Post # 1
Going on my anon account for this one, but im at my wits end. My husband cant handle our fussy energized 9 month old and is constantly yelling at me for it. And i cant take it anymore! i went out this morning to make a black friday purchase (one item) and left L.O home with D.H. cause he said he didnt mind. Well i come back an hour later and D.H. is in an all out rage because L.O. has been wild, and fussy and crying and wanting attention. (Insert eye roll here) but i go ahead and try and help d.h. finish getting baby into a new diaper and clothes, cause i can tell he’s at his wits end. And what does he do, he shoves me out of the way! I could have gone APE SH** on him right then and there, but i decided just to walk away and shut the door.
D.H. constantly groans and complains about how exhausting our L.O. is and how much more he does, and how much more he puts up with. Every convo turns into a pissing match of who does more parenting… And i am 100% OVER IT! I can understand when he wants to just vent i just sit there and let him, but the constant venting about how he thinks he does more then i ever do, really grinds my gears.
ive told him in the past, he just needs to get over it and get a thicker skin and that this is what babies do, but he constantly throws in my face about how i must not care enough about his problems..
over time it has come to the point where i do love my husband dearly, but i dont enjoy spending as much time with him, cause i feel like all he does is complain. Part of me would rather take 100% of the work with our kid, because im sick of the fighting and complaining.
i cant be the only new mom who has a grumpy husband, i get people cope with having a child in different ways, but my husbands poor attitude toward parenting is sucking the life out of me.
Post # 2
He *shoved* you? I don’t like that. At all.
He sounds like an ass. Everything seems to be about *him*. How does he interact with the baby when he’s not in rage mode?
Post # 3
sassy411 : this
OP – him shoving you is not okay at all.
Do one of you have a place to go if you need to not be in the same house for a period of time? And is he doing all of this whining and complaining while the baby is there? Do y’all have any experienced support or community you can call on? Any experienced couples (particularly fathers) who can come help out?
This is bigger than just you taking over all baby related things, IMO. This is a situation that sounds like it’s headed toward a toxicity that is hard to come back from.
ETA- High needs babies can be hella frustrating and exhausting. It’s hard to know, though, if your baby is high needs or the canary sounding the alarm and acting out how toxic your home environment is right now. Maybe a bit of both. Your husband sounds like he needs some more effective coping mechanisms.
Post # 4
I mean… the baby is probably fussy and cranky and miserable because the baby can sense dads anger. They can sense the stress and it sounds like your house is full of it
Honestly, I would be very uncomfortable leaving the baby with him knowing that he gets angry and frustrated and now the fact that he actually shoved you
I don’t really have any advice on how to resolve the situation, you can’t fix his problems, he needs to do it himself
But I wanted to send some validation your way
Post # 5
Your husband has a problem and he needs to be an adult and start dealing with it. There is NEVER an excuse for acting out in anger towards an infant or child and he needs to get some help.
Post # 6
All I read was that he shoved you, that’s all that is stuck in my head. He shoved you when you were trying to help him with the baby? He sounds like he can’t control his rage and it’s not *eyeroll* worthy. This is terrifying behavior and if he shoves YOU out of rage think of the irreversible damage he can do to a baby by shaking her, pushing her, anything. Please keep your baby away from him when you’re not there and do not leave him alone with the baby. Very, very scary. Id be seeking help and a way out. DO NOT DEFEND HIM.
Post # 7
I don’t think any of the behavior from your husband is normal or acceptable. He sounds like a terrible father and husband. And now is getting physical during arguments. I would not keep normalizing his behavior, this is beyond “grumpy” He has an anger problem.
I have no advice because you can’t fix him, he has to fix himself.
Post # 8
He shoved you, and all he can do is start pissing matches? OP, your fussy baby is more of an adult than your husband.
Sending hugs your way, this really sucks. I’d be in the beginning stages of looking at alternative solutions, not sitting there and tolerating this behavior. Your LO won’t be out of the dependency stage for a long time yet. I would consider very carefully what kind of environment you’re providing them, as all of this negativity and fighting WILL boil over and affect your child. Even toddlers can absorb the energy around them; they’re acutely aware of it.
Post # 9
Having a baby is an adjustment and some people handle it better than others. His behavior is concerning. There are some good infant mental health programs out there to help with the adjustment . They educate on milestones, provide parent training, and could help him work through his anger and frustration.
Post # 10
I’m curious- is he frustrated with the baby because they’re more difficult than average, or is he frustrated with the baby because hes trying to do other stuff while watching the baby, and cant anymore because they’re at the age where they start to demand more attention?
Post # 11
Maple_07 : I’ve also left for an hour and come back to a husband with steam coming out his ears over the baby, but when I went to help mine with a diaper change he moved over so I could have room beside him to help. He sure as heck didn’t shove me.
You’re right to be angry about that, but as PP say, you should definitely now be worried. I’m assuming he shoved you without thinking, and you have a baby to protect. What’s to stop him from shaking his baby if you’re gone for 3 hours and LO fusses the whole time?
Sit Darling Husband down to tell him he’s crossed a line. He can’t push you. He should see a psychologist to help him cope with the stress he’s feeling. Offer to go with him for couples counseling sessions instead if he’ll go that way. His venting to you is not working if his way to blow off frustration is turning to physical violence. Good luck. In your shoes I would not accept any less than him going to a counsellor if he wants to stay.
Post # 12
Maple_07 : if I was that frustrated I would search for resources in my area for new parents. There have to be some counselors or new parent groups to help you both realize what normal expectations are and help working together on this. Get on top of it, don’t let this fester any longer. Go find some resources to help you work on this.
Post # 13
Was it a hard shove or a light push? Him shoving you (especially) when you’re trying to help is a red flag. I would stop leaving the baby alone with him, which is a bandaid to a bigger problem, but who knows when he may snap. I hate to say this, but he might end up shaking the baby. I’d only agree to stay in this relationship if he agreed to get into counseling for his anger issues, if at all.
Post # 14
I think him shoving you is an entirely different issue on its own that needs serious addressing if that is actually what happened. The bees have covered that enough, so that aside….
Have you considered couple’s counseling? My husband and I went through a REALLY, REALLY rough patch when our son was born up until he was about 3 months old. A baby is a huge adjustment, and I was struggling with Post partum depression on top of it. I constantly felt as though my husband never did as much as I did, he constantly felt as though “work” was easier than being “at home with the baby”. The only thing that saved us was going to counseling together, discussing how we feel, and telling each other WHAT the other person needs to do more for us. We learned to communicate better and it honestly saved our marriage. So I suggest that if it’s something you can afford.
Post # 15
ClaudiaKishi : THIS. i dont think D.H. has coped nearly enough like i have to realizing he’s never gonna get complete silence and/or peace if he’s home alone with the kid.
we do have a playroom with a bunch of toys that L.O. will play with on his own, but its not like he will sit in there for hours occupying himself, usually its short 30 minutes and/or an hour, before he wants attention again.
currently im icing him out the entire day and night, and probably into tomorrow for that matter, he knows he F*** up.