Post # 1
Hi there bees,
My husband has been battling an addiction (not open to saying what it is at this point in time) but lets just say that he can’t find it in himself to always be honest with me and this has caused a lot of trust issues and a lot of hurt on my part and his part.
When it comes up (again and again)…he ends up getting really emotional and I almost feel as if I have to console HIM. Well….hes the one that broke his agreement and commitment to me.
Anyone else dealing with addictions of any kind in your relationship?
Its been a trying week….
Could use some encouragement.
Post # 3
I don’t have any advice, but just wanted you to know I feel for you and hope everything works out for the best. ((hugs))
Post # 4
No true addictions here that we’ve had to deal with, but my heart goes out to you. Please avail yourself of all possible support groups. It’s a test, but you can get through it. You may consider reading a book from Augusten Burroughs called “This is How…” It’s written by someone who knows all about addiction, emotional pain & recovery.
Post # 5
I understand the difficulty that you’re facing and if you want to pm me with any questions you may have….and I mean ANY.
I’m a recovering alcoholic and I have a healthy amount of sobriety under my belt (3 years in December.) I’ve been through an addictions programme and a family programme, which deals with co-dependence and living with an addict. I would suggest that you try and find a similar group for you to attend because you are going to need it.
It sounds to me as though your husband is stuck firmly in victimhood. He may well have been victimized at some point but his disease is going to keep him exactly where he is unless he truly wants to get well. And he has to want to get well for himself, not because you tell him he has to.
It’s going to be a long, hard process but it can be done, and I’ve seen several relationships and marriages make it through. First and foremost you need to protect yourself. The stronger you are emotionally, the better you will be able to support him in his recovery.
Let me know if you have any questions: I’d be happy to help in any way I can.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I do have some experience with this, let’s just say that I’m sure he didn’t want to lie to you…sometimes it’s shame keeping him from admitting it to you. I’m sure he loves you very much. Addiction is a disease and can control the BEST of people. The last thing in the world I’m sure he wants is to lose you, which is probably the reason for some of the lying. Perhaps you could help him get into a good local rehab program or AA program. That’s the best next step. xoxo
Post # 7
I have a junk food addiction, and it is really tough to shake, it is a vicious cycle for me: feel bad, eat bad food, feel worse, etc
I am seeing a psychiatrist for depression, and he says the addiction won’t go away until we get to the deep rooted issues that initially caused the depression, dating back to childhood.
It is a very long process.
Just be there for him, and support him, and encourage him to seek help. Feel free to PM me
Post # 8
Wish you luck!
My FI went through a program, not for his addiction, but because he grew up in a family with a lot of alcohol/drug addictions and abuse and so he had a lot of codependence issues. Its called “Breakthrough at Caron”. Its located in Pennsylvania and its a relatively short program. Its not a detox. Its meant for recovering addicts, codependants, victims of abuse, etc. to get out of the victimhood cycle and take responsibility and cope with what they’ve gone through.
It is a FANTASTIC program. Its in Pennsylvania, however, so I’m not sure where you live. I would look into something similar though. Its so helpful!
I would strongly suggest it though. I don’t know what his family situation is, but if he also has any family issues related to this it would definitely help.
Post # 9
@Jacqui90: No kidding…read Augusten Burroughs’s book “This is How”…before you go through extensive therapy. He makes some great points about therapy and he would know.
Post # 10
Is he attempting to deal with this alone and fix himself? Often times real addictions cannot just be done alone, a professional should be consulted.
Post # 11
While my DH does not suffer from addiction, both of my my parents were drug addicts.
First and foremost, please remember that it is a disease. Your husband does not mean to lie or break promises to you. It is the disease that controls him.
That being said, both of you need to seek help. Addiction is generally not something that one can handle on their own. My parents spent many years denying the fact that they had a problem. Sadly, until he is ready to seek help he really cannot be helped. In my case, it took my father watching my stepmother die from a drug overdose, losing his home, and losing his children before he sought help. On the upside, he has been clean for 5 years now.
If your DH is ready to seek help then I would strongly suggest in-patient treatment. As for you, I would suggest that you join Nar-anon or a similiar support group for families of addicts. We tend to enable those we love and support groups helps you to deal with the disease as well.
Post # 12
@lorie: Thanks 🙂 I am already seeing a psychiatrist for my depression but I will try to find that book as well 🙂
Post # 13
Thank you so much to everyone that has replied so far. Yes, we have both been seeking counseling. Went to premarital counseling in fact and the therapist there said to “pray and forgive” and “this is just a way that he unwinds from the daily stress of life”. I look back to that advice a month before I said “I DO” and tonight to think about it am almost livid. I trusted that counselor and he fed us nothing but crap. Fast forward to a year and 1/2 of marriage of second, third, fourth chances. Tears, remorse, forgivness, discovery, betrayal, hurt, sadness…
He is seeking individual and group therapy and I have been going to an individual therapist…wow what I married life I have lived. I feel cheated out of what I thought I had. While my friends post pictures on Facebook about buying cribs, having babies and buying houses….I hate the thought of thinking that is something I was so so secure and trusting in having and sharing with my husband and now I feel I may never want that for myself. This realiziation makes me very sad. I tried sharing this with my mom about a year ago…when I spent a night in a hotel trying to clear my head. I found out later from an aunt that my mom had shared the whole story with my extended family. I now do not talk to my mom, sister or my family about this because I feel so embaressed for what my/our life in reality is…my friends say “oh get over it and its nothing…” What??? Really???
This last week has been the very first time that I have even talked about it and I am so glad I posted on here. My dad was an alcholic and I was so so careful to avoid any type of drug/alochol addiction in what would be my life partner. Now I am smack dab in the middle of something I knew nothing about. Yes, he has tried to stop on his own, he has made promises and kept some but just this week I discovered he had relapsed. Thank you for the book rec’s and program rec’s as well!
If any other girls have experienced online cheating/affiars/cybersex/sex addiction with their SI please do share or PM me.
Forever grateful for your support….
Post # 14
@chacomom: So sorry that you’re dealing with this. PPs have given great advice here. Your counselor sounds like he needs continuing education in psychotherapy. I completely disagree with his stance on online sex addiction. “Just his way of unwinding” is not acceptable if you are uncomfortable with it and if it encroaches on your relationship. You should never arm an addict of any kind with such an excuse. Sex/cyber sex addiction is something that is hard to get over and restoring trust is a long road. You both would need to be committed to changing and forgiving. I do hope that you are soon able to restore some level of normalcy in your life, and that your husband gets the help he needs.