Post # 17
I have the same story as you, as in, I supported a boyfriend beyond my means. Looking back, it was stupid. My credit was shot and I was in a lot of debt. Past is the past though and all I can do is move on.
Husband has never treated me horribly about it and has only wanted me to better my situation for me.
Sorry, I know you love him…but he is an a*hole and you are better off finding somebody who will return your love.
Post # 18
Just wow. There are so many things wrong with everything you said I don’t know where to start.
Oh wait, yes I do. DIVORCE.
Post # 19
Uhm, this man is a controlling, manipulative, asswipe! To me, it appears that you have more than contributed to the household bills and still earned enough to treat yourself to things you wanted. Leave this man. He sounds like a ticking time bomb!
Post # 20
I am so sorry because I’m going though some tough times right now but it does not include money issues. I was always told to never let money come in between your relationship (even though I know sometimes its just impossible). I say do what you think is the right thing for YOU because your the one who is going to have to live with whatever decision you make.
Post # 21
yes, that attitude is what got me into this trouble. And that is exactly what I have changed. Do I need to get a better grip on finances? You bet I do. And I am and I wido continue. I never want to repeat this life lesson again.
Post # 22
Thanks for that. It’s good to know I’m not the only one to ‘invest’ in someone unwisely! 😉 I wish you a speedy credit recovery and I’m glad your husband is supportive and sensitive about it.
Post # 23
Many PP have said things I have thought while reading your post.
It sounds like you are doing more than your fair share and he’s bludgeoning you with cries of “credit rating.” If you were a gold digger, wouldn’t you be getting more out of this?
I think my only remaining question is where is his income going? You mentioned child support, but based on the rough numbers you’ve provided that doesn’t look like it’s taking more than 15% of his income away. Is he buying things on himself frequently like the new truck? Is he stashing away money into an account that you don’t have access to? How much debt did he bring into this thing? Because it sounds like there’s a good amount of debt that he racked up and is blaming you for. I’m assuming there’s house, car, and credit card debt that he brought into this marriage too.
If he won’t commit to a financial plan where both of you make sacrifices, which may mean selling the house or the new truck to get the debts on the path to being paid off, then run. Get out. Open a new checking account and put your paycheck in it and get out. He has assets (house, car) that can be seized to reconcile a portion of the debts owed and he’ll be the only one missing them.
Also… if you’ve been filing jointly on taxes since you’ve been married, but you’ve never actually seen the form, tell your divorce lawyer, because that’s fraud and can be used as major leverage in divorce proceedings by threatening to tell the IRS if he’s forged your signature. If he is hiding money (or you suspect he is), then your lawyer should probably consider a forensic accountant to find what he’s acquired and hidden from you during your marriage.
Post # 24
To all you who say divorce is the only option here – I gotta say it is really resonating with me – my inner voice is also saying that is the only way. BUT!~! I just hate to have to admit that I failed my marriage so soon into it. And heaven help me, I still love the man. All the things I mentioned above – yes, they are flags, and the honest truth is, even during loving times they lurk just below the surface and it only takes one wrong response from me to bring the beast…
Takes courage either way. To stay or to go. But I am starting to believe that the self respecting thing to do, is to go.
Post # 25
GET. OUT. Seriously. He doesn’t see you as a human being. He sees you as a number. You are married, therefore your finances are combined. You could make 0 and he could make $500,00. That’s a part of marriage. If he can contribute more to debt and bills, then he needs to do that and not burden you and make you feel bad while doing so. He argreed to a marriage and with that agreed to take on your debt as well, same as my fiance will do when he marries me (2 university degrees which I plan on paying myself, but he understands it will also be seen as HIS debt once we are married). It’s not just about being in love and inviting people to watch you say it out loud, it’s about signing that paper which legally binds you and your debt/money (unless a prenup states otherwise).
Post # 26
He is abusing you. Not physically, but mentally-and that isn’t fair. You won’t be happy and historically, this seems to be a problem that has come up since the very begining so it won’t be the last. You aren’t failing! Don’t look at it that way. Everyone feels like they have failed if they opt for divorce (it’s hard to face friends, family, yourself!) but trust me, based on what you’ve told us it’s a better option than staying with him and trying to make it work. He is far too controlling.
Post # 27
Honestly, I would be pissed too if you racked up 8k in debt in one year. Especially after you had already ruined your credit. It seems like you didn’t learn anything the first time round.
BUT, he is completely out of line in his treatment of you. I would still divorce him.
If I were a future SO of you, and I had the whole story of these two ruinous relationships, I would be VERY wary of sharing finances with you because you don’t seem to know how to manage your finances (unless you are in dire straits) and don’t seem to care about budgets.
So, I’m not defending him/his actions, but yes. I do think you have a character flaw and it doesn’t seem like one he can live with. (on the flip side, his character flaw is being a total ass, and I encourage you not to live with that)
ETA: I would also think long and hard about things you “think you need”. I have been cutting my husband’s hair and haven’t had mine cut in 13 months….Think about what you are spending that $ on and ask yourself how long you can go without. Maybe try, if you get divorced, to live on half your salary for a few years while you rebuild your credit and save for a retirement and your own house. Then you won’t need a man or his income!
Post # 28
That’s definitely been brought up to me before, the hiding money. But although it seems as though there should be plenty of money for everyone’s needs, when the budget is done, it’s all legit and seems to just cost a lot to live. Small purchases really add up. And yes, I am guilty in that I spent little bits here and there on just…crapola. I was an impulsive bargain hunter and it added up. I HAVE seen the light and changed that pattern now. The debt is not all that huge – neither of us brought any debt of significance to the marriage, and we have a plan that will work and have everything cleared away within the year. We ran into debt for the wedding, honeymoon and a subsequent vacation, and spent together on a few electronic toys. But there’s no credit card debt for either of us, just a low interest line of credit. I do know about the tax filing thing and his accountant had advised us not to file jointly because we both earn a big enough income there would be no advantage to it. He has the big problem because he spent the past two years ‘cutting back’ and not spending money on clothes, jewelry, etc for himself and I did not cut back along with him. Sure I did cut back for a few months here and there but then went back to overspending. So in his mind I spent what should have been rightfully his to spend. And that is what he cannot forgive.
Post # 29
I’m just going to be honest, you do seem extremely irresponsible with money.
“I am excellent with math and numbers but feel too restricted on this budget and so it is all too easy to just put it out of my mind and buy whatever I think I want or need. So I do this, and it is over the set limit, and results in his line of credit debt going from $10K to $18K in a year (2012).”
You put your husband another 8,000 in debt because you felt “too restricted”? I think your husband has every right to be angry about that. HOWEVER, that does not mean it is ok for him to yell at you, humiliate you, belittle you, etc. I think the best answer for your marriage is to either completely seperate your finances and split the bills down the middle regardless of income. If you want a new car you should buy it on your own credit and your own merrit. The same thing goes for your husband if he wants a new truck. The other option is for your husband to completely control your budget. With your repeated mistakes, I understand why he would wouldnt want to give you unrestricted access to a joint account. I think you should both go to a financial counselor and try to get the problems worked out.
I wish you the best of luck
Post # 30
Yes. You’re right. I have been cavalier about finances and budgets in the past. and it has got me into trouble. I am grateful that my husband has saved me from potentially making the same mistake twice. However I am 100% committed to reversing my flaws and NEVER NEVER NEVER being faced with this lesson again. You said it exactly as he did, in fact. I have a character flaw which he does not want to live with. And that is so very hard to admit and commit to turnaround rather than despair and self loathing. Isn’t it healthier to take control and show one’s judgers that one CAN and IS making a change?
Post # 31
Wow, he’s an abusive douchebag. Proceed with a divorce. You will feel much better when you don’t have Mr. Controlling Freak hovering over your every move.
I had an ex who called me a gold-digger when he broke up with me… he was unemployed. If I was a gold-digger in that relationship, I was pretty shitty at it. Sounds like you’re in the same situation, if you were really a gold-digger you’d probably aim a lot higher than this guy!