Post # 31
I think people can move past cheating, especially a one night stand. I don’t think I could move past cheating, unprotected, with a co-worker, and having another child. Thats pretty fucked up. How are you going to live your life? Will he have topay child support to this woman or will he have an active role? Will he have to take the kid for custody? It’s going to be a constant, every day reminder of how shitty a human being he is, how unfaithful he was, how he broke your vows. You will resent this child. How is that supposed to work in real life? I dont think it can.
eta – about the math, I think she got the FB message a few months ago, and he has been living at his parents for a little while. Hence she says she breaks down once a week, so its been a little whie since she got the message. If he cheated in feb, co-worker waited until 3 months along, then she would have sent the message may/june, he could have been living at his parents for 2 months now.
Post # 32
OP, I am so sorry. My heart broke for you reading your story. I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling.
That said, I have to agree with the other bees that I don’t think you should stay with your husband. The biggest reason why? He is still lying to you. Even after the truth is coming out, he isn’t giving you the whole truth. I don’t think he slept with that woman only one time. And if it really was only one time, that would lead me to believe she got pregnant on purpose. So ask yourself, why does she want him so badly that she would purposefully get pregnant with his child? I would strongly suspect he was carrying on some sort of emotional relationship with her leading up to the sex.
Not only that, but I also agree that he never would have told you if there weren’t physical evidence. He told you the truth because he knew it was going to get out regardless once his child with the other woman was born. And then there’s your mental health to worry about. Even if he is sorry and does regret it, would you ever be able to trust him again? How would you handle being married to him knowing he is also having to care for that other child that his affair created? It’ll be a constant reminder of what he did to you.
Again, I am so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better.
Post # 33
I understand how the math could be confusing if you’re thinking she just found out. Originally I did too. But I take it OP found out about this 2 months ago. She may have read the message while 7 months pregnant, but she is now 9 months pregnant. I know this, because I am also due in August.
Post # 34
Honestly, Bee, all I can say is fuck that guy. I know he’s your husband, but no. Absolutely not. I get that picking up and leaving a relationship where you are in love with the person is not easy. The idea of parenting alone (unexpectedly) is not easy and traumatic. The idea of starting over is not easy. But the alternative is staying with a man who obliterated your trust and your marriage for (at the very, very best) an unprotected one night stand with a co-worker.
Cheating aside (and that’s a big effing aside) he put you and your unborn baby directly at risk by having unprotected sex with this woman. What if she had an incurable STD? What if that had negatively impacted your child? And then he got her pregnant. Personally, I love my husband so, so much, but homeboy would be gone. There is no way I could live with myself or look my child in the face and know that I allowed myself to stay in a situation like that. The trust would be forever gone and I would just be uninterested in even him attempting to earn it back. Save it for someone else.
Who cares if he is remorseful? Who cares if he is genuinely sorry or never meant to hurt you? These are all wonderful sentiments NOW after he’s been caught, after his mistress is pregnant, and he torpedoed your lives. He should have worried about all of this before, but he didn’t. As another Bee pointed out, this was not a “mistake.” This was not a “whoops, slipped and fell in this woman’s vagina over and over again completely out of my control.” This was a decision. An active decision that he willingly chose to make.
And now you both (plus the two children) will forever have to live with the consequences. His actions are, I think, truly inexcusable. And, frankly, I don’t buy his version of events.
At any rate, it wouldn’t hurt to get a consultation with a divorce lawyer. Most consultations are free or reasonably priced. If you have the message that was sent to you or any texts frojm your husband admitting to the affair, show those and see what your options are.
In the end, you have to make the decision that you can live with.
Post # 35
It’s not about winning out – I mean realistically speaking with two children by two different women, he has to split support expenses and no one in their right mind would like this and there is no way around that fact. They would have to maintain separate residences, cars, baby supplies, etc. It’s not like when you have one family with two kids who can share some things. She did not seem to consider not accepting support or preventing him from having a relationship with the baby. He should take responsibility for both of them. Clearly co-parenting while residing together would be efficient but yes would depend on if you can emotionally separate.
I am not in her situation, and I clearly said she should think of herself and her baby first. I also have a father that basically married his long-time mistress less than two months after my mom passed away – it’s not that I have no understanding of the anger or betrayal she must be going through, but which must be a thousand times worse.
OP I’m sorry. You seem to be a rationale and intelligent woman in a tough situation. I just want to repeat please look into protecting your assets and even if you stay with him, make sure he contributes what is fair to your child, it doesn’t matter what he tells you, get it all on paper. Co-parenting together does NOT mean you have to stay married at all.
Post # 36
While l think it might be possible to forgive, if not forget, the single incidence of infidelity. ( assuming that it really was a single incidence) , it will not be possible to forget the fact that he will, shortly have a child with this woman. You will have to live with this every day, unless you expect him to totally repudiate the child. Perhaps you can do this, all l can say is that in your position ( and , apart from being pregnant at the time, )l have been, right down to the fact my ex was a policeman) l could not, and did not. But, of course not being pregnant myself made a huge difference
l know it is incredibly hard, and terribly painful, but you need to decide what to do, to stop crying and get hard faced about it. Do you want to stay with him no matter what? If so, you need, all three of you, to come to some sort of decision as to his role in this other woman and child’s life.
Something l never did was to insist on a paternity test, my god l would now, as years later it transpired that the ‘other woman’s’ pregnancy l left my ex for, was probably not his. If the child really is your husband’s , see above. If not, you have ‘only’ the infidelity to get past.
Whatever you do, get yourself protected legally and financially. Also, and this may not apply to you at all, but l wish l had told less details to my family, or at least impressed confidentiality on them more . Pride got me through and having people pity me was almost the worst part .
Post # 37
I would not make a long range plan at this time. Just take one day at at time. Continue with therapy. But please protect yourself and understand your rights by speaking to an attorney. At the very least your husband will have to pay child support to this woman and decide will he be a part of this other child’s life? If you stay with him, this other child will effect your life. There are so many decisions and feelings you will have to go thorugh ahead for you. I say take one day at a time because you are pregnant. Keep as healthy as you can. As time goes on it will become clearer whether you should stay with him or leave. One other thing. Your husband should get a DNA test when the other child is born. How do you know for sure it is your husband’s child? That woman could have been with other men. I assume she knew your husband was married. She still had a relationship with him and she could have been dating others. Was she trying to trap him by gettng pregnant? I doubt it was a one time thing.
Post # 38
Please go get tested for every STI under the sun. I doubt this was his one and only rodeo.
Post # 39
“Here’s the sad part – I would stay with him and co-parent at least for the first couple of years. Yes, I know you could do it on your own and friends/family could help, but it’s the least that he could do is to carry his fair share of child rearing with you. Try to mentally start separating it into a business arrangement, and prepare to formally separate when your child can be a bit more independent.”
Not everything is about getting every dollar out of a situation. I’d downsize or live with family before ever staying with him. OP would be entitled to a good percentage of what she’d otherwise get in child support and a split of their assets. You don’t even know whether OP works, is independent of her H financially, or has family that can help. If not, my advice to OP is to take steps to put herself in that position.
If she leaves now, it’s that much sooner that she can start a new life. Her mental health is just as important.
It would have to be a cold, desperate day in hell before considering what you suggest and then some. And why put a child through it only to suffer the trauma of a later disruption?
“She did not seem to consider not accepting support or preventing him from having a relationship with the baby.”
What does this have to do with anything? She’s entitled to child support no matter how much she earns or will earn. And what kind of person would prevent a child from having a relationship with his or her parent? That’s not an option here.
Post # 40
I’m so sorry, OP. I hope you have the support you need at this time. I’d also encourage you to think about your baby, and what you want for THEM in life. They will eventually put two and two together and figured out dad cheated on mom. If you’re having a girl — do you want her to grow up believing that it’s okay for men to treat her this way? That if she is wronged, she should forgive and forget? If you have a son, do you want him to grow up believing he can treat his wife poorly, and she should stick by his side?
I know that since having my kids, I look at all my major decisions (and even minor ones!) from the perspective of “what life lesson is this teaching my daughter/sons .”
Sending you love.
Post # 41
From a purely legal standpoint, often the first person who files for child support for a child gets a bigger percent of the fathers (in this case) salary. The second person to file gets a percentage of what’s left after that first one is taken out. It varies by state, but you really need to talk to a lawyer and make sure your baby is first in line, which would mean filing after he/she is born and before the other baby is born. Your child needs to be the priority here, and the child support for each will last 18 years at least so a visit with a lawyer to know your rights and how to protect your baby’s future is really important.
Post # 42
And seriously, he didn’t want to tell earlier because he was afraid for the baby?! That’s the most ridiculous bullshit I ever heard. He essentially prevented you from having the choice to end the early stage pregnancy (this of course depends on personal beliefs but I know I would have at least considered it) and leave him. Well surprise, you still can and should in my opinion.
Post # 43
I 100% agree with the person who said stay with him for a little while so you can be sure to get him to actually help with your child, and use that time to get your ducks in a row to leave him. Don’t sleep with him during that time. The best thing for your child is a happy mother who doesn’t let herself be treated badly so that your child can learn what a relationship should look like. If you stay it’ll happen again. If you leave it’ll happen to her.
Post # 44
Oh, Bee. I join PPs with doubt that it was actually a one-night stand. If you decide to stay with him you are also forever in a relationship with this other woman and her child, who will be your child’s half-sibling. Can you imagine yourself waking up on the weekend to make breakfast for these two children together?
Talk to a lawyer.
Post # 45
I’ve always said I couldn’t stay with a man who cheated on me, but I know some do. I would ensure there is a paternity test for the other woman’s child. You definitely want to make sure of that. Also, I’m not familiar with legalities in this scenario, but a PP mentioned the first person to file gets the best percentage of income for support, so even if you’re considering staying with your husband, I would file for support and remain separated, so that you’re protected if you decide to leave.