- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
My husband is really stressed out and we’re fighting a lot. I also feel he misunderstands my efforts at smoothing things over/making up. Lately, I will feel he’s stretching something to create a fight, he will think that I did or said something (usually “complaining”) which caused the fight, and then it will escalate (the argument). I will try to defend why I didn’t start it/I think he’s overreacting/being unreasonable and he will strongly disagree. Because of the things mentioned below, I feel he is not his usual calm self. He used to always let a lot of things go, not fight about everything but he is really on edge and I think at his breaking point. After these sort of fights (misunderstanding/small things- I’m not talking about the big important fights) I will not want it to ruin my whole evening because I will have just ended one job and I come home eat dinner watch a little tv/ spend some time with him and then work at my second job from home so I don’t want to drama, I just want to be happy and I basically recognize that even if I think he started it and he thinks I started it, that the argument is usually a misunderstanding of some sort. So a few minutes later I will try to get him to be happy/move on.
He considers this to be a burden. For example, he will say if you want to be happy, be happy but don’t impose it on me. I’ll be happy when I feel like it. You ask for too much all the time. I think that when I’m trying to get him to be happy after a stupid fight, it’s my way of making up. I think he thinks the only way to make up is apologizing/admitting fault. He doesn’t need me to apologize all the time but he hates that I try to I guess “force” him to be happy??
I might be wrong but I have no clue how to make up when I don’t want to apologize….I feel like to move on from the silly fight I have to try to forget it/be happy but if he is next to me angry/upset then I can’t just ignore him and be happy on my own… If I recognize it was a silly fight but say nothing to him and just move on internally, I feel it will be only when I’ve hardened myself and don’t care how he feels… – Is there a better way I can try to make up???
There’s a lot of background but I’ll mention some major things.
1) we have a high amount of financial stress
(detail: I’m currently underemployed and we are under financial strain. My husband quit his high paying job because it was our plan that he would do so and instead own his own business (which is his life goal/would actually make him happy). It was our understanding that I would support us financially while he pursued his dream but a week before he was to quit his job we found out that my career would take a nosedive, at least in terms of how much I can earn and it would be highly unlikely for me to make more than 60% of what I was making. Still we decided to go ahead with the plan. This was 1.5 years ago. I have since graduated but do not have a stable job yet. I also bring a TON of school debt into the marriage. But my husband does not seem to hold any of this against me, he knows I’m working hard and only gets upset if he thinks I’m slacking in my job search etc occasionally.)
2) my family has mistreated him in the past and he has a lot of animosity towards them (nowadays during a fight he will bring them up/say that the stress they cause him is sort of part of “how I drain him”) but to be honest, they do not treat him well all the time and I do encourage him to keep relations with them despite it , I also try to get them to treat him better/better understand him though.
sometimes they make up , then some misunderstandings happen. they come from really different backgrounds and really do not understand one another. For example my parents will say things they don’t mean but my husband is very “man of his word” and finds their lax attitude about staying true to their word troubling and he finds it hard to trust them. They also like to keep in touch A LOT – messages, email calls etc and have a well settled life, have worked hard all their life and don’t have much family near them so most of their time off is spent at church/at weddings for their friend’s children. My husband finds their way of life annoying, or I don’t know the right word – he doesn’t understand/value it. He’s very driven and I think he thinks of their way of life as foolish… On the other hand, his family run a business so they do not have as much time off as my parents and tend to have a very different lifestyle, they also understand my husband really well and don’t talk to him a lot (unless in person) for example they may not speak to him for days or only call and say hi are you ok? and will understand he’s busy whereas my parents don’t understand him as well.
3) my husband spent a lot of time and effort planning our wedding and took a significant time away from his business to do it since I did not have the time because of my school/career
Now he is at a crucial make or break part of the business and is extremely stressed about money, making it work, and the fact that I haven’t gotten the employment I should have by now is adding stress. Again, he doesn’t blame me but he still realzes that the situation needs a solution.
I guess the background is just explaining why he might be less than reasonable right now..