Husband decided he doesn't want a second child – ever.

posted 8 months ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

kristybee1109 :  You two need to talk to a third party about this. He is completely valid in his desire for 1 child and you are complete valid in wanting at least a second.

This is a tough cookie of a topic and you will need to talk this through properly, calmly and without any blame to each other. I strongly suggest finding a counsellor / mediator to help guide your discussions and provide a safe space for you to discuss this together.

Post # 3
Member
1121 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Oh bee. I don’t know what to say except I would feel the exact same way if I were in your position. I don’t really have any advice, I just came to give you support. Perhaps marriage counseling to get to the bottom of why he’s suddenly decided he only wants one child? 

 

*hugs*

Post # 4
Member
4987 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

You need to put yourself in your husband’s shoes too here, you say you would resent him if you didn’t have another child but if he truly doesn’t feel comfortable with another then he will resent you too.

It is possible when you started trying for baby 2 that he was willing to go through it for you but now that it is two years later he has grown used to the life you have and he realizes he doesn’t actually want a second. He began saying that one was enough several years ago, so while he did concede for a short time and ttc you have known that he wasn’t thrilled about the idea.

Ultimately you may be faced with a choice between your current family and a separation.  It’s a tough situation bee.   Perhaps you should put the idea of trying for another on the shelf while you discuss this further so he doesn’t feel pressured.  However you need to stop trying to guilt him about taking a brother or a sister away from your current child, that really isn’t fair. 

Post # 5
Member
954 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

kristybee1109 :  Im sorry your going through this this is a really tough spot to be in as I dont think either you or your husband are wrong

Yes you agreed to have a big family however that changes for many many people depending on how the first goes.. and if you said she had a rough first year then ya I can see why your husband does not want to go through that again.. however I think him letting you take medication and dealing with inferitility was very very cruel just to say no.. personally that is what I couldnt forgive not the second child thing

I think like another PP said, you need to find a counselor or mediator.. if you have an otherwise very happy marriage and one happy healthy child together.. is it really worth throwing that away? I dont know thats for you to decide but just a side note. I am a child of divorce, luckily my parent split when i was 18 so i was away in uni then an adult but my little brother who is 10 years younger… it was very difficult for.

Post # 7
Member
11625 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I’m very sorry. It sounds like he pulled a bait and switch on you. I don’t care what his reasons are, he agreed both before and after your first child despite knowing all along he was not on board. That is unforgivably deceptive. In addition to grieving the loss of the future you dreamed of, you’re also dealing with a betrayal of trust. 

Marriage counseling is a must but if you can’t come to terms it might be a deal breaker. 

Post # 8
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee

I think you need to attend counselling together to see if this can be reconciled. He is allowed to change his mind, just as you are too. It’s how you get past that together that is the problem – not his refusal to have another. 

You may have been happy as a one-of-three child and dreamed of that for your own daughter, but single children are very happy also. That comes from having happy parents, not how many siblings you have. I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on your 3yr old wanting a little brother or sister – the vast majority of little kids I know beg their parents for a younger sibling whether they are single children or not – it’s just a thing kids do. This is to do with you and your husband, not a 3yr old. 

Post # 9
Member
4987 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

anatheanalyst :  however I think him letting you take medication and dealing with inferitility was very very cruel just to say no.. personally that is what I couldnt forgive not the second child thing

I didn’t see that as him being cruel or malicious, or even purposely misleading the OP.  I seen it as him being willing to have the second because OP wanted to, even though he didn’t.  Then because they had been trying for two full years that confirmed in his mind that it wasn’t a burning desire of this and maybe he seen that as a sign that they were meant to have one.  Just a different perspective. 

Post # 11
Member
2367 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m so sorry you are in this position.  I found myself in a similar position when my husband told me he decided that he no longer wanted any children.  I was up front and clear before we were engaged that children were a non negotiable.  We ended up divorced 2.5 years into marriage. 

You are at a crossroads of staying married with one child or separating.  There is really no compromise when it comes to having kids.  

 

Post # 12
Member
4987 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

kristybee1109 :  I’m sorry I don’t agree with that.  As a 5 year old if she is praying and crying for a sibling it is because you are putting that in her head.  A child does not have to be lonely just because they are an only child.  There are plenty of only children who have completely fulfilling childhoods. 

You may be reading the situation differently when she plays with your friend’s children too, I have never experienced children only wanting to play with their own sibling and not other children.  Often times siblings actually reach a point when they don’t want to be friends because they are siblings, they want to carve their own way and forge their own relationships.

You are perfectly entitled to desire another child, but your child doesn’t need a sibling and she isn’t an “awkward 3rd wheel”, many times a sibling isn’t a built in best friend, that is something you are romanticizing. 

Post # 13
Member
954 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

zzar45 :  I can totally see what you mean, however just from what OP posted it seemed like he never did want the second in which case… I think he should have made that known. I can see how it may be if he was on fence and second came easy then ok fine but after tey started having issues I feel like it would be more honestl for him to open up maybe 6 or so months in not 2 full years

Post # 14
Member
11446 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

So, your husband willingly encouraged you to go through the physical demands, time and cost of fertility treatments for two years, all the while hoping they would not work? That is terrible.

It’s one thing to have changed his mind. It’s another thing entirely if he has been against having another baby all of this time, while pretending to be hopeful along with you.

I am so sorry. 🙁

I know it may not feel helpful, but try to remember that many others have had a similar dream but did not get to have any children. I hope the one you have continues to bring you great joy.

Post # 15
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

kristybee1109 :  In this situation nothing is fair. It is not fair to him to make him have another child he doesn’t want and it’s not fair to you that you can’t have the family you want. It seems as well that the universe stepped in to make it harder for you to have a second child.

Honestly, this is something you need help to sort out. But ultimately either one of you does something you don’t want to do in order to stay together or you break up.

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