(Closed) Husband and "Work Wife"

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 795
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m sorry Bee, this must be so hard! Despite some of the tough love comments on here, I can assure you that we’re all rooting for you. Keep us updated!

Post # 796
Member
12295 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

How did the change of therapists come about? Did you make the move or did the original counselor put two and two together? 

Nothing has changed in another outrageous update. H is still trying to gaslight you into believing that demanding transparency, when he’s the one who has had an affair, is some sort of mental deficit on your part. 

He still refuses to acknowledge any responsibility at all. What is the point of individual therapy when H is putting in zero effort? It would be one thing if you needed support because you were thinking of leaving him after all else had failed. Or if your anxiety and depression are affecting your function. But not in lieu of couples counseling. I would ask what’s going on there, but assume you’d ignore the question once again. 

Mother’s Day was good because your child was in day care? OK. I hate to tell you, but your problems won’t be solved with a bike ride. 

Meeting with Jen is a terrible idea. Your issue is with H. You have refused to give him an ultimatum, so I see nothing changing. 

Post # 797
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

sweetsweetdee :  I’m not.  I’m rooting for H and Jen to run away together & never come back.  At least then the daughter can have a fair shot at being happy since OP won’t leave for her sake.

Post # 798
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

megrays :  I know, everyone is so passionately upset and yet it’s barely been 2 or 3 weeks? People don’t change on a dime and if this is the first semblance of disloyalty or infidelity, it can take some time for your mind to understand and adapt. And she’s working on it. You know all those cliches… the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, doesn’t matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop, yada yada yada…

Post # 799
Member
2427 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

sweetsweetdee :  A couple of other cliches come to mind: Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, and emptying the desert a tablespoon of sand at a time.

If wifeconflicted is going to make a dent in this situation, I think she has to make a firm stand and things have got to change quickly, not slowly. Something has to penetrate this asshole’s pea brain (I mean her husband) and get the message to him that his thing with Jen is over, and he doesn’t have a choice in the matter unless he wants to end his marriage and life as he knows it.

Post # 800
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

54 pages? Lol, I feel like we’re being trolled.

Post # 801
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

 

iluvhummingbirds :  I decided about 10 pages ago that we ARE being trolled. I don’t buy it anymore. Her updates seem to be designed to bait us, and she keeps insisting she is reading every post, but she responds to none of the issues or questions that everyone is asking. she’s just telling a story, she’s not actually interacting with the advice on here at all. at this point, i think it’s all fake. 

Post # 802
Member
1437 posts
Bumble bee

Okay, so I have been following this for a while and originally was on the fence playing devil’s advocate, thinking but what if she really is just a friend? How would I feel if my partner placed restrictions on how often I could contact a friend?

However, it is clear to me that their friendship is much more intense than a normal work friend or even close friendship. Her dramatic outbursts when your husband didn’t give her as much attention prove that. Even if they are not having a physical affair, they have definitely crossed boundaries and are very reliant on each other, hence your husbands reluctance to distance himself from her and him “feeling sick” when she questions him on why they can’t meet. He is feeling sick because he is emotionally reliant on this woman and the thought of upsetting her or distancing himself from her is causing him anguish. 

For whatever reason, your husband is finding something he is missing in your relationship with this woman and the feeling is clearly mutual. Him ignoring you to text her all evening after spending all day at work with her speaks volumes. I am not convinved there is definitely a physical affair without more evidence, but this is definitely an emotional one. Look at this logically, he is literally ruining his relationship with his wife and the mother of his child over what he describes as nothing more than a work friend. Why would he do this? 

I think some bees are being very harsh in their posts, I can understand their frustration, but it’s easier said than done to end a 10+ year relationship with a man you have child with this quickly without concrete proof of an affair. 

If it were me I would threatened to walk by now unless he told Jen in no uncertain terms to back off. He can be polite and professional about it and if they are as close friends and he claims surely she would understand that this relationship at the very least looks inapropriate to his wife and she needs to take a big step back and keep things purely professional from now on. There is nothing wrong in a married person saying politely that the closeness of this relationship/friendship is bothering my spouse and as such we need to distance ourselves a bit. I have had to say this to an ex I was friends with and she respected it, if your husband respected you and your relationship he would have done this by now. It is complete nonsense that it would negatively affect his career, she is a colleague not his boss and it’s perfectly acceptable to want to distance yourself from an smothering, emotionally unstable, demanding colleague (which is what she is).

The issue here is not her, it’s him. If he wanted to he would have told her to back off a long time ago, but he hasn’t. He has fought so hard to maintain their relationship whilst plactating you with messages, calls and other “proofs” that he doesn’t really want her. As hard as it is you must ask yourself why instead of going into denial and blaming this all on her. 

Post # 803
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

These updates are getting sadder and sadder. You had a great mother’s day because your daughter was in daycare? Really… it’s sad that your great MOTHERS day was without your actual child and instead spent riding freaking bikes around. I don’t believe for a second that your child is your number one priority here. So sad.

Either you are trolling.. in which case congrats on getting dozens of women really attached to this.. or this is a lost cause.

At this point I don’t even get why you want to be with this guy period.. as he is such a blatant loser. Sorry but he is. Maybe he can throw another hissy fit.. you know.. as all normal adults do.

But for whatever reason you do. So just accept the fact that either you leave and maybe that will make him realize what he has done or accept that you are a third wheel to him and Jen. 

Good luck.

Post # 804
Member
13 posts
Newbee

What a mess. Good luck. 

Post # 805
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You deserve better. I would say counseling or divorce. I dont think your being jealous or like petty about this it is effecting your marrige. I would personally also say something to the woman about this. I would say I know you and my husband are friends at work but I would appreciate you not messaging or calling MY husband on the weekend because it is disruptive. Like let her know you are on to her etc. Maybe she will back off

Post # 806
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

anatheanalyst :  Yes, that really stood out to me too. Who celebrates Mother’s Day while her baby is in day care?

 

Post # 807
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Not sure if I want to jump on the troll train, or be nice because I want more updates…

Post # 808
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

How do you expect all of these trust issues to be solved when you’re the only one going to counseling?

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