Husband cheated while I'm pregnant.

posted 4 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - California

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@mademoiselle29:  I don’t have any good advice, but for whatever it’s worth, I just wanted to say I am so sorry that you are going through this. You sound like you are dealing with this in the most level-headed way possible which is pretty amazing given what you are faced with. 

Post # 3
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m really sorry. While everyone makes mistakes, he has a couple of really big strikes against him. First of course is the fact he cheated on you and broke your trust (why did he do it, was he unhappy or thought he could get away with it). Second, he had unprotected sex and exposed you to also possible diseases! Three he did not come clean until you confronted him. Four of course is that now he is putting you in an unfair position where you and your child have to share his attention and resources with another.

Here’s the sad part – I would stay with him and co-parent at least for the first couple of years. Yes, I know you could do it on your own and friends/family could help, but it’s the least that he could do is to carry his fair share of child rearing with you. Try to mentally start separating it into a business arrangement, and prepare to formally separate when your child can be a bit more independent. If you let him go, he’s going to go to the other woman. I know a ton of people will tell you to let him go – I’m not that generous! Unless you all live together (which would be asking a lot) then there unfortunately will be unequal support – make sure that you and your child have what you need.

Take care of your health, make sure you know your finances (get a lawyer), and don’t believe his stories…

 

 

Post # 4
Member
818 posts
Busy bee

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@tulipbee:  I get what you’re saying about the benefits of co parenting but that’s going to be fucking HARD mentally living with him knowing all the while he knocked up some other bird.

It’s going to fester and rot and potentially cause a shit load of issues for all parties. 

Also… Why the fuck don’t men WRAP UP when they have sex anymore???? If he’s going to cheat, at least save everyone the problem of dealing with an unplanned child.

And another thing…. Anyone noticed how many more cheating/infidelity threads there are recently?

It amazes me how many women think their man would never cheat when biologically that’s exactly what they’re meant to do. I’m just not surprised anymore when I read yet another cheating post.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s shit.

Post # 5
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

Definitely do therapy together when your ready.  It’s good your going now but together is better. If things have been great so far I personally would not leave the relationship. Especially with a baby on the way. I sometimes think about this with my husband. We have a 4 year old and have been together 9 years. I am certain I woulnd’t leave if he had a one time one night stand. 

Things are really to emotional right now to do anything drastic. Just do baby steps, day by day and moment by moment. Next is therapy. I can tell you from experience, that having a baby is so so hard on relationships in general no matter how solid they were prior. My husband and I were really challenged the first FEW years. This will not be an easy road for either of you. I do think though, that if you both work at it, you can make it past this. But I wouldn’t expect anything to get better in the next 4 years plus years. I say 4 years because of the new baby coming and the personal growth that needs to happen for you both in this relationship. 

I can also say, that I’ve never met a couple that has been together for a significant amount of time that hasn’t at some point thought about calling it quits. 

I think you two can get passed this in time and with therapy together. 

Good luck bee. 

Post # 6
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I honestly wouldn’t stay if you have the financial capacity to leave. I was raised by two parents who stayed together and despised each other – that level of daily tension and stress will effect your child, and not in a good way. I know you love your husband now, but I’m worried about whether you’ll ever be able to truly forgive him.

Also was the message you received from the colleague he cheated with? If so what were her intentions around sending it? Was it about coming clean or was it to break you and your husband up so she would have a shot? Either way your husband has forever tied your life to this woman and her child without your consent. If you stay with your husband and presuming he gets partial custody of the other child, can you handle being a good stepmother to this kid (after all it’s not the child’s fault?) At least if you leave there may be a  bit more space btw you and the whole situation. The child won’t be coming to your home for visits etc.

I guess I’m trying to imagine this looking from the outside in – like I was watching a TV show (which obviously it’s not, it’s your actual life). But I know I would pity the woman who’s husband knocked up someone else yet she felt obligated to stay. Yet I would be rooting for the woman who looked around and thought to herself- yeah I don’t need this shit, I’ll do just fine on my own. 

Also while I agree with PPs that all couples go through challenges and often consider breaking up at some point in long term partnerships- this is called weathering a storm together. Your husband unleashed a fucking tsunami on your relationship and I would be furious that he would jeopardise things this way.

Post # 7
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry I couldn’t even get to end. He cheats. He doesn’t even bother to use protection. He gets someone else pregnant (I am so sorry bee I can’t imagine how much that hurts.) He then goes on a pathetic self pity rant where he can’t eat or sleep or be attentive? Cry me a fucking river.

Fuck couple’s counselling- Leave this man now for both you and your child. Both of you deserve SO much better.

And don’t believe him that he would have fessed up if it hadn’t come to light. That is utter BS. I don’t mean to rub salt in the wound but I highly doubt this was a one night stand… the chances of him getting her pregnant from one night!? I would bet money on this being an ongoing affair.

ETA: I am so surprised so many bees would sweep this under the rug “for the sake of the child”. WTAF

Post # 8
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

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@daliah12:  Together is best? Are you serious? Yes, maybe OP and her DH and the other woman and all the children can live together in a harem. What spineless advice.

Just looked at your posting history and it seems nothing would ever make you leave your partner so… SMH

Post # 9
Member
1533 posts
Bumble bee

He only told you after you asked. He would never have said anything if there was no pregnancy. I thibk the worst part is not using the protection, besides disrespecting you and the relationship he straight up put your life in danger. Also going himself to your parents reads to me as some type of misogynist bullshit masked as respect.

As for what to do now. There is no reason to do hasty decisions one way or another while this is all new. Go to therapy, see a couples councillor. It doesnt have to be in order to stay together, but it’s good so you can co-parent. You can even live apart without getting a divorce for some time or you can split etc. No need to decide anyhting today and no need to stay together because of the child.

What is he going to do with the other child? If you leave him would he go to his colleague?

Post # 10
Member
31 posts
Newbee

I wish I could hug you!  I’m so, so sorry.  All I can say is that if you did ever choose to attempt to reconcile with him the other woman and child would add a very, very complicated layer.  Take care of yourself.  

Post # 11
Member
1533 posts
Bumble bee

I can also say, that I’ve never met a couple that has been together for a significant amount of time that hasn’t at some point thought about calling it quits. 

 

I do think most couples have thought what else is out there or his some type of incompatibility issue and wondered if they can make it. But getting another woman pregnant?

Post # 12
Member
341 posts
Helper bee

If he cheated in February and it was only a one night stand wouldn’t the other woman’s pregnancy be a lot further along than 3 months?

Sounds like he hasn’t been telling you the whole truth bee. I am so sorry that you are going through this. This would be a huge breach of trust for me and I don’t think I could come back from it, especially because you were pregnant at the time. I think you should rally your friends and family and get as much support as you can through this. The decision is yours to make but having support will hopefully help you through.

Post # 13
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

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@alybe:  yeah that math makes no sense as well as the rest of his excuses 🤦🏻‍♀️

Post # 14
Member
2730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@alybe:  
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@milaknot: OP did not say the other woman is 3 months pregnant. She said the other woman waited to tell her husband she was pregnant until she was 3 months along. The other woman is due in November, which means she is 5 months now

Post # 15
Member
341 posts
Helper bee

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@knotyet:  sorry! My mistake! 

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