Post # 1
Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted a big family. At least 3 kids. I grew up with two siblings and those were my favorite childhood memories. When my husband and I first met, we both agreed that we wanted a big family. He always talked about children. We got married and got pregnant with our first on our first try. Our daughter did have a rough first year, but it wasn’t TERRIBLE. After she was born, he started saying that one was enough and he didn’t ever want more children. I thought it was a phase and would pass as she got older.
Before her 3rd birthday, I brought to his attention that I really want another child. That I look at pictures of us and feel like something is missing. That our daughter has started asking about a brother/sister. He compromised and said he would make it just fine if we had another, so I stopped birth control and we started trying. It’s been nearly two years and nothing has worked – I don’t ovulate on my own anymore apparently.
This month, FINALLY the scans showed a treatment working. I was ovulating finally. That this was our month. What does my husband do? Refuse sex and suddenly spill out that he doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want another child. That we need to throw in the towel on that and I need to let it go. I had a long discussion with him, and this isn’t impulsive of him apparently. He’s never wanted more than 1. I feel betrayed, stabbed in the back, and I’m stuck grieving the loss of a child I never had.
My entire body hurts and I ache so badly for another child. I spent the past 2 years doing medication after medication. Planning on a future with 2 children. Envisioning what our next would look like – would he/she get my eyes this time? My daughter has been very involved in knowing that mommy and daddy were planning on having another baby. She is so excited and even prays about it. I have to take that from her now, too.
I should say “I’m happy having one child and a happy marriage”, but I don’t feel that way. I don’t envision a life with my husband anymore. I cannot imagine going through another 60 years with him and feeling the pain and resentment. I’m broken. All my dreams are gone that I’ve had since a little girl. My home will always be this quiet and lonely. I will only ever get this one baby.
Post # 2
kristybee1109 : You two need to talk to a third party about this. He is completely valid in his desire for 1 child and you are complete valid in wanting at least a second.
This is a tough cookie of a topic and you will need to talk this through properly, calmly and without any blame to each other. I strongly suggest finding a counsellor / mediator to help guide your discussions and provide a safe space for you to discuss this together.
Post # 3
Oh bee. I don’t know what to say except I would feel the exact same way if I were in your position. I don’t really have any advice, I just came to give you support. Perhaps marriage counseling to get to the bottom of why he’s suddenly decided he only wants one child?
Post # 4
You need to put yourself in your husband’s shoes too here, you say you would resent him if you didn’t have another child but if he truly doesn’t feel comfortable with another then he will resent you too.
It is possible when you started trying for baby 2 that he was willing to go through it for you but now that it is two years later he has grown used to the life you have and he realizes he doesn’t actually want a second. He began saying that one was enough several years ago, so while he did concede for a short time and ttc you have known that he wasn’t thrilled about the idea.
Ultimately you may be faced with a choice between your current family and a separation. It’s a tough situation bee. Perhaps you should put the idea of trying for another on the shelf while you discuss this further so he doesn’t feel pressured. However you need to stop trying to guilt him about taking a brother or a sister away from your current child, that really isn’t fair.
Post # 5
kristybee1109 : Im sorry your going through this this is a really tough spot to be in as I dont think either you or your husband are wrong
Yes you agreed to have a big family however that changes for many many people depending on how the first goes.. and if you said she had a rough first year then ya I can see why your husband does not want to go through that again.. however I think him letting you take medication and dealing with inferitility was very very cruel just to say no.. personally that is what I couldnt forgive not the second child thing
I think like another PP said, you need to find a counselor or mediator.. if you have an otherwise very happy marriage and one happy healthy child together.. is it really worth throwing that away? I dont know thats for you to decide but just a side note. I am a child of divorce, luckily my parent split when i was 18 so i was away in uni then an adult but my little brother who is 10 years younger… it was very difficult for.
Post # 6
zzar45 : I agree with this
Post # 7
I’m very sorry. It sounds like he pulled a bait and switch on you. I don’t care what his reasons are, he agreed both before and after your first child despite knowing all along he was not on board. That is unforgivably deceptive. In addition to grieving the loss of the future you dreamed of, you’re also dealing with a betrayal of trust.
Marriage counseling is a must but if you can’t come to terms it might be a deal breaker.
Post # 8
I think you need to attend counselling together to see if this can be reconciled. He is allowed to change his mind, just as you are too. It’s how you get past that together that is the problem – not his refusal to have another.
You may have been happy as a one-of-three child and dreamed of that for your own daughter, but single children are very happy also. That comes from having happy parents, not how many siblings you have. I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on your 3yr old wanting a little brother or sister – the vast majority of little kids I know beg their parents for a younger sibling whether they are single children or not – it’s just a thing kids do. This is to do with you and your husband, not a 3yr old.
Post # 9
anatheanalyst : however I think him letting you take medication and dealing with inferitility was very very cruel just to say no.. personally that is what I couldnt forgive not the second child thing
I didn’t see that as him being cruel or malicious, or even purposely misleading the OP. I seen it as him being willing to have the second because OP wanted to, even though he didn’t. Then because they had been trying for two full years that confirmed in his mind that it wasn’t a burning desire of this and maybe he seen that as a sign that they were meant to have one. Just a different perspective.
Post # 10
zzar45 : I’m trying to not guilt him for it – I know it’s not fair of me to want him to have a baby that he doesn’t fully want. It wouldn’t be fair to the child, either. But we have listened to our daughter (almost 5 years old) literally pray out loud for a baby sister. She is lonely, so lonely when we hang out with friends’ kids because those kids ALWAYS end up gravitating more towards their sibling. She’s the awkward 3rd wheel. I don’t think it’s fair either, to give up on the family that I wanted my entire life.
Post # 11
I’m so sorry you are in this position. I found myself in a similar position when my husband told me he decided that he no longer wanted any children. I was up front and clear before we were engaged that children were a non negotiable. We ended up divorced 2.5 years into marriage.
You are at a crossroads of staying married with one child or separating. There is really no compromise when it comes to having kids.
Post # 12
kristybee1109 : I’m sorry I don’t agree with that. As a 5 year old if she is praying and crying for a sibling it is because you are putting that in her head. A child does not have to be lonely just because they are an only child. There are plenty of only children who have completely fulfilling childhoods.
You may be reading the situation differently when she plays with your friend’s children too, I have never experienced children only wanting to play with their own sibling and not other children. Often times siblings actually reach a point when they don’t want to be friends because they are siblings, they want to carve their own way and forge their own relationships.
You are perfectly entitled to desire another child, but your child doesn’t need a sibling and she isn’t an “awkward 3rd wheel”, many times a sibling isn’t a built in best friend, that is something you are romanticizing.
Post # 13
zzar45 : I can totally see what you mean, however just from what OP posted it seemed like he never did want the second in which case… I think he should have made that known. I can see how it may be if he was on fence and second came easy then ok fine but after tey started having issues I feel like it would be more honestl for him to open up maybe 6 or so months in not 2 full years
Post # 14
So, your husband willingly encouraged you to go through the physical demands, time and cost of fertility treatments for two years, all the while hoping they would not work? That is terrible.
It’s one thing to have changed his mind. It’s another thing entirely if he has been against having another baby all of this time, while pretending to be hopeful along with you.
I am so sorry. 🙁
I know it may not feel helpful, but try to remember that many others have had a similar dream but did not get to have any children. I hope the one you have continues to bring you great joy.
Post # 15
kristybee1109 : In this situation nothing is fair. It is not fair to him to make him have another child he doesn’t want and it’s not fair to you that you can’t have the family you want. It seems as well that the universe stepped in to make it harder for you to have a second child.
Honestly, this is something you need help to sort out. But ultimately either one of you does something you don’t want to do in order to stay together or you break up.