Post # 31
annabananabee : this! I don’t think it’s possible or healthy for parents to hide every negative feeling from their kids, but it should be used as teaching moments. I got SO pissed at my husband the other day that I snapped and yelled at him pretty badly in front of our toddler. He yelled back and we were both clearly very angry. We both took a few minutes to calm down and then came back together to talk about our problem calmly, apologize for our behavior, and hug it out. Yes she saw the fight but more importantly she saw a healthy resolution as well.
Post # 32
This is dangerous, especially to the baby. Your angry, abusive husband needs to move out while he gets intensive therapy to see if he wants to be a parent and is capable of being a parent.
You are seriously under-reacting.
Post # 33
This is so true. We now know that even infants in utero know when their parents are arguing. It can disrupt normal development.
Pre verbal kids are highly intuitive. They have to be. They miss nothing. And when the atmosphere is toxic, they blame themselves; they don’t have a well defined sense of *relationship* at nine months. They just absorb all of the hostility.
Post # 34
How often does abuse *not* escalate? Maybe not tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year, or in five years, or 15 years; I’ll bet the farm on it.
Therapists don’t talk to their clients three years later, or five, or 10. You get the idea.
Post # 35
No on the couples counseling. It can be quite dangerous when there is any form of abuse. Victims are often punished in private for what they reveal in session.
It does not help abusers anyway. They spend all of their time trying to manipulate the therapist and to many licensed therapists are absolutely clueless about abuse.
Post # 36
i appreciate everyones advice. i do strongly agree we need counseling, which is something we have bickered about in the past whether we were both committed to go or not. We did talk it out the other day. Im still not thrilled with him at the moment, but yeah.. but i do want to note my husband doesnt beat me, which i feel some are implying in comments. i would have walked out years ago if he ever actually has hit me. I wont go into a 13 year long history of stuff because that would be a novel.
Post # 37
- Wedding: May 2020 - City, State
Maple_07 : Bee. It doesn’t take “actually hitting” or leaving bruises or any of that.
A thirteen year long history of “stuff” is a novel?
This is concerning to me.
I know nothing about babies, but I’m sorry you’re going through all this.
Post # 38
Anecdotally, I can say it doesn’t escalate much of the time. In 15 years as a psychologist, I’ve only had one patient for whom it escalated. That doesn’t mean that there wasnt harm done to the other individuals who endured emotional abuse. As a therapist, having patients focus on avoiding worst-case scenario doesn’t often help them make change in their situations, because worse case scenario is not as common as just plain already bad scenario. What I have found is when you focus on “it could get worse,” 1) the person discounts what you’re saying if it doesn’t cross that threshold and get worse and 2) they don’t focus on how bad it already is and how dysfunctional it is and needs to be changed.
OP is already in a bad situation. It doesn’t need to be “worse” for her to take action. When you have a person saying, “if he/she does this, I’ll leave” the situation is already bad. I’m reminded of a session I had with my own therapist during my divorce in which I was looking for justification to end my marriage, and I asked her if she thought my ex was abusive. Her response: “does it matter? You’re miserable. Why do you need a label to decide whether it’s bad enough for you to make a choice to be happy?” sassy411 :
Post # 39
He doesn’t need to beat you for it to be bad. He doesn’t need to lay a hand on you for it to be bad. You deserve to be treated like a human being worthy of love and respect. You would’ve walked out a long time ago if he hit you, hmm? Well, it sounds like he hits you emotionally regularly, and you’re still there. “For better or for worse” doesn’t mean he gets to use you as his emotional punching bag. You’re not helping him, and certainly not helping yourself or your child, by putting up with his temper. Thirteen years – do you think he’s going to magically wake up tomorrow and decide to change? Do you want to go another 13 years like this? Get help, for your own sake and that of your child. Maple_07 :
Post # 40
Yes. But, again, the point is that therapy ends at some point. The therapist only knows what the clients report in sessions and uses her clinical judgement as to credibility.
After therapy is terminated, there is rarely any further contact. So how would any therapist realistically know whether there was further abuse?
I think it’s extremely important to call abuse abuse. Words matter. It’s the truth. It has legal implications. The victim needs to understand what has been happening; knowledge is power. To call abusive behavior anything else is to minimize it.
Post # 41
I wouldn’t leave my baby with an adult that resorted to physical altercation when he was angry. It only takes a second of frustration to kill a small child.
“Icing” him out isn’t doing shit but be petty. Have an adult conversation. Therapy and anger management are a must here IMO and I would not compromise on it.
Post # 42
This thread is giving me PTSD to life with my ex husband. He also never hit me but I suffered through 10 years of emotional abuse, lots of ups and downs and dealing with his rage.
He’s a narcissist and when we had a baby who took basically all of my attention he was so angry! He also could hardly handle taking care of him as a baby. When my son was fussy he referred to him as “retard”. When he told me at age 3 that our son had been like a cancer in his life for 3 years I was DONE. I wish I had left sooner but maybe I needed that moment to push me over the line where he couldn’t pull me back no matter how hard he gaslighted, charmed me, begged, promised therapy etc.
I’m sorry but I don’t see this ending well.
Post # 43
Please get help. I grew up with an emotionally abusive parent and it took me longtime to figure out what a healthy male-female relationship could be. Don’t bring your child up in an atmosphere of tension and arguing..
Post # 44
Anger management and abuse are often confused, especially by judges, unfortunately. The *anger management* companies have quite the little racket going for themselves, treating abusers who don’t belong there.
Abuse is not about anger. It’s about power and control. If they go into truly *blind* rages, how is it they manage to rage only behind close doors and aim it with laser precision at their victim(s)? Notice how they know exactly what the victim’s vulnerabilities are and strike right there. Abusers are fully in control of themselves and they know what they’re doing.
A person with a true anger problem pops off everywhere. At the boss, the innocent server, the clerk, the plumber, the guy who took cuts in line, no one gets a pass.
Those are the people who have to be taught alternative ways to handle their anger.
Words really matter.
Post # 45
Please don’t do couples counseling, not now. It’s not safe, as I explained in an earlier post. No competent therapist would agree to see you together.
I am, however, very concerned about you. There’s a very high probability that you have developed some PTSD. I would love it if you could find a trauma recovery therapist.