(Closed) Husband Believes Me a Gold Digger and Wants Divorce (long story)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1735 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

This man is completely toxic. He wants to control, shame, and belittle you into giving up most of your financial freedom. He is controlling you by controlling your finances. This is not how a marriage should be. A mass text to family and friends that he’s going to divorce you? Are you serious? I would have been gone that very day. Get the divorce. Seriously. Get the hell away from this man. This isn’t love. Love is respect, understanding, and compromise. This is manipulation and emotional abuse and you deserve worlds better than what he’s giving you.

Post # 4
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

The divorce is a Godsend. Document EVERYTHING you’ve told us here, get a good lawyer and get out of this abusive nightmare.

 

Post # 5
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I have to agree with the previous posters.  I’m so sorry you are going through this, but from what you’ve told us, a divorce from this guy seems like the best possible scenario for you. 

Post # 6
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

…And why do you want to be with him again?

Post # 7
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

My heart was breaking for you as I read this.

This man is abusing you. And he does not love you, no matter what he says to the contrary.

A man who loves his wife treats her with respect, would protect her from humiliation, not be the cause of it, and would never be so selfish with his income. Love does not keep a score card of who owes what to whom.

I cannot even fathom being in this kind of situation. My mother stopped working when my brother was born, and my father supported all four of us on his own. He doesn’t keep track of how much we individually ‘owe’ him. He saw it as his responsibility to take care of us, my mom included. I think it’s reasonable for him to expect that the two of you share bills, etc, whil you’re working, but this has gone too far.

I think it’s admirable that you are going to therapy together. I think both of you should go separately, in addition to couples therapy. I am almost always in favor of trying to save a marriage.

But you need to take control of your finances in the meantime. If your husband is unresponsive to therapy or becomes unwilling to go, you need to have money so that you are not trapped in a dangerous situation. You need to have money of your own so that if something happens, you can take care of yourself.

Set up a separate bank account that he no longer has access to. Start setting aside a portion of your paycheck into it. If the two of your are able to heal your marriage, you can always divert the funds back into a joint account later. If not, you need that money.

Post # 8
Member
4062 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I do agree with PP that this is toxic and you need to get out. This is not ok.

BUT – one thing you said really bothered me: I am excellent with math and numbers but feel too restricted on this budget and  so it is all too easy to just put it out of my mind and buy whatever I think I  want or need.

This is evident of a problem with you. You can’t stick to a budget. You got yourself is financial trouble before and you are headed there again. You have a set amount of money to spend and blantantly disregard it because you feel you “deserve” more. If you don’t have the money, don’t spend it – on anything.

You husband has NO right to treat you this way, but you also don’t seem to really grasp the concept of managing money either.

Post # 9
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

You racked up in an extra $8,000 of debt in one year? I kinda don’t blame him for telling you to shape up financially.  You (independently) should set up an appointment to a financial counselor and have him/her walk through your finances and make a budget for you (and you need to stick to it!)

That being said, it sounds like he has real anger/emotional issues. And he said he no longer loves you?! I think that’s your cue to get out. Why do you want to stay with him? Please seek counselling and try to be brave enough to start over on your own!

Post # 10
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think you’re both in the wrong, but only one of you seems committed to making it better.

If he’s not willing to try, then you need to end it. You can’t have a marriage with only one person putting effort in.

Post # 12
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with HeyKaraoke.

There is a book (that was also turned into a movie) called Joy Luck Club. There’s a couple in there that’s very much like the two of you where the husband controlled his wife with money and everything was broken down into equality and fairness, even though he was the partner in the firm and she was an associate. She ends up leaving him because it’s not always about financial equality and marking down what’s his, her and theirs.

Anyway, that’s not how a marriage is supposed to be. You cannot go through life and your marriage with one big speadsheet calculating how much you owe each other. In a marriage, you two are a team and you do not owe each other anything. It’s a pity you have credit issues coming into this relationship. However, what’s done is done and he should supporting you in fixing this problem.

I don’t think he is going to change. He has been like this for years. He doesn’t even seem to want to change and this is evidenced by the failure you’ve had in therapy. The way he gave you an ultimatum in front of your family and friends is humiliating and uncalled for. Really, he is causing emotional and verbal abuse and I cannot advocate trying to work this out further.

I think it’s fair to want a spouse that will take care of you in the future. I also think this is a two way street. When you got married, you vowed to be there through the good and the bad. So he should support you and vice versa. I don’t think that makes you a gold digger. If you were a real gold digger, you could easily find another man that makes more and would be happily and willingly spending the money on you. If you were a gold digger, this is way more work than it’s worth.

Post # 13
Member
2418 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@village_skeptic:  +1

This sounds like the best thing that could happen to you! He sounds like a wackjob, no offense.

Post # 15
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

SO.MANY.THINGS.IN.THIS.POST makes me want to SCREAM…FOR YOU!!!

First, CONGRATS on learning from your mistakes with your ex, taking the punishment, and then working from there to get yourself ‘debt-free’ and re-building your credit.  NOT AN EASY FEAT!!

Second, I believe your love is blinding you from the reality of which I read to be this:  YOUR HUSBAND IS AN ARROGANT, CONTROLLING, ASSHOLE.  Too much?!  I am sorry if that offends you.

Ok, perhaps you overspent on your allowance, which as a contributing adult in your marriage, an ‘allowance’ is bs anyway.  Budgets are great, allowances…no way.  Ok, back to my point once more, you overspent…however, that does NOT nor ever should warrant a mass text to anyone.  It does NOT nor ever should warrant you having to discuss finances or your spending habits to his family, or yours.  It does NOT mean you get to spend less because you put your marriage in financial ruin. 

Furthemore, he married you knowing your financial background.  It was cause for a break-up, and a prenup thereafter…fine, whatever.  He knew when he took those vows that you would not have credit to produce such things for a mortgage or car.  Unless you held a gun to his head, he CHOSE to sign those things for YOU.  That now nor never gives him power to ‘dangle’ them over you, as if you are some child. 

I believe finances, in a lot of marriages, can or will cause trouble.  It is about re-working the issues, rather than placing blame.  You want money to spend on YOU without having to put an entry into a spreadsheet or beg him?!  FINE.  Then, each of you should be entitled to 1/4 of every paycheck, and the rest goes into a joint savings.  So whomever makes more, puts in more, but then gets more to spend on ‘fluff’.

Honey, you are not a golddigger, or so it seems to me.  You are a WOMAN whom may enjoy a nice trip to the salon, or a new outfit, provided you can afford it and budget it.  Sometimes, yes, we feel entitled to luxuries, but you know what?!  IF I am paying my bills, and doing my part, and working the hours I do, then once and while I am going to spoil myself. 

Anyone that tells me differently can kiss my *ss, which is what I would be telling him as I am walking out the door with my bags packed.  

I am so sorry you are put in this position.  GOOD LUCK!

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