Post # 1
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
hello everyone,
Been feeling quite down and just needed some advice. My husband and I got married in January 17. We had our beautiful child in September 17. In October i found messages in his phone about other girls and there were blocked numbers full of escorts. I looked up the numbers and found out they were escorts. I had access to his phone records throughout this time and checked regularly but never picked this up, until this time. Anyways I msgd a few of the escorts pretending to be him and most had said they never did meet up, except for one who said he had come to see her this year. (She was someone who had a “glory hole” and only did bjs so they never actually saw each other). I confronted my husband and he EVENTUALLY told me he was only messaging them that he never met up with any of them etc. I really had a hard time believing this but he really did not want to loose me or our child and made it up to me. I kept finding more information as time when on as my husband was never truly honest with me until I found stuff out and his argument was it’s in the past let it go.
It’s been almost a year now and I still can’t shake what has happened. I don’t know what to do. I don’t believe he is messaging these girls anymore as he is always at home with me and the baby (he never was before and always going out)
i just don’t know why he would do this to me – I mean, our sex life was good and we always got along well and I was pregnant !! And I mean Don’t want to sound stuck up but I’m not exactly ugly or anything. Was there a point in just messaging them ? I guess I will never know the truth and I’m just hoping I never have to go through this again !! I mean I asked him why he did it and he just kept saying I don’t know there was no reason behind it. How will I know if it has stoped or if he’s just got good at hiding it ? He changed his number and now I don’t really have access to his phone records but I do his phone i guess.
Ahh thanks for listening to my rant! Any help or advice would be appreciated!
ps: we are also Muslim (not really religious) but this is so against our religion as well!
Post # 2
Member
13951 posts
Honey Beekeeper
This would be a huge problem for me too. If you are still committed to your relationship and making it work, maybe seeing a marriage counselor would help you accept what happened and start rebuilding your trust. Sometimes a neutral third party is what’s required here – they can give an objective opinion and help you navigate your feelings.
Post # 3
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
This would have been a deal breaker for me, I’d never be able to trust him again. I do agree with PP though on the counseling thing if you’re truly committed to making this work.
Good luck, 🐝.
Post # 4
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
When people cheat it’s not usually because they want something prettier than their wife it is that they want the excitement of it not being their wife.
I think in this situation I would struggle to get over this. His answers aren’t great for reassuring you and if it were me I would struggle to trust him again.
I hope you got a full check up for your own piece of mind incase he was intimate with them and also if you really want to work through it then couples counselling?
I
Post # 5
Member
47430 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Anyone with a glory hole for giving blow jobs could have been a “he” not a “she”. In either case, they were sexually active with many men.
I hope you got tested for STD’s.
I too recommend counselling.
Post # 6
Member
9144 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
bellag1233 : “
I still can’t shake what has happened.” — He paid to stick his dick through a hole for some unknown person to suck. And I don’t believe for a second that that’s the worst of it. You shouldn’t shake this. Some things are terrible enough to not deserve a second chance. How can you ever look him in the eye again and not be thinking of this? Much less try to be intimate with him. I could never get this image out of my mind. I’d leave. This is his fault, not yours. If you decide to stay, I guess maybe try therapy, but honestly I don’t think anyone could truly get past something like this.
Post # 7
Member
8390 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
So not only did he cheat, he PAID these/this person for it. Instead of putting groceries in your fridge or savings for your baby he paid someone to suck his dick. I would never stay with someone who did this.
Post # 8
Member
1467 posts
Bumble bee
He’s actively trying to cheat on you. It’s his mission and he’s willing to pay to make it a reality. I’m so so sorry bee huge hugs. But you have to leave.
If Beyonce can get cheated on anyone can.
Post # 9
Member
4962 posts
Honey bee
He didn’t cheat because you aren’t pretty enough or not good enough in bed. He cheated because he isn’t interested in a monogamous relationship and doesn’t respect you. It is as simple as that. You can’t change that and you can’t wish it away. And every time he says “I don’t know” what he really means is “I don’t know how to tell you that I’m not interested in monogamy and don’t respect you or our marriage vows with sounding like an asshole so I’ll just act like I’m sorry and say I don’t know.” Why are you just shrugging your shoulders and crossing your fingers that this will be the time he finally becomes faithful and honest? Why are you accepting “I don’t know” as an answer? Because short of a traumatic brain injury or dementia, he should very well know why he solicited numerous escorts and stuck his dick in a hole in the wall. You don’t not know.
Post # 10
Member
5116 posts
Bee Keeper
“It’s in the past”? Who the fuck is he kidding,? What has he done to atone for this heinous behavior? To make you feel more secure? Sounds like a whole bunch of nothing. I’d separate a d tell him to let you know what he intends to do to show you that he’s sorry he fucked up so badly. You’re letting him off way too easy.
Post # 11
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
At least he didn’t try to excuse his behavior with Nikah Mut’ah. He knows he’s a disgusting cheater!
Post # 12
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
bellag1233 : I totally understand what everyone is saying. My parents got divorced when I was one and I just didn’t want this for my child. I wanted us to have this happy home that I thought it would be. I guess since it’s been a few months now he probably thinks I’m over it which I’m clearly not! How do i go about telling him now?
I guess because he has never admitted he has cheated I’ve never had the closure I’ve needed to make the right decision. I just don’t know why he can’t be honest with me! It’s so frustrating. I guess he knows that if I found out the whole truth it would be over for sure.
ive had a full check and I’m clean thankfully.
Post # 13
Member
11133 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
bellag1233 :
He did it because he lacks character and has low impulse control. What is the purpose of struggling to find the why? Is there an answer he could give that could make this less horrible? What he does is because of the way he’s wired.
And, Bees, please. Everyone has to stop kidding themselves that their partners can’t be cheating because he’s home with them all the time. No, he isn’t. Does he not go to work? The store? Visting friends or family? Does he have a hobby?
Cheaters are masters of time management. You would be amazed at how much they can get accomplished.
And, while we’re all here, let’s put the lie to the dreadful myth that it’s better for the kids if the unhappy parents stay together for the sake of the children. What the research is showing is that 82%, yes, 82% of adult children whose parents were not happy together, wished that their parents had divorced.
So, the children are not a valid reason to stay married to a scum bucket. The children always know what’s going on anyway. They’re experts in nonverbal communication.
You have scummier scum than most. Not only is your husband unfaithful to you, he pays for sex and sexual acts. That’s not exactly the high road. That kind of work is extremely exploitive of women. They may not have been where they are by their own free will. Or, as a PP indicated, he could be playing sex games with men.
If there is one thing in life of which you can be certain, besides death and taxes, it’s cheaters cheating.
Post # 14
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
A one year old isn’t even going to have a memory of your cheating husband. Now’s a great time to start a new life if you want to use the best time or situation for your child as an excuse for how you determine your future actions.
I wouldn’t get over this, either. I also wouldn’t try. I’d be gone. Putting his stick in a hole for a random, untested human to suck puts him at risk for all sorts of health risks. Some of those could be transferred to me. And, to my child if I were breastfeeding or still pregnant. And that is absolutely unforgivable.
Post # 15
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
Sounds like he hasn’t taken responsibility at all. Lying and only admitting the bare minimum, telling you it’s in the past – not okay.
Bee, if it were me and I decided I wanted to stay with this man these would be my requiements:
1. Honesty about what he’s actually done
2. Couples counseling
3. Complete transparency in all his actions – phone, credit cards, bank details, whatever you need to see for as long as you need to see them
4. I’d have to believe he was actually sorry and willing to work on the marriage