Post # 46
Please remember, you can raise a baby without being married to the father. To me, this would be a game over, divorce situation (which I know of course is easier said then done). I would take these next few months to sort our your living situation, prepare for your baby, and prepare for raising your baby as a single parent. I am so sorry you are going through this. You need to do what is best for your baby right now. Sounds like this would be an unhappy marraige, and that is not best for your child.
Just as a side note, not sure what it is about officers and affairs but out of my three people I know in the police, they have all been involved in some sort of affair scandal with their colleagues. Not sure if it is the stress, working in close contact for hours, or what.
Post # 47
I don’t think he only slept with her once. I don’t blindly trust anyone, not by husband, not my best friend. I would prepare myself to find out that there could be more women he has slept with, and get an STI test asap. Sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 48
I’m so sorry, OP. Cheating is one thing – maybe with some counseling and serious prayer, I could forgive and continue the marriage if my husband had a one time transgression. But cheating unprotected and producing another child with a work colleague? The disrespect, the exposure and the embarrassment are all too much. Your husband slept with somebody at his place of business, who you would have too see at corporate events if he continued working there. Your husband risked you and your unborn child to STI’s. And your spineless, dishonest, piece of shit husband ONLY came clean because he was being blackmailed by the woman he was having an affair with. This was no one night stand. It was a relationship – that’s why the other woman “wants him” because he made himself available multiple times. Please get a lawyer and work to protect you and your child. I’m so sorry that your husband did this to you during what should have been the happiest time in your life. ❤
Post # 49
“could not tell me because I was still very early in my pregnancy and he did not want anything to happen to our child
” — But he risked giving you an STI that could have infected your child in utero or during birth. Do you realize this? In his eagerness to go raw dog with this other woman, he literally risked your unborn baby’s life. Cheating would be bad enough, but how much worse is it that he couldn’t even protect you and your baby’s physical health? Feeling his bare dick rubbing her bare vag was more important than not just your trust and feelings, but more important than not making your baby blind, brain-damaged, miscarried, or stillborn. These are all things that can happen if you get an STI while pregnant. So him saying he couldn’t tell you because he was worried about the baby is bullshit. He’s a liar. Present tense — he was a liar and he still is a liar. How will you ever be able to believe a word he says? And which of these scenarios will you be able to live with: having to split your child’s college fund with your husband’s other child, or knowing that your husband is a piece of shit who would treat his two children differently? I wouldn’t be ok with either, and would make them both slightly more acceptable by changing it to ex
-husband. That is some serious gall to say he was protecting the baby by lying to you, when he wouldn’t even protect it by wrapping his dick while cheating on you.
I am very sorry you’re going through this, and wish you strength for now and peace for the future.
Post # 50
oh man, this is such an awful story. I’m due in September and I would be so horrified if my partner did this to me.
Whilst I couldn’t forgive the situation or put up with the other baby mama, I kind of understand why some bees are suggesting you stay – baby’s are a huge amount of work and resources. Having said that, I felt a wee bit resentful of my WONDERFUL partner and his useless nipples when my first bub arrived. I can’t imagine the rage and resentment that would have descended upon me post-natally if he’d cheated on me. Next, I can’t imagine dealing with the birth of my beautiful new baby’s half sibling 3 months later while still recovering from the birth and adjusting to life as a new mum. I would feel so guilty for feeling mad at an innocent baby who was taking my partner’s attention, time and money (obviously it’s not the baby’s fault – it’s just a super messed up situation).
A close friend’s husband had a one night stand when she was pregnant with her second baby. He used protection (how decent of him!) and the other woman did not become pregnant. So overall a much better situation than yours. Her baby is now 5. Every time she drinks, she bawls her eyes out. She is still super raw and resentful. Her husband was so sorry and he is a perfect specimen of a husband now. It doesn’t matter. The hurt runs so deep. They make a life together but she has pain behind her eyes and I kinda wish she’d left him then.
if you can rally a support network around yourself (move in with your family or a close friend), I would be inclined to go this one alone. I’m so so sorry this has happened to you. You sound so sweet and lovely. He truly doesn’t deserve you.
Post # 51
thank you for your reply. He himself does not understand why he did it, I asked him what was it that made him do it, what did he lack? He can’t answer me, he told me he did not lack anything with me. I was thinking of letting him come over and help with the first three months after our baby is born and after that he may go (that’s around the same time the other child will be born). The house where we are living at is mines, so he will need to go elsewhere. I think I am okay having him here temporarily, maybe I have a good heart but I still want him to experience the first months with the baby and for them to create a bond.
I asked him about protection, he said he did not leave the house to have sex so ofcourse he did not have any protection with him, it all just happened. He knew how I felt about affairs seeing how some family members of me was with cheating boyfriends and I always expressed how I hated that. He knew this, and still he risked it all. I mean I don’t expect him to be a saint for the rest of our lives, but I am currently pregnant, we’ve gone all those years without any cheating how can he do this now that I’m pregnant. I don’t understand.
Thank you for your positive words, I try to see the situation like that. But just thinking that I have to help him raise his other child, I can’t and don’t want to do it. I don’t think I can ever get over this experience with him, it’s the worst.
Till this day I still don’t know who sended the message and I never replied to it. The other women did indeed had other intentions and I somehow think that she planned for this to happen.
That is exactly what I asked him, I told him I doubted after our baby was born that he would have ever come clean to me about what happened. He wants to be financially responsible for the child and be there for the child. He told me there is no possibility of him ever getting with the other women.
Thank you for your feedback. My husband atmitted to having an emotional affair for 3 months with her until the one night stand (he was drunk). I think he was playing with fire and he definitely got burned (I know this was a key information to the story, I don’t know why I did not write it in the original post, maybe because I know it will make the story worse).
Reading all the feedback on here is really making me stronger in considering separating/divorce. I cannot and do not want to raise the other child with him.
Post # 52
Yes, the current situation is that the other women is (almost) 5 months pregnant and I am in my 9th month. He will be taking a DNA test when the baby is born but he is almost sure that the baby is his because he was talking to the other women before that and supposedly knows that she did not have anyone else.
@Goirishgrl: @slomotion: @unicornwolf: @weddingmaven: @revonue:
My husband did indeed admit to an emotional affair for 3 months before he slept with her because he was drunk. I think he did not expect the other women to actually fall for him. She actually asked him to come raise the other child with him, he told her no, he has no contact with her for now but ofcourse when the other child is born he will have to start talking to her.
yes, I do nottt care to win over this other women, she is irrelevant in my life at the moment. I have the financial ability to separate (I work) and my parents live nearby and we were already planning on letting the baby stay with my mother for the first months and let him go to daycare until he is atleast 9 months.
cheating/having an affair was definitely one of my dealbreakers, he know how I felt about cheaters. but it is indeed different when you’re going through it. Like I said before, reading the comments on this is convincing me that I do not have to stay with him regardless of how much love we have for eachother, he betrayed me in the worse way and I don’t think I can EVER get over this.
Post # 53
thank you for the though love.
he thinks she tried to trap him by getting pregnant. He admitted to having an emotional affair with the other women for 3 months before they slept together (he was drunk).
thank you for this point of view. I’m having a son and I definitely don’t want him to think this is normal. I refuse to believe that men need to cheat to live. My husband’s father cheated on his mother while his mother was pregnant with him. She stayed but after he cheated again she left him when my husband was 1 year old. I don’t know if this somehow affected him? I never got that feeling before. We have a close bond with his father, stepmother and his brothers from that side.
Post # 54
Has his mistress provided a DNA test to prove the baby is your husband’s? ETA just saw the update she’ll provide this when baby is born, but why not now? It can be done with a non-invasive blood test.
Do you honestly believe he got her pregnant on their first and only time having sex? The odds of that are so ridiculously low, I certainly don’t believe him and if you do I’m afraid you’re fooling yourself, hoping to work things out when actually you would be better off leaving now. Regardless, having sex with someone (drunk or not) isn’t something that “just happens”, as pps have said. It was a choice he made, he chose to cheat on you first and then he chose to have sex with another woman, almost certainly many times, and he chose not to use protection.
How can you believe him when he says he doesn’t want to get with the other woman? Surely he also told you he would be faithful to you, and that’s not true so why would you believe him now? Obviously he *did* want to get with her, and he got with her, and she’ll be in his life forever now, so how do you know he won’t sleep with her again? Him carrying on an emotional affair first makes it even worse, and more likely that he’ll cheat again with her or someone else.
This is a horrible situation to be in but you can get past it and find happiness again without him. If you allow him to live with you for the first 3 months of the baby’s life, you will end up staying with him. Staying with him means co-parenting with the mistress, and a whole lot of other terrible things for you. Don’t put yourself through that. He can bond with the child without living with him. And think of your baby when it’s older — do you want to teach your child it’s okay to cheat? Because that’s what you’d be doing by staying with his father and raising the sibling together. Both you and your son will be so much better off if you divorce. You can do it!
Post # 55
my husband admitted to a 3 month emotional affair with the other women. That’s the reason why she wants him. It stopped the day they slept together.
Post # 56
You wrote “I asked him about protection, he said he did not leave the house to have sex so ofcourse he did not have any protection with him, it all just happened.” Does this mean they had sex in your home?
Regardless of whether the DNA test shows that other woman’s child is, in fact, your husband’s, I would be done. Cheating is a dealbreaker. Lying about it is also a dealbreaker. You deserve better.
Post # 57
I hear you bee I do. If I could just say one more thing, ultimately you need to do what’s right for you but I would highly advise you both to seek out professional help before making any drastic decisions. Regardless of what most people in here say I truly believe that can make it or break it for couples going through terrible emotional traumas.
Post # 58
- Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY
I wish you and your baby the best as you plan a way to move forward from this all!
Post # 59
I think he meant that he didn’t leave the house with the intention
of having sex (hence the lack of preparation) not that he didn’t leave the house at all. Obviously it is still a BS excuse.
Post # 60
I think it mean that when he left the house his plan was not to have sex and therefore didn’t take condoms with him.