(Closed) Husband and "Work Wife"

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 120
Member
694 posts
Busy bee

wifeconflicted :  Girl, I’m a firm believer in listening to your intuition. If you feel like something is off with this woman, there probably is. Just reading your story raised a ton of red flags for me. That being said, if Jen totally disappeared tomorrow from your life would everything go back to being perfect or would there be another Jen in 6 months or a year?

Post # 122
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

wifeconflicted :  I wonder what Jen’s husband thinks of all this, or if he’s oblivious to it.

Post # 123
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

wifeconflicted :   I would definitly keep her husband out of it

Honestly I think your husband is putting his relationship on the line.  You seem somewhat passive in this whole situation.  

If I was you I would be demanding more from my husband to resolve this.  Even if it meant finding a new job.  Does he want to save his relationship?  Do you want to sit back and watch your husband comit a full-fleged affair.  I think it’s time to be a bit more confrontational here.  

Post # 126
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

I feel for you. This sounds like an awful position to be in and I do not think you are overreacting. You said you have talked to your husband about Jen, but have you talked to him about feeling like he’s checked out of your marriage and just phoning it in?

Post # 128
Member
9604 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

You need to drop the hammer on this. 

Post # 130
Member
11746 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

wifeconflicted :  well, I’m gonna call this after all of your updates. You would be a fool to not put your foot down. 

Everything you’re writing here is how affairs happen.

dont let people gaslight you. You know there’s a problem. Stand up for yourself and your marriage. He needs to man up and fast. 

Post # 131
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

wifeconflicted :  That’s so unfair that he throws a litany of Great Guy stuff in your face as if you should be grateful enough for this to ignore something that is troubling you. Because lots of guys do great stuff like this- my Darling Husband does the same kind of stuff your Darling Husband does and he’s a great dad and step-dad, but absolutely no way would this make what you describe he’s doing with Jen okay with me. If anything I would be more vocal and pissed off than you, you seem downright reasonable IMO.

Your Darling Husband isn’t even being logical in his argument, because him being a great dad and cooking and doing laundry is the equivalent to you being a great mom and doing the dishes and laundry etc, it’s great that you both do these things of course and you should appreciate these things in each other, but it doesn’t give either of you a free pass or immunity against words or actions that is hurting the other partner. 

And while he may have seen Jen cry over a work altercation, this still in no way equals actually living with someone and dealing with the day in and day out stuff. And, as another PP already pointed out, her upset tears weren’t directed AT him. 

Plus, I’m sorry to be so blunt because you seem so nice, but it’s total bullshit that he’s so attentive to her while treating you second rate. If he’s truly a wonderful caring guy, his wife should be receiving this wonderful attentiveness too, even more so than his co-workers, not less so. And yes, going to school activities and shopping for a sponsored family are good things to do, so you’re feeling awkward about complaining- but saying he forgot your birthday in the process is just one more sad example of him not making you a priority. 

I would tell him you want to have a serious heart to heart, no cell phones or other distractions, and a promise to each other upfront that you’ll both hear the other person out without interruption. And ask him to please actually listen to how you’re feeling instead of just going on the defensive. Surely if he loves you and you tell him everything you told us, he’ll see that his actions are hurting you and want to help fix things. 

Post # 132
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

wifeconflicted :  I have read all of your updates, and I think you’re being incredibly kind and understanding, particularly given the stack of items you’ve told us about since your OP.

 

At this point in your situation, I would definitely go to counseling (independently), and I would also (after speaking to a therapist) let your Darling Husband know that you are committed to working things out so that everyone feels heard, however you’re not willing to be so blatantly disregarded and are not willing to be a 3rd wheel in your own marriage. Let him know he can either get on board with you and work toward a real resolution with the help of a trained therapist, or, you’ll be leaving the relationship. I would be, at least. 

You really have two outcomes if he’s not willing to work on it: he either somehow gets offered a great new job that he’d take, and therefore would likely see much less of Jen due to the new logistics, or he’ll end up retreating further from you and spending more time with her (or anyone he feels he can buddy up to) and then potentially cheating, emotionally and/or physically. I don’t know about you but neither of those sounds like something I’d be super into. I would rather be a single parent and happy than to live with this for the next however many years.

Post # 133
Member
4691 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Wow this is crazy. You’re still conflicted after all the evidence is smacking you in the face. Keep doing what you’re doing, I guess. Just don’t be too shocked when you see their relationship escalate further. Especially with summer coming again. Will she be coming over all the time again when you’re at work? Does he wear his Cologne for these at home visits? Come on now. Open your eyes. You don’t want to be “unfair” to him and Jen? How is this fair to you? 

Post # 134
Member
4010 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

wifeconflicted :  I’ve spent a lot of time reading this thread front to back. And as an outsider a lot of what is happening with your Darling Husband and Jen is a problem.

And an even bigger problem to me is that you have such intuition that something is off and yet you are stifiling perfectly rational thoughts because you feel sorry for him or you feel like you’re controlling him. Well what about YOU?! What about YOUR FEELINGS????

You have EVERY right to be worried and upset about their relationship and how your marriage has changed since she’s been around (which to me is NOT a coincidence). I think she’s inappropriate with how much she messages your Darling Husband outside of work and your Darling Husband is even worse for writing you off and giving you a guilt trip for you even suggesting that he give you more attention.

And then I read your most recent update, and that just solidified it, HE FORGOT YOUR BIRTHDAY AND INSTEAD PLANNED AN ENTIRE WEEKEND HANGING OUT WITH HER. I hate to be harsh OP but No fucking way. That is a big big problem, your husband has completely checked out of your marriage and you’re absolutely in denial.

I don’t care if I get flack for this…Jen is a man eater. Never in a million years would I act the way she is acting. I would never message another man at all hours of the night, I would never come between a marriage or allow another man to give attention to me in that way. She has to know what they are doing is having consequences and I have no doubt in my mind that her relationship is imploding for the same reason yours is…..

This needs to be nipped in the bud now. I don’t often suggest counseling but this is so bad I think you both really really need it.

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