push your DH’s buttons.

Is there a Human Resources department at their place of work?   (sorry if that has been asked before – I haven’t read all the posts…..)

Post # 758
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Jen had a “breakdown” because your husband wasn’t showing her attention and she needed him to validate her and show he cares. 

Post # 759
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

If the tables were turned and you got caught in an emotional affair, what would you do? If you wanted to keep it going you’d prob do what your husband is doing. But let’s be real, if you saw your life flash before your eyes and the fear of losing years of marriage in an instant, I’m pretty sure you’d stop all contact and possibly get a new job to save the life you’ve worked so hard to build. Your husband is not at the place where he feels he will lose you if he continues. He needs to get there. The only one who will make him get there is you. So in the end you’re enabling the affair. It’s time to put your foot down and get serious about what you expect from him. 

Post # 760
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2007

mrsfj :  exactly. The reason that hubby is being so conflicted and woe-is-me is because he has NO sense of the consequences of his emotional (and maybe more?) affair. And he doesn’t seem to be aware of consequences because OP has not laid them out, for whatever reason. So he thinks the maximum consequences are that she will be grouchy and bitchy at him.

Op. HAVE YOU INSISTED ON MARITAL COUNSELING, AND IF NOT, WHY NOT?

 Your plan to simply micromanage him and hope he doesn’t communicate with his affair partner this summer will only lead to resentment on both your parts. You need a neutral third-party to make him realize that what he’s doing is entirely inappropriate. I’m sorry to say that at this point I don’t have high hopes for your marriage. Again, I recommend the website surviving infidelity. They are the experts and hopefully could convince you that you are going about this 100% wrong and only driving your marriage into the ground at this point.

You can’t “nice” him back. He feels badly about everything, yes. But he feels badly to be letting his nice innocent friend Jen down, and to be feeling the wrath of his overly jealous and controlling wife. WTF is that. 

Post # 761
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

So. I’ve been thinking about this. And I wonder if your husband  ever considers Jen’s husband feelings with her coming to him and him physically and verbally comforting her? Maybe you need to point out to him that he’s the “other man” & is breaking up that relationship as well as his own? Does he want to be a homewrecker? 

Post # 762
Member
2328 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

 

jannigirl :  Why would he care about her husband when he doesn’t even care about his own wife? 

Post # 763
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

wifeconflicted :  I’ve been reading this thread since the beginning, hoping to read an update that says you’ve made the healthiest decision for yourself and your daughter. It’s horrendous what your husband is doing and Jen’s behaviour is terrible too BUT your latest update suggests that you have lost insight…you have fully positioned yourself in their territory of dysfunctional 

I was once in a similar situation (though not complicated by marriage and children.) I had started a new life in a new country for my first love. I sacrificed a lot so I could study there and settle down with him. I gave it my best shot whilst he started the most obvious affair with a girl who ‘needed’ him etc…she even played with his hair in front of me. I managed to finish my first year of uni out there and then got the fuck away from their weird, dysfunctional and solipsistic arrangement. Some affairs are so arrogant that the victim is invisible throughout. That’s why you get out!

Your husband is so blinded by his selfish feelings and you’re so blinded by his ‘reassuring’ Jen Journal that somehow this has become normal for both of you. It is not normal. 

 

Post # 764
Member
4081 posts
Honey bee

So your husband is screwing Jen. That pretty much sums all 51 pages of this thread up. 

Post # 765
Member
12484 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I think it’s ironic that H is worried about “humanely” dealing with Jen. IF he really has no appreciation for the fact that he’s gotten himself into at minimum an emotional affair, which is a very big if, he’s not doing even his affair partner  any favors. 

By indulging her behavior, all he does is encourage her. The conference conversation makes clear just how dysfunctional their “colleague” relationship really is. The only rational explanation is he doesn’t want it to end.

When another woman feels free to get outraged, in all caps, that your H is not picking her up, not driving her around town, and not taking her out to dinner, accuses him of having a mid life crisis when he won’t, and has a crying meltdown,  something is very, very wrong.

It’s long overdue but her horrendous behavior this week at the conference is still the perfect opening for H to tell Jen that he needs to take a big step back. 

Of course that assumes he’s telling some version of “his” truth. It would be awful if he was telling you all this in order to let you imagine he’s being “transparent” in order to prevent you from uncovering  suspicious details in some other way. 

Also, consider this. Don’t you think Jen will take all the events of the conference straight to her therapist? If you are still seeing this person how can you possibly tell her what’s been going on?

Third time, what are you still doing there? 

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