(Closed) Husband and "Work Wife"

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 782
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I’m glad things seem better.  A couple things that I thought, reading your post:

1) It’s not HER behavior that you need to let go or not let go.  Your husband is your problem.  The hottest girl in the world could walk up to him on the street and unzip his pants and try to blow him, and it’d still be HIS responsibility to choose to value you and your marriage.  

2) Contacting her…..I don’t think this will be helpful.  It will just create a “omg my/your wife is crazy and jealous of our innocent and special relationship” little secret pact between them.  Or, if they are indeed having a physical affair, it will cause her to go underground and you will lose your (very minimal) insight into the situation.  I think contacting HER husband, without telling your husband, to ask whether he is aware of the level of their relationship and if he is comfortable with it, is the way to go.  Who knows, maybe he has already busted them in bed together.  Two sets of eyes on them is far better than one.  Bringing this inappropriate relationship into the light under scrutiny is the best way to kill it.

3) The fact that your husband is blaming and gas-lighting you for wanting to know when he will be meeting with Jen is worrisome and shows he does NOT get it.

4) WHAT IS THE STATUS OF MARITAL COUNSELING.  If it’s not planned, why not?

Post # 783
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

OP, I just got caught up and I don’t agree that you should confront Jen.  What is that going to do? Do you really think she’s going to admit to anything?  I think it will just drive them underground like the PP said.  I am glad to hear that you’re going to see a different therapist but I would not expect answers after just one meeting.  Your husband is the one you need to be mad at.  You can be mad at Jen of course, but your husband is the problem.  If this wasn’t going on with Jen, it would be with another woman.

You can’t live like this.  He still hasn’t shown anything to me that he really wants to save your marriage.

Post # 784
6864 posts
Busy Beekeeper

wifeconflicted :  Since I can’t seem to let her behavior go, I am strongly leaning toward asking what she thinks about me reaching out directly to Jen.

Oh, Bee. You are still misplacing blame. Jen owes you nothing. She is not your problem. Your husband is. And you won’t even require him to attend couples counseling with you. Why? 

Consider this–you find some way to scare Jen away. Because you still have not addressed the real problem, your husband, he just finds someone to replace her. And you’re right back in the same place. 

Post # 785
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Oh Bee, each update makes me sadder. I’m sorry your husband is having an affair and I’m sorry that its so hard to come to terms with it.

1. Do not contact Jen. You are not married to her. She is not the problem.

2. It IS pretty damn fishy that you couldn’t find him on FriendFinder when was traveling. Can you now that he is home? Sorry but the evidence that the relationship is physical in addition to emotional just keeps piling on. 

Post # 786
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

SHE IS NOT THE PROBLEM. YOUR HUSBAND IS. Goddamn!! I honestly pity you.  Annnnd, I’m done with this. 

Post # 787
987 posts
Busy bee

OP, I’ve read every update in this thread. The only conclusion I’ve come to is that there is not nearly enough money in this world to ever make me marry a man-child like your husband in this lifetime. Or the next. Or the next. Or even the next…..

Post # 788
56 posts
Worker bee

what is friendfinder? is it a locating service…is this something you and your H share so you can know each other’s location? if this was conveniently turned off that weekend…um…yeah…what a coincidence.

your latest post still contains some red flags…i really hope your new therapist helps you.


Post # 789
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

wifeconflicted :  honestly, who wants to live like this? You’re slowly becoming psychotic and your behavior is beyond obsessive and micro managing. All this because he hasn’t changed a damn thing. I hope this is worth your mental health. The second you let him blame the baby for you changing and his behavior, I was really concerned. Now I’m just sad for you. 😞

Post # 790
2328 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

wifeconflicted :  How do you keep giving these mindless updates when HUNDREDS of people are telling you this is f**cked up?

Are you even reading or just writing in a diary? Dear Diary, today my Darling Husband didn’t speak to his mistress! Yay. 

Post # 791
10077 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Bee, do you have a family member or friend you can tell about what’s going on? Maybe it would help you to hear it from someone you know and trust.

Post # 792
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Innerdonught :  *whispers* shhhhhh……I want to know what happens next…..

Post # 793
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

If anything, this behavior will drive him right into her arms. He knows how you feel at this point, he will either respect it or not.

Post # 794
5107 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Again, why do you want a 1:1 with jen? Like a pp said,  she is not your problem, your HUSBAND IS. 

Look, the fact that he doesn’t want to go to therapy with you shows that he’s already checked out but you keep blaming her. It’s not her. This is sad.

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