Husband cheated while I'm pregnant.

posted 4 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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@knotyet:  You are right in saying that the other woman should currently be 5 months along. But OP said she was sent the message when she herself was 7 months and the very next day she confronted the husband. To which the husband replies that he was only told the day before (same day message was sent) that his colleague is 3 months along. I read the passage many times and this was my understanding. The math just doesn’t check out, so I am confused.

To OP: I’m so sorry this happened to you at such a vulnerable time. I do have some doubts…Is your husband even sure the other baby is his? In the time the other woman kept mum about her pregnancy, she could be trying to find out who the baby daddy is. It’s just a conjecture of course, and it doesn’t excuse the cheating your husband has committed. Hugs to you..

Post # 17
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I can’t believe, after hearing your husband’s confession, that you didn’t respond to this woman’s FB message and hear what she has to say.  I’d bet money her story would differ from his and would likely be about an ongoing affair. 

Put me in the leave him camp.  Its a big if, but even if he is telling you the truth and it was a one time thing, your husband had sex with and made a baby with another woman.  How do you ever get over that?  How can you ever trust him again?  If you tried to stay, that child will be a living, breathing reminder of his betrayal every day for the rest of your life.

I’m so sorry for your pain, but I don’t see any way you come out the other side of this happily married to this man.

Post # 18
Member
3484 posts
Sugar bee

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@milaknot:  

“Fuck couple’s counselling- Leave this man now for both you and your child. Both of you deserve SO much better.” 

“ETA: I am so surprised so many bees would sweep this under the rug “for the sake of the child”. WTAF”

This. A 1,000% times this.

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@mademoiselle29:  

Not only is this man unnecessary in your life, his presence is actually detrimental to your happiness. Don’t waste time trying to fix something that is not worth it; invest your time building a beautiful life for you and your child. Love will come again, this time to a man worthy of your love.

Post # 19
Member
661 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry this is happening.  I do not buy his story of it being a one night stand.  The odds of his mistress getting pregnant from a one night stand are super slim and the fact that she allegedly waiting until she was three months along to tell him leads me to believe there is a lot more to this story.  As PP pointed out, my guess is her story will be very different than his.  Regardless, I’d recommend you continue therapy for yourself to help you through this.  Personally I would never be able to trust him or have the same feelings for him again, so I’d be filing for divorce ASAP.  GL

Post # 20
Member
10543 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

As someone who was cheated on a shit ton this would be an absolute deal breaker for me. This woman he obviously had some attraction to (and one who wants a relationship with him) will be in your lives forever constantly competing with you for attention. Not only that but how the hell does he plan to parent both children equally? Or does he plan to just let Woman B do all the work with the other child and he’ll just pop in and out every now and then?

Yeah no. Fuck that guy. Your best friend doesn’t cheat on you while you’re carrying his child. And ask yourself this – if this was just a one night stand why does the woman want a relationship so badly? They may have only had sex one time (doubtful) but they had an emotional relationship long before it got to the physical point. 

Post # 21
Member
3508 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It happened to a friend of mine too. At 7 months she found out her husband had been having an affair of several years standing. She left and is now divorced. 

I will say, have a look at the divorce laws where you are. I know in the UK you can only divorce for adultery if the marriage breaks down within 6 months of discovering the affair, any longer and legal you’re assumed to have accepted it and moved on. 

Post # 22
Member
1961 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Oh bee I’m so sorry 🙁 This is a shit situation, but even worse, this happens, I’m sure, all the time. 

I have a friend that this happened to. It was a similar situation, yet she was far more stupid – she slept unprotectedly with a guy who openly admits to knocking up 17 (YES SEVENTEEN) different women with his children. He is very wealthy and pays them all child support, but I think his wealth is what draws women to him. 

My friend slept with him a few years ago and got pregnant with a baby girl. While at the same time, three other women were also pregnant with his children. 

My friend cut off a lot of ties, demanded child support, and lets him have visitation I think once a month or something. The daughter doesn’t see him ever – he doesn’t want to be in her life – but the daughter doesn’t care because now my friend is engaged to a fabulous, wholesome man who is in the process of starting the legal adoption process and finalizing it once they are married. 

I think personally, if you can afford it, you should definitely consider leaving. This man cannot offer you anything anymore. Unlike my friend though, I DO think you should co-parent, because that is something that can be easily and heathily done with two mature adults (whether or not he is mature about it has yet to be seen in therapy). 

I wouldn’t do couples counseling. Maybe I’m a pessimist but I don’t see it offering much except maybe you coming to the realization that you definitely deserve better and you end up leaving anyway. This other woman will be in your lives forever. She has to. UNLESS you leave him. 

Post # 23
Member
10543 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Also are you sure he wasn’t pushing for you to get pregnant because he was out fucking around behind your back and knew it would be much harder for you to leave him if you had a child together? 

 

Post # 24
Member
610 posts
Busy bee

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@mademoiselle29:  

Some may disagree with me here, but I really think you need to get this other woman’s side of the story. He’s put you in a hell of a situation, and before I’d make any decisions I’d need to know what exactly went on. A one night stand versus an ongoing affair might change the outcome. He says it was one time, for all you know it could have been ongoing and she was getting a different story. 

Of course, the caveat here is that you don’t know if she’ll tell you truth. I’d approach her calmly and ask her for her side of things, before you give her any information about what he said. 

I don’t think it’s impossible to move past infedelity, but that is a lot of work and emotional lifting, and you need to know what exactly you are dealing with. 

Post # 25
Member
5133 posts
Bee Keeper

First, understand that this did not happen once, it happened many times, and each time was a choice, a reckless, thoughtless choice. A mistake is forgetting sugar in your apple strudel (I’ve done this). It is not a mistake when you choose to have sex with someone else when you’re married; it’s a grievous error in judgement. 

You sound like you are handling this very well, but at such a cost. I will be brutally honest and say that I think you will be better off in the long run leaving this man and finding someone else down the line. Negotiating things with the other woman and her child is going to be very painful and I am not one who believes that a man should just walk away from a child he has created. He’s going to have child support payments for 18+ years.

Unfortunately police officers have a very high rate of infidelity. I can speculate why, but it doesnt matter. I’ve seen too many instances of this, including one officer who impregnated his other woman 2x – and his wife stayed with him and they actually got custody of the other woman’s kids. Now that is not a life for the faint of heart. 

I’m so sorry. I leave you with one thought: think of yourself, first and foremost. Do not be swayed by people who tell you to stay for the sake of your unborn child. That argument is a bad one.

Take care.

Post # 26
Member
13657 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Personally, there’s no way I could ever see coming back from this in your place or ever regaining trust.

I agree with the points of several PPs. Chances are slim to none he would have ever told you the truth when he did or at all had she not become pregnant and had you not been informed by someone else and confronted him.

The excuse that he didn’t tell you about the affair because you were newly pregnant is total BS. He didn’t want to give you a choice as to whether to leave him and terminate is what that was all about. 

I also call BS that this was a one night stand. Please. If that were true, why is the other woman still somehow hoping for a relationship and how likely is it she got pregnant from their one and only encounter?  Even on the off chance it was just once, there was clearly an emotional tie of some kind. 

To stay, you’d be in for a lifetime of involvement and close connection to this woman and would have to agree to co-parent their child. You’d have to suspend all disbelief in the risk of this happening again.

I’m also very concerned that your family and friends are putting pressure on you to work things out and the advice to stay so that the other woman doesn’t win out on you is probably the worst I’ve ever read on this forum. 

You’ve suffered an unbearable trauma at a highly stressful and vulnerable time. My very first step should be an individual counselor. I think you can figure out what my next one would be. Love alone is not always enough. 

Post # 27
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

You don’t have to make any decisions now, but if I were you I’d be starting the process of separating. 

I don’t believe for a minute that it was only once, and I’d be replying to the message on Facebook to get the other woman’s story.

She may even have proof (such as screenshots or receipts to hotels) that completely changes your perspective on things. 

It’s probably too late, but I’d also ask your husband for his phone. I’m pretty sure there’s software you can run on it that will bring up deleted things, but I could be wrong, which is why it’s so crucial to talk to the other woman and ask her if she has any proof. 

If the other woman provides proof, SAVE it to at least two different places and send a copy to a friend who you can trust. You don’t have to do anything with it, but it you do divorce this could come in handy depending on your state. 

This man risked your health, is probably trickle-truthing you, and expects you to play happy family with the product of his extreme betrayal of you? No. Of course it’s not the child’s fault, but I don’t think you should expose yourself to that kind of pain.

Post # 28
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

This pretty close to my parental situation. Parents were together for 7, married for two. My mom had two kids and his mistress had two kids too during that time. 

My dad caused a lot of pain. Is there a lot of pain in his story, yes. His first wife died from cancer, my sister was a surprised pregnancy, he and my mom only got married because of that, etc. Do I wish in any part of my soul they’d stayed together, absolutely not.

Life was painful for many years, fighting parents, lack of my dad’s presence and attention. He eventually broke things off with the mistress (she was an alcoholic and druggie, but a nice woman). He started working on himself, became a better man and father.

He had a lot of work to do as a person, my mom did not. She was responsible, he wasn’t. She chose not to see that path out, and she has all of my respect. I would have respected her either way though because she is a an intelligent and strong person. Whatever choice she makes, she’s thought about carefully and weighed the pros and cons.

I think that’s all you can do Bee. What do you want, what do you need, and what does your child need? Sending you all my love. This is crushingly hard.

Post # 29
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee

He plainly didn’t want to tell you for his sake not for yours. All this is about him and what he wanted.

He wanted to have sex with another woman. 

He wanted to take away your ability to choose whether to have his child or not by not coming clean early on.

He wanted you to stay and play happy families despite his despicable behaviour and child with another woman.

He didn’t want to use protection with her. He very well could have given you a sexually transmitted disease. 

 Now it is your turn. It is about what you want. This man is a liar and a cheat. Do you want to live with that? Do you want to deal with him going back and forth between you and her for the next 18 years? 

It is a momentous choice for you to make. This will set the pattern for the rest of your and your child’s life.

I am so sorry for you Bee. I really am. I want you to find happiness and contentment with a man that is honest, trustworthy and loyal and raise a child in that atmosphere.

 

Post # 30
Member
4236 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

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@mademoiselle29:  I’m so sorry that this happened to you, no one deserves to be put in such an awful situation. A very similar situation happened to my colleague – her husband cheated with one of his employees while she was pregnant. She ended things and never looked back, despite him trying to win her back for years, and it really seemed to be the best thing for her and their child. Going into this marriage or even any relationship, had you ever given any thought to your deal breakers? For me, infidelity is a big one. It’s just the ultimate betrayal and the only thing that’s equally bad or worse in my opinion is abuse. My stepfather cheated on my mom and it led to a lot of struggles that we had to work hard to move past after they separated, and that stuck with me. Cheating is absolutely unforgiveable to me, as I would never be able to trust again. I wouldn’t even try. And I certainly wouldn’t be able to just step into the role of stepmom and want any involvement with the other woman, which is inevitable since that’s only fair to the other child. I know it’s easier to say what I would hypothetically do, but I’ve had this conversation with my husband. I don’t think he’d cheat on me in a million years, but if he somehow lost his mind and did that to me, he knows that it’s essentially throwing our marriage in the garbage and there will be no second chance. I wish you the best as you try to make the best decision for you and your baby! I’m pregnant and my heart breaks when I think about how this should be nothing but a joyous time for you. 

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