(Closed) Husband Believes Me a Gold Digger and Wants Divorce (long story)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I have the same story as you, as in, I supported a boyfriend beyond my means. Looking back, it was stupid. My credit was shot and I was in a lot of debt. Past is the past though and all I can do is move on.

Husband has never treated me horribly about it and has only wanted me to better my situation for me.

Sorry, I know you love him…but he is an a*hole and you are better off finding somebody who will return your love.

Post # 18
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Just wow. There are so many things wrong with everything you said I don’t know where to start. 

Oh wait, yes I do. DIVORCE.

 

Post # 19
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Uhm, this man is a controlling, manipulative, asswipe!  To me, it appears that you have more than contributed to the household bills and still earned enough to treat yourself to things you wanted.  Leave this man.  He sounds like a ticking time bomb!

Post # 20
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I am so sorry because I’m going though some tough times right now but it does not include money issues. I was always told to never let money come in between your relationship (even though I know sometimes its just impossible). I say do what you think is the right thing for YOU because your the one who is going to have to live with whatever decision you make.

Post # 23
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Many PP have said things I have thought while reading your post.

It sounds like you are doing more than your fair share and he’s bludgeoning you with cries of “credit rating.”  If you were a gold digger, wouldn’t you be getting more out of this?

I think my only remaining question is where is his income going? You mentioned child support, but based on the rough numbers you’ve provided that doesn’t look like it’s taking more than 15% of his income away.  Is he buying things on himself frequently like the new truck?  Is he stashing away money into an account that you don’t have access to?  How much debt did he bring into this thing?  Because it sounds like there’s a good amount of debt that he racked up and is blaming you for.  I’m assuming there’s house, car, and credit card debt that he brought into this marriage too.

If he won’t commit to a financial plan where both of you make sacrifices, which may mean selling the house or the new truck to get the debts on the path to being paid off, then run.  Get out.  Open a new checking account and put your paycheck in it and get out.  He has assets (house, car) that can be seized to reconcile a portion of the debts owed and he’ll be the only one missing them.

Also… if you’ve been filing jointly on taxes since you’ve been married, but you’ve never actually seen the form, tell your divorce lawyer, because that’s fraud and can be used as major leverage in divorce proceedings by threatening to tell the IRS if he’s forged your signature.  If he is hiding money (or you suspect he is), then your lawyer should probably consider a forensic accountant to find what he’s acquired and hidden from you during your marriage.

Post # 25
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

GET. OUT. Seriously. He doesn’t see you as a human being. He sees you as a number. You are married, therefore your finances are combined. You could make 0 and he could make $500,00.  That’s a part of marriage. If he can contribute more to debt and bills, then he needs to do that and not burden you and make you feel bad while doing so. He argreed to a marriage and with that agreed to take on your debt as well, same as my fiance will do when he marries me (2 university degrees which I plan on paying myself, but he understands it will also be seen as HIS debt once we are married). It’s not just about being in love and inviting people to watch you say it out loud, it’s about signing that paper which legally binds you and your debt/money (unless a prenup states otherwise).

Post # 26
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@sadgerberbride:  He is abusing you. Not physically, but mentally-and that isn’t fair. You won’t be happy and historically, this seems to be a problem that has come up since the very begining so it won’t be the last. You aren’t failing! Don’t look at it that way. Everyone feels like they have failed if they opt for divorce (it’s hard to face friends, family, yourself!) but trust me, based on what you’ve told us it’s a better option than staying with him and trying to make it work. He is far too controlling.

Post # 27
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee

Honestly, I would be pissed too if you racked up 8k in debt in one year. Especially after you had already ruined your credit. It seems like you didn’t learn anything the first time round.

BUT, he is completely out of line in his treatment of you. I would still divorce him. 

If I were a future SO of you, and I had the whole story of these two ruinous relationships, I would be VERY wary of sharing finances with you because you don’t seem to know how to manage your finances (unless you are in dire straits) and don’t seem to care about budgets. 

So, I’m not defending him/his actions, but yes. I do think you have a character flaw and it doesn’t seem like one he can live with. (on the flip side, his character flaw is being a total ass, and I encourage you not to live with that)

ETA: I would also think long and hard about things you “think you need”. I have been cutting my husband’s hair and haven’t had mine cut in 13 months….Think about what you are spending that $ on and ask yourself how long you can go without. Maybe try, if you get divorced, to live on half your salary for a few years while you rebuild your credit and save for a retirement and your own house. Then you won’t need a man or his income!

Post # 29
Member
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m just going to be honest, you do seem extremely irresponsible with money.

“I am excellent with math and numbers but feel too restricted on this budget and so it is all too easy to just put it out of my mind and buy whatever I think I want or need. So I do this, and it is over the set limit, and results in his line of credit debt going from $10K to $18K in a year (2012).”

You put your husband another 8,000 in debt because you felt “too restricted”?  I think your husband has every right to be angry about that.  HOWEVER, that does not mean it is ok for him to yell at you, humiliate you, belittle you, etc.  I think the best answer for your marriage is to either completely seperate your finances and split the bills down the middle regardless of income.  If you want a new car you should buy it on your own credit and your own merrit.  The same thing goes for your husband if he wants a new truck.  The other option is for your husband to completely control your budget.  With your repeated mistakes, I understand why he would wouldnt want to give you unrestricted access to a joint account.  I think you should both go to a financial counselor and try to get the problems worked out.

 

I wish you the best of luck

 

Post # 31
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Wow, he’s an abusive douchebag. Proceed with a divorce. You will feel much better when you don’t have Mr. Controlling Freak hovering over your every move.

I had an ex who called me a gold-digger when he broke up with me… he was unemployed. If I was a gold-digger in that relationship, I was pretty shitty at it. Sounds like you’re in the same situation, if you were really a gold-digger you’d probably aim a lot higher than this guy!

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