(Closed) Husband chooses brothers graduation over birth of his first child :O

posted 7 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 92
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

It’s so crazy it’s funny. It will never REALLY happen of course. His mom will set him straight (surely) I think you should text her. Unless she’s one of those ‘my baby can do no wrong’. She’ll set him straight. But still the odds are really low you labor that day

 

Post # 93
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Mrslovebug:  You are a better woman than me! I would wanna beat his a$$! 

Post # 94
Member
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Hell yeah he should miss the graduation. It is an important event for his brother, absolutely. But, it’s the birth of his child! Even if it is not real for him yet (I can get that), did he think about all of the other scenarios. You, who can’t drive, trying to get to the hospital? You having to worry about your 6-year-old daughter while going through labor and birth? That’s too much for you to even think about. I agree with PPs…have him go to doctors appointments with you and listen to what really takes place during labor and delivery. Good luck!

 

ETA: Also…what do his parents say about this? I can’t believe it didn’t cross their minds that you could go into labor or have a newborn baby at that time.

 

Post # 95
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Mrslovebug:  I am mad at him! LOL Seriously, his priorities are out of whack.  You and baby come before brother. Like PP said, what if something happens?  You will need support. I’m sure he can watch the video of graduation later.

Post # 96
Member
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Gee he was there the night the baby was conceived, the least he could do is be there when the baby is born. 

Post # 97
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
@paula1248:  +1 I totally thought this was a news item!

I don’t even understand how this is a question. Not only is he missing the graduation if you go into labor… he’s missing the graduation period. YOU are not going on a 3 hour drive out of town to sit through a long cermony when you could give birth any minute. And he is not going on a full day trip out of town if you give birth a few days before either. 

As for the baby not knowing… yeah… but the baby WILL know eventually. And how will it look that the father decided to let mommy drive her laboring self to the hospital alone while daddy sat through the world’s most boring tradition? Nevermind how completely heartless and just stupid it is to do that to your wife. 

He needs a serious talking to. HIS baby is inside you, OP. There is nothing and no one more important than the two of you. I really hope he’s just scared shitless about the birth and purposely being ignorant… but he needs to get over it now. 

Post # 99
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Okay, I am going to start this by saying that I 100% think your husband needs to be there for you and your new child and that baby trumps graduation every time. However, if your husband is generally a rational human being, I think you might be able to have a productive conversation about what you’re going to need around the time of the baby’s birth rather than threatening him that if he goes to the graduation that he might as well not come home (as suggested by some pp). Maybe he would do better if you talked through a few of the most likely scenarios so he can start processing what will be happening during that time a little better.

 

Scenario 1) You have not given birth yet by May 16th. Due to the possibility that you may go into labor and do not have a way to get to the hospital (as well as having a 6 year old to look after), he should not be going to the graduation period. It doesn’t matter if the kid won’t remember it or if you are in the stages of early labor and he’d have time to come home. He should not be three hours away during this time for any non-essential reason.

 

Scenario 2) You have just given birth and are still in the hospital or in your first couple of days home. If you’re comfortable with him going to the graduation while you look after the two kids, that’s completely up to you. I would not have been okay with my husband leaving while I was still in the hospital or being far during the first couple of weeks, but some people would not find this to be a huge problem. 

 

Scenario 3) Baby arrives a couple of weeks early. You’re home from the hospital and everything is going well and you’re comfortable with DH attending the graduation (if you actually would be okay with this).

 

I think you need to stress to your husband the uncertainty around those dates and that you’re going to have to play it by ear as to whether it would be possible for him to go to the graduation. My husband and I always discuss making a “game time decision” in these sorts of cases. However, he needs to realize his first commitment is to you and your new baby rather than to his brother’s graduation. Attendance of the birth is not optional and his family should be understanding of that. Hope everything works out!

 

Post # 100
Member
13717 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Wow, 100% agreement on this thread. You  don’t even get that for nonstop profanity in front of small babies and children, so that should tell you something!

Not only should H miss the graduation if you are in labor, he should miss it regardless if you have not yet had the baby.  Three hours plus traffic is too far away to be when you could be going to labor any minute.   He should also miss it if you have a newborn at home and no other help.  Bottom line, the brother can not reasonably  expect to see him there.  Do you think his family is pressuring him on this?  

To  be frank, I’d be every bit as  concerned at his lack of common sense awareness as at the thought of him missing the birth of your child.  

The follow up did not sound terribly reassuring.  

Post # 101
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@strawberriesandcream:  “Wow.  I can’t even.

In your situation, I’d tell him to make sure he packs real heavy for that graduation trip because he’ll need to make sure he has enough clothes to last not ever being let back into the house.

+1.

Post # 102
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

@Mrslovebug:  Eh, my Dad missed my brother’s birth because he had work, and when Mum thought she’d gone into labour with me, he asked her to make sure because he had a rugby match the next morning. Mum wasn’t bothered – she had her friend with her for it, and Dad was adamant he wouldn’t be going into the delivery room anyway, and he didn’t. And neither my brother or I are the worse off for it, because he’s right – the babies don’t remember it at all. As an adult, I’m not at all hurt that he wasn’t there.

Besides, it might not even be a problem – you could have your baby before then, or you could go overdue! He can’t put his whole life on hold for a two to four week span because the baby ‘might’ appear.

I can understand why this is bothering you, but I have to say, I see where he’s coming from. Hell, my FH has made it very clear that if we have kids, he won’t be coming in the delivery room, and frankly I’m not sure I want him there, so I suspect that’s why I can see what your husband’s getting at. But you need to tell him if it’s bothering you, because maybe he’s not aware how important it is to you to have him there. If he’s confident that it won’t bother him to not see the baby born, then he won’t realise you need him there, and he is right when he says the baby won’t even know. And it’s fine that you want him there for you – perfectly justified! But you do need to tell him that.

 

Edit: Just read your update about the logistics of it, and yeah it’s a bit different in that respect! Even if he wants to go to the graduation, he does need to be thinking about getting a contingency plan in place in case you do go into labour whilst he’s away. Do you have any family living near by who could be on ‘standby’ for that day? Or close friends? You could call them first when it happens, and then they could call your husband – that way you could get to the hospital and he could take the car and leave the graduation when he gets the call?

Post # 103
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@chronicwhimsy:  “As an adult, I’m not at all hurt that he wasn’t there.” – it’s not about you (the baby), it’s about the mother. Your mother didn’t want your dad there – fine. OP does want her husband there.

He can’t put his whole life on hold for a two to four week span because the baby ‘might’ appear.” – I strongly disagree. His wife is carrying the child for 9 months. He needs to put long trips on hold for the entire time baby might be born.

But I do agree with you that OP should make it clear how important it is for him to be there. It’s possible he’s never thought through that childbirth is painful and most women want their partner there.

Post # 104
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

View original reply
@paula1248:  Oh absolutely – I was just explaining my perspective on if I were in a similar situation. Other bees have said “If this were me, then…”, I was simply offering the same thing with a different point of view, playing devil’s advocate. 

 

 I totally respect that the OP wants her husband there, and agree that if that is what she wants then it needs to be clear with her husband.

 

I was just offering my thoughts on the matter – when I’m pregnant, I’m not going to spend the last month or so sitting around on the off chance the child appears, so I wouldn’t expect my husband to. And I’ll have chosen to carry the child, so that’s my responsibility – I could have gone other routes. But that’s ME, and that’s how I view it, because I tend to think about how bored I get, rather than the greater issues surrounding it. Absolutely I understand that for other women it wouldn’t be ‘twiddling thumbs’ it would be ‘being prepared and responsible’, which is totally right for them. There is no right or wrong answer this way, only what is right for each individual, and for what they want and need.

 

Post # 105
Member
6431 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
@chronicwhimsy:  “when I’m pregnant, I’m not going to spend the last month or so sitting around on the off chance the child appears, so I wouldn’t expect my husband to.”

There is a difference between expecting your husband to put his entire life on hold ie never leave your side, for a month, and between asking that he doesn’t take a 6 hour round trip around your due date.

I also think you might feel very differently when the time comes. Giving birth is dangerous: women still die. I find it shocking and appalling that in this day and age someone would be OK with not being there for their partner while she’s giving birth; especially for something like a graduation, taking place 3 hours away. Ridiculous.

Post # 106
Member
11735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@Mrslovebug:  with the update yah I’d be pissed.

you need to stand up for yourself am what you want and need! The fact you have no car and no family support is a huge deal! He needs to be around to take care of you. My husband plays basketball a few nights a week for an hour and it’s 15 minutes from our house. He asks me when I want him to stop playing so he can be around if I go into labor. I looked at him like he was nuts – he’s 15 mins away he can play until I have the baby. But the fact he considered it is the point. You’re husband is being selfish and inconsiderate.

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