(Closed) Husband at his breaking point, I don't seem to know how to make up with him…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
2409 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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Firework: Oh man. Ok. Well, each person is responsible for his or her own feelings. Trying to get someone to feel a certain way can be seen as emotionally manipulative. Let him have his feelings. Give him space. He will calm down over time and you can discuss the situation in a more healthy space. When you don’t recognize and respect his feelings, that can be interpreted as invalidating those feelings and I can see how he thinks that’s a burden. 

Financial stress sucks. Hopefully you two will figure something out. 

I’m sorry he and your family do not get along. Can you respect that he and your family have a contentious past? And there is still tension? Maybe the two parties (not you) need to work it out. And maybe there is no reconciliation. That is ok too. Sucks, but I can understand his point of view. 

I have a contentious relationship with my FI’s family. If he tried to get me to maintain a relationship with them even though they are untrustworthy and not worth my time, I would think he’s choosing them over me. And if he tried to get them to treat me better, I wouldn’t like it at all. It’s inauthentic. His family needs to treat me well because they want to, not because he can force them to. 

Because frankly, we have free will. We can do what we want. No one can control or own someone else. We have agreements and boundaries, sure, but that is different from control. It’s probably not your intention, but you come across as very controlling — trying to control your husband and family’s relationship to each other and trying to control his emotions. 

You can try making up by acknowledging his feelings and taking it from there. 

Post # 3
5 posts

my h2b and I argue over silly things like this sometimes too. Rarely over big things. It’ll be a misunderstanding over what someone said or I’ll think he sounded grumpy when he said something or viva versa. And unfortunately we’re both great a sulking and insisting on having the last word. He also generally refuses to admit he may have go contributed to the argument in some way (i reckon this is cos he’s a solicitor so trained to alwaus try and blame the other side…) on the other hand, I find it hard to let an argument go until we’ve both apologised. And like you, normally these arguments happen when someone’s under stress.

Generally, I find the quickest way to diffuse the argument is to try very hard not to sulk/insist on the last word, and just say something like “you made me feel — when you said — because — but I realise you didn’t mean to and I’m sorry that I — ( insert whstever you did, rarely an argument is 100% one persons fault). Ask for a makeup hug. Then leave him be. He might apologise too, or he might be a lite sulky, but that’s his problem not yours. if he doesn’t get a reaction from sulking, he’s far less likEly to do it in the future. just act calm and normal after you’ve apologisedask if he wants to chose what’s you watch together on tv, or ask for his opinion on something to do with what you’re workin on, just up make it clear you’re ready to move on from the argument. 


Hope this helps!

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by SallyCinnamon. Reason: Typo
Post # 4
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If he is ok with some communication via email or text, I suggest that you make a time to sit down together, before a fight can start, to talk about HOW you want to fight and how you want to makeup. Create some rules for yourselves. In fact, I would even send an email something like: 

“My darling husband, I feel that our communication lately has not been at its best and I feel that this is leading to many disagreements/arguments. I would like for us to sit down on Tues/Wed/Sat ect night to talk about how we have been feeling but also about how we would each like to deal with miscommunication and disagrements in the future, I would specifically like to know how you prefer to make up after a fight. If you could please write down some things you’d like to talk about (and I will do the same), this will hopefully keep us on track and keep the conversation practical and less emotional. Love, wife”

Then write down questions to ask (how would he like you to make up when it’s a stupid fight, does he think that someone ALWAYS needs to apologise or can some things just be let go?), rules you’d like to implement (like not bringing up family if the fight is not about family. Not bringing up past fights unless it is really, really relevant) and what the protocol is when a rule is broken (because it will happen, we are human), so perhaps you walk away if a rule is broken, or raise your hand or….something not annoying to you that you can agree on. 

If you can talk about all of this when not arguing then hopefully you’ll have some clear(ish) cut rules to follow so that you both know how the other wants to deal with situations like this.

Financial stress is almost the biggest stress that can be put on a marriage, hang in there and you’ll be a stronger couple once you pull out on the other side.

Good luck!

Post # 5
7111 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree with 

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Everdeen:  that you two need to learn how to fight and makeup. He clearly sounds like the kind of person who needs some space to cool down after a fight, so don’t try to force him to get over it more quicklythat he’s ready. And, since tou know he’s super stressed at work, just try to let things go. Does it really matter who’s “fault” it is? Give him a break and just let it go without getting into what you think he did wrong.

I tried an exersize a while back that I think might be helpful. I tried to go a week without critisizing my husband unless it was really important. So no nagging about dishes/closing cabinets. No hard times about running a traffic light too close. I didn’t vsay anything negative unless there was real danger to one of us or our relationship. It was really hard but very eye opening. Most of the little stuff I was ragging him about, just wasn’t important or necessary. And after that week I found myself being less critical and more supportive. Give it a try for a week.

Post # 6
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

You’ve been given some really great advice here already. What works for us is space, if he’s in a crappy mood the last thing he wants is me fawning all over him or being extra cheerful. He also hates to be mothered (do you need a drink? are you feeling okay? did you do this/that.. etc) because he’s a grown man and can do it himself. I learned that quick in the beginning, he gets over stuff faster if he was a chance to brood and be all pissed off by himself. I can be in the room doing whatever I’m doing as long as it doesn’t involve him. If you have a legit question like “I’m thinking tacos for dinner, is that cool?” totally fine but beyond that leave him alone.

Post # 7
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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Firework:  I agree with PPs, he is stressed and irritable and taking it out on you by starting fights. You have to let him have his emotions and not try to baby him and make him feel better after a fight. If you actually did something wrong or even just a little bit wrong, apologise, it’s better to be wrong and happy than right and unhappy. Now, if he really is laying into you over nothing, he really needs to learn to better handle his stress. Being mean and shutting out your spouse everytime your a little stressed is not a healthy way to deal with it. I dated a guy who was very much like this, he would flip his shit on me for little things, he yelled at me for 30 mins once because I forgot a chipotle coupon at my house, then when I went and got it, he said he didn’t even want chipotle and to go back home. And this was without me even fighting back. Perhaps your husband needs a stress management technique, I know your financial situation might make it difficult for him to see a therapist, but maybe he could try medidation or something like that to calm down at the end of the day. 

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