(Closed) Husband argues with me about taking care of baby

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee

This all made me so sad

Post # 3
Member
346 posts
Helper bee

alc1979:  im so sorry, bee hugs.

i am sure many bees here will have ideas and good advices for you.

remember to also take care of you.

Post # 4
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

 He helped make the baby he sure as shit better help take care of it! 

However, I’m sure taking care of baby is difficult and you could still be in the adjustment phase. Maybe counselling? It seems like there is something else going on. Maybe work stress? Worried about being a bad parent? Maybe he dropped/hurt the baby and doesn’t want to be alone again? Idk just random things. 

if he just doesn’t want to take care of his own baby he’s just a piece of shit.

Post # 5
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Wow. I am sorry OP. He sounds majorly resentful, and it seems like he thinks (at least he acts like) the child you had together is YOUR baby alone. His attitude is horrendous.

Honestly, I think counseling is in order, and if he won’t go, you at least need to go yourself to work through your emotions and how to proceed from here on and out.

But I will say, if he does not have any desire to change his attitude and be a partner to you and a father to his child, I don’t foresee a change on his side. So then you have some big decisions to make.

Post # 6
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

alc1979:  yikes how was he during your pregnancy because he sounds like a shitty husband and even worse father. This isn’t just your baby and you should have to work yourself into th e ground because hes being lazy and not wanting to stand up to the plate. He should of thought about the care a child needs before having one.

Post # 7
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

alc1979:  you need a chore chart. And you two can hash out what a chore is (ie does dressing the kid count as a chore). You can also talk to his mother? Loop in family to get more support, enlist a marriage councilor and outsource chores (pay for car wash)…  cuz talking to him isn’t working. He doesn’t want to work with you or help you (and it doesnt sound like you are sure why). Something is going on and you ultimately need someone else to tell him he is being an asshole and there will be consequences for not working with u. For all we know he sees taking care of the baby as woman’s work and expects you to take care of kid, work full time and take care of the house… Clearly he isn’t pulling his weight and is living in lala land, but there is no good or easy answer when a relationship stops working.

You also both seem like you need a date night. Leave the baby was a friend or in laws or your parents or babysitter and go out for a movie and dinner. 

Post # 8
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery

If your hubby has been acting different since the baby, I can totally sympathize. My Darling Husband has been great with the baby but has done a total change regarding other aspects of his personality. I think some men regress once a baby comes along. My Darling Husband has turned into a sullen/moody teenager. I don’t really have any advice because I’m in the midst of dealing with some changes myself. Good luck to you and maybe see if he’s responsive to couples therapy. 

Post # 9
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee

OK. I’m finished being sad. Brought back a SLEW of awful memories.

How old is the baby now? It feels like you guys do a lot of holding – you hold her then he holds her, etc… She should be having some independent time. Put her in a Pack ‘n Play with some cool toys or a swing or a walker so you can get a few moments to yourself. If she is accustomed to being held all the time, she will fuss a bit but she will get used to it. Babies cry. Don’t feel like you need to resolve the tears within the 1st 5 seconds every single time. You’re not a bad parent for letting her cry a bit, although you will feel so.

I have few words for your husband. He’s being a pig-headed jackass and quite frankly seriously missing out on what could be the most rewarding experience he’ll ever have. My 1st husband was the same way. Notice I said 1st.

Post # 10
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Sounds like my ex. This was the beginning of the end for Us. Score keeping ruins a partnership. 

Post # 11
Member
6231 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Sometimes men are so fucking stupid.

Mrs. Obama reached the point, when her girls were young, where she had to get up and leave the house early in the mornings to go to the gym and get some time to herself so Barack Obama could be on duty with his girls. It’s not innate for everyone- even our president who is now clearly very engaged as a father. 

It’s hard to make someone take on parenting when they don’t want to and if he’s really not willing to do it, it’s not like you can leave a tiny baby with him. The thing that is most concerning is that he won’t even hold her while you do something else. That would make me feel like it was impossible to work with him.

But you’re also right in the thick of the transition when things are really hard for all involved. I send you much sympathy and would also say that if this continues for much longer, it may be worth the time and effort to figure out your next steps as a mother with a child who is dependent on you.

Post # 12
Member
1800 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m so sorry your going through this. What a jerk. Could you I lost the help of family? A baby carrier? Counselling? Clearly he isn’t understanding your needs.

Post # 13
Member
4426 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

alc1979:  I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. I know babies are a huge adjustment for any relationship. Our son is 6 months and we went through a rough patch too. There are still bad days, but it’s gotten better as DS has gotten a bit older. Even with all of the stress that comes with a new baby, your DH’s attitude is unacceptable. End of story. That is not how a supportive partner and father acts. I think you need to sit down and explain how his actions impact you and the baby, and really explain to him how immature He is being.  Then, until things settle down, I would create a plan for each day of the week so the bigger parts of the day (morning feed and daycare drop off, dinner, bath) are split between you two. Schedule time for yourselves in that schedule and stick to it. It doesn’t matter if you choose to go to bed early or go to dinner with a friend. You have to allow the other person to have alone time. 

Most importantly, though, you need to be calm and prepared. He is being very emotionally manipulative and that’s not okay in the slightest. If he starts doing the competitive thing, stop him and tell him this is not a competition and keeping score is not how adults do things. 

Post # 14
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

alc1979:  So sorry you are going through this. I just want to add that I’m really hoping he steps up because pretty soon, your baby is going to PREFER you instead of daddy for attention. And it’s going to make things even harder to get things done. Bathing.. feeding… playing.. “I want mommy!”

Post # 15
Member
7416 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

gatsbyaffair:  talking to his mother is really bad advice. The OP and her husband are a family and are supposed to be a team, and there’s simply no reason to bring his parents into things as if he were a spoiled teenager caught breaking curfew.

 

OP, you and your husband should make a list of everything that needs to get done around the house, then divide it up. Hire someone to do whatever you can’t or won’t do between you. One way or another, someone has to run the vacuum cleaner, mow the lawn and give the baby a bath. But you each need to start by acknowledging what the other one is actually contributing, then identifying the gaps and making a plan to fill them. You also need to learn how to communicate, so that you can talk through these issues without you flipping out or him running away.

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