Post # 16
Sometimes people are too quick to recommend counselling, but I think you definitely you need some sort of counselling or 3rd opinion to make your husband see sense. (I don’t think that person should be his mother, but for a different reason: there’s a chance his mother will side with him. Obviously it depends what his mother is like.)
I can’t wrap my head around anyone going out and spending 1 1/2 hours cleaning a freaking car when there is a baby to care for. You husband has a serious attitude problem.
As I understand it, you are working too? Well if he doesn’t pull his weight and counselling doesn’t work or isn’t an option, then I suggest you start “going on strike”. Let him fix his own meals and wash his own clothes if he doesn’t already.
Post # 17
Yeah don’t talk to his mom. What if his mom is one of those who thinks that taking care of babies is women’s work and it’s beneath the male dignity of her precious son to handle dirty diapers? Men often mimic their own home dynamics growing up. For all you know his dad made his mom do all the work too.
I’m also curious to know how your husband was when you were pregnant and how he reacted when you told him you were pregnant. Was this a drastic change in how he’s behaving or was he just one of those unfit fathers who refuse to stand up all along?
You can work on the former. You NEED to dump the latter. If nothing else, you cannot let your daughter see how he’s treating you and develop tons of daddy issues and think it’s OK to let men treat her that way too.
Post # 18
I think it depends on the relationship with the mom. This issue really has a lot to do with expectations with come from childhood. His mom/family is frankly the best to tell her what family norms are. If the hubs is expecting her to do everything she needs to know…and make an informed decision about what to do next. I feel like I can totally ask my Mother-In-Law what life was like when she was raising hubs. Was Father-In-Law involved? Was he even in the picture? What male role models if any does hubs have? I’ve asked my mil about her wedding, i have asked about family norms and it waseems not weird at all. Sometimes albums get cracked out and she is usually thankful ive asked her opinion on stuff. How else am I supposed to know what their family does? There family is totally different than mine, and that is expected.
If hubs came from a male breadwinner/female at home dynamic it could be hard to break that cycle wo outside help. If hubs didn’t grow up with that, then this issue may be more about being tired, and both sides saying the other is doing less. OP sounds resentful and the hubs sounds resentful. For me, a chore chart helps cuz I can remember to thank hubs for what he does (gratitude helps w me not resenting him and it reminds me of all the stuff he does that I really don’t want to do, and it keeps him accountable). Date night will also help connect as a couple (or just sleep). I know a few women who has had Mother-In-Law stay over and keep an eye on the baby so parents can get some sleep (yes, some women have all the luck). You are right, relatonship problems belong to the couple…no one else, but OP needs help. And friends and family usually want to spend time with a cute baby, so it’s more of a reminder that help can be around easily.
Post # 19
Firstly, and it has allready been said counseling. There are somethings that make perfect sense when heard by a third party. Secondly, I am so damn sick of the concept of fair. Fair does not exist. You pushed a baby out of a tiny body part and he held your hand… Where is the fair. Lists of how much he does???disturbingly lame. Your husband sounds very young. So maybe he can decide to step up his game. I hope he does. But if were me, I would have one eye on the door. I would start making plans and keeping an eye on financial stuff.
Post # 20
This is a mess. But lots of people struggle with becoming new parents, and I understand that you’re both under a lot of pressure. I think I would tell him that I don’t want to yell and fight, but that the status quo isn’t working for me. Propose that you either make a new plan, return to the original plan – no constant napping – or meet together with a therapist for an hour or two so that you can map out a plan you’re both happy with. Frame it as “we’re a team, fighting each other just makes both of us miserable, so let’s be proactive and solve this together.”
Post # 21
All of this!
OP, so sorry you are going through this, sounds really rough and this would make me so angry!
Post # 22
I’m 23 weeks pregnant and this post terrifies me
Post # 23
I hate to jump on the bandwagon, but I would recommend counseling at this point. He is acting like a spoiled brat. But the tit for tat mentality will never work as far as childcare goes in my experience. You have to be a team, not “well I did X so you have to do Y.” Scheduling time is hard too, because sometimes baby just wants a certain parent regardless of what time it is.
Don’t call his mommy. He’s an adult.
I also don’t think you should have to let your baby cry because your DH can’t deal with a fussy baby for 15 minutes. That’s bullshit IMO. Sorry you’re dealing with this. Do you have any family or friends that could come help you out temporarily?
Post # 24
I have no understanding of what it is to have a baby, BUT what I do know is that once you have a baby in the mix things will change.
I do think your husband is being ridiculous, but I also think a lot of these issues are communication issues, for instance (and I am NOT excusing his behavior) but you said he called you to see what you were doing, sounds innocent enough, then you were in a bad mood bc baby was hurting so you told him so, his response was UGH and then you said/assumed that he was scoffing at the fact that you can’t do anything? Did he actually say that? Or do you feel like you’ve become so resentful of his inaction that you are putting words in his mouth? Im only asking as an outside Perspective.
I totally think he’s being a dick but I also think that maybe some of these issues are just you both attempting to deal with the difficulties and change of having a Baby. I do think you can work this out but he needs an attitude adjustment. I wish you the best Bee, and this too shall pass, hopefully. The baby will get older and it will get easier (from what I have heard).
Post # 25
Oh wow. I just really wanna give you a big hug!!! I’m a stay at home mum and hubby works, but when he comes home he knows it’s daddy and son time no question asks so mummy can get her work done. Being a mum is tough enough as it is, put work on top of that with no help.. I really wanna give you that hug!! But as some pp mentioned, it does take time to adjust with a newborn. How is he with Bub alone in general? I only ask coz one of my friend at the beginning was scared to interact with his then newborn. He was just overly worried about anything that could go wrong so he avoided interactions with Bub if it was just them two. If wife walked out of the room, he would say he needed to head out somewhere or do something. Only when she gave him an ultimatum, he finally confessed that he didn’t feel adequate as a father. He’s an amazing hands on dad now but for some it may take some time and a little push.
Post # 26
I think you should write him a letter of all the things you are both thankful for in your relationship with him as well as some kinks that need to be worked out. You both feel underappreciated and while his attitude is completely uncalled for, it does express that he is feeling overwhelmed too. His response to the extra stress is to shut down, whereas you don’t have that luxury once he does, so this way a letter he can read when he is ready, but it can also not be misinterpreted.
Baby needs time with both parents as well as you both need time for youselves and to actually be together as well. Is there any other family you have nearby or friends that may be willing to help you out by taking baby for a couple hours, even once a week will probably make a difference.
Also sending you lots of virtual love and hugs since this has been such a difficult time for you
Post # 27
He seems so standoffish I’m not sure I can give you any advice, other than was he like this before the child? I would leave his ass so fast tho.
Post # 28
What in the hell is wrong with some of these men. OP, you dont have a DH. You have two kids that youre taking care of. He wouldn’t be able to do half the stuff you listed if you didn’t let him. Like storming upstairs to sulk. Easy fix: bring baby up to him. Say you are going out. Leave the premesis. Do this a few times and hopefully it will at least show him what a jackass he’s being.
It sounds like he resents the baby so I 100% think counseling is in order. But at the same time, I think you are enabling him by picking up the slack. Stop doing everything so he can see how much YOU do and how much he’s NOT doing. Quit taking his shit.
And whoever said talking to his mother was in any way, shape, or form a good idea…
Post # 29
Is it possible that he is doing more around the house in “exchange”? Our son is 3 months old, and I have felt like my husband wasn’t helping enough…but when I brought it up, he pointed out he’s literally done everything around the house so I could focus only on baby….and when I thought about it I realized he was right. He was helping…just not in the way I had in mind.
Having a baby is an adjustment, and I know for us it was way more time consuming than we realized it would be. His listing everything sounds like he’s overwhelmed. I’m not at all saying that you aren’t too! But maybe you need to figure out a time you each get a break: like Tuesday nights are his night off and Thursdays yours.
I think you need to sit down at a time when baby is asleep and calmly talk about it. Try not to jump on one another, as that accomplishes nothing. Believe me, I know it’s tough: we’re figuring it out too.
Post # 30
Sorry OP whilst I do think he is being a dick I also think that there are some serious communcation and interpretation problems going on here.
The fact that he feels like he needs to list off everything he does could be in response to you (from your op) listing of everything you think you both have to get through that day. He may be feeling like the baby has stolen his wife and everything is baby centric. I agree with pp that noted about the regimented swapping of baby. Why can’t you do things together rather than ordering you must do this while I mind the baby and then I must do this while you mind the baby. Both of you can fold laundry whilst baby is in a bouncer/swing/whatever.
The biggest complaint that I have heard from new fathers is that they basically feel neglected (and I am not downplaying everything that mothers do and the inbalance in child rearing between mother and father still in place today. Women on average still do more than men) and that everything is about the baby or work. You both could probably use some couple time.
Also are you both working fulltime? Are your hours comparable? It could be (if you work parttime/less hours) that he feels he does more outside of the home so he shouldn’t have to do more at home. Not saying that is right but it is what a lot of men think.