(Closed) Husband complains about going to my family events

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
280 posts
Helper bee

amla:  Treat him like a child who doesn’t want to go to the grocery store with their parents, “If you’re good, I’ll buy you a candy bar.” Make it sounds like he’s going to get something out of it.

Other than that, tell him to put a sock in it! No one wants to hear his negativity!

Post # 3
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

What is his reasoning for not wanting to go? I’d start there.

 

Post # 4
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think that I am your Darling Husband in my marriage. My Darling Husband has a huge family and has family parties/gatherings MUCH more often than my family. They get extremely tiresome, especially since I do not feel comfortable/at home with his family. He wanted us to go on a family vacation with his family, and I did not want to go because it truly does not feel like a vacation for me- I can never relax, have to work to maintain conversation at all times with his family, we can’t go to dinner alone or do our own things, etc. We do not go on vacations with my family either.

If i were you, i would try to appease him by at least going out to dinner just the two of you and maybe spending a decent amount of alone time together while on vacation so that he can feel more like it’s truly a “vacation”.

Post # 5
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

How often do you go to family events or on family trips? Assuming he gets limited annual leave, I can understand that he might not want to spend it going on a trip with his in-laws more than once every few years. 

I think it’s fine for you to do some family things without him. It’s difficult to judge whether he is being unreasonable without knowing how much time you spend with your family. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  Drizzle.
Post # 6
Member
4087 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well…is it true? Will he be expected to help, and not given the chance to relax on his vacation?

I only get so much vacation time, and I expect to be able to capitalize on it and enjoy it instead of trvaelling to be unpaid help for someone. Especially after acting as chauffeur and chef to houseguests for two weeks straight.

Post # 7
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

My dad used to do this to my mom. It got to the point where she “let” him not go to everything. He was always present for the major holidays, but my mom and I went to some things (uncle or cousin’s birthday, for example) without him. 

Can you promise some down time where the 2 of you or just him will get some time to relax and not be obligated to help with whatever the event is? It sounds like the combo of having the visitors and this event back to back have him burned out, and I can understand why. 

Post # 8
Member
3225 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

amla:  What event are you going for? Why will he have to help? Since you allowed your friend to stay with you for an extra week without asking him, I would let him slide on this and give him the choice to stay home.

Post # 9
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

amla:  How often do you guys attend your family events and his family events? If there’s a huge disparity, then maybe that’s why he’s complaining. Also don’t take it personally, it’s never as comfortable hanging with in-laws and their family as it is with your own family.

I don’t like spending time with my husband’s parents. We’re spending a weekend in LA before our honeymoon, where his grandparents live with his aunt and uncle, and guess who’s joining us with no invitation? His parents. Needless to say, I’m not really happy about it. It’s our vacation even if we are going to visit his family once or twice. They had originally planned on going to LA in December. Nobody asked me if it was ok for his parents to join us for the same weekend.

Post # 10
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee

If my husband did not want to go (especially if you just had a friend who visited for 2 weeks straight), I would tell him to stay home.  In fact, who wants to be around someone complaining all the time?  Then again, I have never been with someone who I was attached to the hip to. I see nothing wrong with doing things separately, and yes, that does include family events.  He would appreciate it and be a happier husband.  I think that’s a better win.

If my family asked, I’d just make up a really vague excuse.  I doubt they will be that invested in the answer.

Post # 11
Member
788 posts
Busy bee

amla:  I want to ask a question because I do feel for your husband if his situation is similar to mine. I don’t complain about spending time with my SO’s family…but inside sometimes I complain to myself haha.

Do you have a LOT more family get togethers than your husbands side does? That could be what’s getting to him. We live in the same town as my SO’s family and we see them a lot more than I wish we did. Obviously he doesn’t feel that way…but that’s because it’s his family. I tried to be understanding as it isn’t his fault we live so close to his family and not mine and I know I’m also just a little jealous we don’t have the opportunity to see my family more. But could he be feeling this way? Maybe talk to him about it.

As for this trip…is there any way that you guys will get some time for just the two of you? Are you staying with family? Maybe suggest staying in a hotel where you two could get the down time he wants?

Post # 12
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

amla:  Ask him if there’s anything you can do to make the family trips better for him. Maybe staying in a hotel instead of at someone’s house, having fewer trips per year, or something else would make it better. If he says nothing will help then I’d say what if you just sit this one out? He might just be burnt out and need a break.

Post # 13
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

amla: I hear you! My husband complains every single time we have to go to one of my family or friend’s events, but and doesn’t really do it so much with his immediate family get togethers. To be fair, my family is much larger, are very close and tend to have A LOT of last minute get togethers even though we see his family more often (they come to us). In the past few years, he’s even started to complain when his friends want to do something so they all call me when they want to make plans haha. It became the big joke that he’s such a homebody and whiner unless people are doing something he wants to do. I have to basically bribe him to do anything LOL.

 

Post # 14
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

amla:  I think you just need to communicate how it makes you feel stressed out and hurt that he doesn’t want to be around you or your family, and that you two are a unit and should attend these kind of events together.

Also, I would try to limit the amount of events you agree to attend I used to make A LOT of plans and say yes to pretty much everything and that is when my husband started to drag his feet and whine about going to things. He would be perfectly pleasant and happy once he was there, but getting him to these places was a neverending whinefest and became an ordeal for the both of us.

Post # 15
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee

mandaluv1119:  +1

It was the same with my dad, which drove my mom crazy. Eventually she only started going to the events she wanted to attend (which was still pretty frequent) and nobody required an excuse apart from “she had to work” or “she’s tired and needed a chance to rest”. Nobody judged her for it.

OP should prioritize trips for her Darling Husband. Pick a few a year that mean more to her and have him visit with you for those, then give him an option for the others (and he can do the same for you). Nobody likes to be forced to spend their vacation time going somewhere/doing something they won’t enjoy.

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