Husband cheated, I want to separate but he\'s not leaving

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
833 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

Ugh, Bee. This sounds incredibly awful and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. I agree with you that he needs to leave, but if he won’t go willingly, you may need to pursue legal avenues of making him get out of the home. Is he also on the lease? If so, it may be a bit more difficult than simply telling him to get out, unfortunately. I would contact an attorney ASAP to find out what your options are here.

As a side note – I absolutely cannot stand it when cheaters turn things around with the “I didn’t feel loved/appreciated/desired/whatever” and that’s why I cheated. All he is doing is trying to somehow make this YOUR fault that he cheated. Do. Not. Buy. It.

Honestly, as much as it sucks, I think you’re going to love your life a whole lot more without this a-hole in it.

Good luck, Bee.

Post # 3
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

I’ve never been in your position, but I hurt for you. Emotional infidelity is worse than physical IMO, and this jerk has committed BOTH. 

You have to make a decision for YOUR life:

Do you want to stay with him because you two have a child, neglecting all else?

Do you want to stay with him because he got a job/raise/will better provide, neglecting all else? 

Do you want to leave him because he’s a dirtbag, neglecting all else? 

Any of those choices suck, but you need to decide what YOU can live with.

Post # 4
Member
7035 posts
Busy Beekeeper

You should talk to a lawyer anyways (divorce), but definitely if there is new debt involved. Is his name on the lease/rental agreement? If not, you can evict him with 30/60 days notice (depends where you live). If he IS on the lease/rental agreement, you can look at removing yourself and moving out if he wont. really, the best course of action is to go see a lawyer. Like, tonight. 

I also don’t buy anything he says. He’s a proven liar and cheater. He will say whatever he can, but he doesn’t mean shit. His word means nothing after he’s broken it to you so many times. 

Post # 5
Hostess
3935 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

moonlightn :  Stick to your guns, he’s not going to change.  I would consult with a divorce attorney and find out what your rights are.  I’m so sorry you’re going through this bee. 

Post # 6
Member
9636 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would be done.

You probably need to talk to a lawyer regarding the residence. Are both of your names on the lease? Is there anything you can do through your employer to have him removed? 

Post # 7
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

He is a proven cheater. He is also trying to manipulate you into thinking it is your fault, it is not. It is also not your fault that he has no where to go, you have the right to ask him to leave and go elsewhere. As far as the debt goes, he will have to share in the responsibility of it in the event of the divorce. 

I am not one to jump on the bandwagon of separation but you said that trust if lost, that is a key component to a relationship; if he wants to work on fixing the marriage then he needs to do it on your terms to regain lost trust. 

Post # 10
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This is going to sound harsh but how many times are you willing to put up with this bs for the sake of ease and/or for your child?

You forgave him once for both flirting with women online and cheating on you, and he clearly has no intention of stopping. He’s turning this around on you for absolutely no reason (remember that he did this BEFORE life got super hard and you were just dating, so what was his excuse then??) and he WILL continue after this time because he literally downloaded a DATING APP to go out with and flirt with other women.

I don’t know what the rules are about kicking him out but I would definitely be more than done. Is this the type of relationship you want your daughter to grow up witnessing? Don’t stay because he’s making it harder for you to separate. Do whatever needs to be done and move forward without his lying, cheating ass.

Post # 12
Member
1386 posts
Bumble bee

“I was feeling unappreciated, so I cheated, what else could I do?”  What, did his ability to speak to you about it get lost somewhere? 

There is no coming back from this. Zero remorse, zero commitment to changing, and all of this after repeated incidents. Money will not fix your problems. 

Post # 13
Member
6857 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Oh, Bee. If it was the first time I’d suggest counseling because you have a child together. But he’s repeatedly demonstrated that he is not worthy of your trust. Speak with a lawyer and document what you can. His not having anywhere to go is not your problem, he’s a grown man, he made these choices, and he’ll have to figure it out. Hugs. 

Post # 14
Member
2287 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Talk to a lawyer. You cannot make him leave on the spot, even if his name is not on the lease. I would also not recommend leaving the house yourself- doing so could hurt you if he fights you for custody. See a lawyer today and figure out what you need to do to get your ducks in a row. You will want screenshots of all his communications with other women or dating profiles, tax returns, all bank account and retirement benefits information.

 

In all likelihood, if he won’t leave voluntarily, you will have to resign yourself to sharing the residence with him while the divorce gets sorted. If he becomes aggressive to you, document it. Tell your lawyer. If it becomes unsafe living with him, your lawyer will probably give you the all clear to either leave yourself or file an order of protection against him (this is only in cases where you are in danger).

Post # 15
Member
2082 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

moonlightn :  Honestly, I would wait until he was out of the house for something (maybe work?) and have someone change the locks. He has no right to the housing provided by yor employment. I would also start divorce proceedings immediately. 

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