Husband decided he doesn't want a second child – ever.

posted 2 years ago in TTC
Post # 77
Member
1264 posts
Bumble bee

OP, you mentioned that you told your daughter you’d have another baby when “God put it in your tummy.” If you truly do believe that your pregnancy is ultimately a result of the choices of God, then isn’t not having a baby [with your husband, since you CAN get remarried to another man and have more children] also a result of God’s choice or “path” for you? You can’t accept God’s choice to give you a child but not accept God’s choice to put you on this challenging path. Perhaps God doesn’t want you to have another child with your husband. 

Post # 78
Member
8225 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

While we’re at it, my parents have been SO excited and rooting for us this whole time to find a solution so they can have more grandbabies. I get to tell them, too, that there’s going to be no more for us. My aunts, uncles, his parents, etc that have all expressed wanting us to have baby #2 get to be affected by it.  

OP you seem to care more about what everyone else thinks than your own husband. 

Your parents, aunts, uncles, his parents, etc are NOT in your marriage, and are most certainly NOT more important than your husband. You say that you don’t use your own kid to guilt trip your husband, but instead it sounds like you are using the ENTIRE FAMILY to guilt trip him! That’s absurd!  

Post # 79
Member
3577 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I spent 2.5 years TTC my first. We had test and started treatment when I finally fell pregnant naturally. I know how painful an experience infertility is. When we started TTC my second I fully expected it to take years again and mentally prepared myself for my son to be an only child. I took the mind set that if I only get one, I got a perfect one who I love with all my heart. Focus on loving that one and if another comes it’s a blessing. 

I can imagine your husband might be feeling the same about now. Perhaps he’s thinking it’s time to focus on the one you have not the one you can’t have. 

Either way, the bed can’t give you the answers you seek. Only your husband can do that and you need a serious and calm conversations with him. 

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kristybee1109 :  

Post # 80
Member
415 posts
Helper bee

I am late to this party but I feel like I need to add my bit. My Mom wanted more kids. My Dad did not. It was a huge issue in the house and even 5 year old me picked up on it. I always felt less than becasue Mom wanted more kids and was so vocal about it. I could not help but think “I bet if I had a brother he would be better at ___.” 

Post # 81
Member
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

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kristybee1109 :  I truly am sorry you had to go through the fertility treatments, only to find out your husband didn’t want another child. I understand how wretched that must feel and I’d be upset too. But it still sounds to me like you’re using your daughter’s wish for a sibling to influence the decision.

Post # 82
Member
2199 posts
Buzzing bee

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DeniseSecunda :  this is a wonderful way of thinking in challenging situations while navigating the hands we are dealt; however, I don’t see that train of thought going over well :/ 

Post # 83
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

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jellybellynelly :  Yup this x1000. I’d like to see my SO try to tell me, after #1, “My aunt wants us to have more kids so…”

It *sounds* like OP’s husband didn’t want more kids but was going along with it because his wife did, all the while getting accustomed to having one child. Then reality set in and he realized he liked having just one. I can’t see him intentionally misleading her, because he put himself at risk of fathering another child (and put lots of $$ into it). I think he just changed his mind. Either way, communication needs to be had.

Post # 84
Member
6972 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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kristybee1109 :  “It affects everyone around you. While we’re at it, my parents have been SO excited and rooting for us this whole time to find a solution so they can have more grandbabies. I get to tell them, too, that there’s going to be no more for us. My aunts, uncles, his parents, etc that have all expressed wanting us to have baby #2 get to be affected by it.”

Who the frick cares what they want? You’re putting your distant relatives’ feelings over your own husband’s. If I were in his shoes I’d be really upset at how much emphasis you’re putting on other people’s wants (and they are just WANTS, not NEEDS). 

I am basically your husband in this situation. My husband and I always talked about having 2 kids. It was always going to be 2. Then I had our son and holy crap it’s been a lot more difficult than I ever imagined and I’m really really re-examining what I want in life right now. I’m currently thinking one and done is plenty! This doesn’t mean I’m pulling a bait and switch on my husband. It means this parenting thing is HARD and I’ve changed my mind. Thankfully, my husband is on board with whatever I decide. We’re a team and we’ve had a lot of very open and honest talks about this whole thing. 

What it sounds like to me is that you didn’t believe your husband the first time he told you he just wanted one. Which is sucky. It seems like right then was a good opportunity to have an honest discussion about this but instead you brushed it aside assuming he’d change his mind. 

Then you say “he honestly seemed to be okay with a second one” and it makes me think that he did this for you. He said “okay” because he knew this was something you really wanted and dreamed of your whole life. From the way you talk about it here, I can imagine he felt intense pressure and guilt from you (I’m not saying you did this consciously). 

So then you try for 2 years. Put in all this energy and time and money…and it doesn’t happen. Maybe he sees that as a sign, who knows. Maybe he’s exhausted and said something harsher than he meant to out of frustration. Maybe he feels that you’ve never really been listening to what he wants and how he feels. 

All this is to say that you two need to talk to each other. And listen! Really listen to the other person. And I’d definitely suggest counseling. This is a hard thing for any couple to go through. 

Post # 85
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Agree with PPs that you need to have a conversation with your husband.

And please really listen to what he says this time instead of “I thought it was a phase and would pass as she got older.”

Post # 86
Hostess
10490 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

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kristybee1109 :  HIPPO but…

What I don’t understand is WHY ON EARTH your husband allowed you to go through TWO YEARS of fertility treatments when the whole time it was never what he wanted. Why would he let you suffer month after month of having a BFN – drugs, tests, meds, money, emotional and physical pain – just to pull the rug out from under you.

Ignoring all the other stuff about your child’s desires, your husband is being CRUEL af. Why would he be complicit in everything you went through up until this point to FINALLY come clean?

I think that is one of your biggest issues. I’d be devastated too. Hugs.

Post # 87
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

She said he finally said he always only wanted one child. So he lied from the outset and let her go through two years of strenuous medical procedures, knowing all along he didn’t want them to work. I could never forgive him.

Post # 88
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

This happened in my first marriage. I felt incredibly deceived and tricked. And he would waffle back and forth, too, until he finally just flat out said no and wouldn’t change his mind. It is one of those issues that you can’t compromise on. Either you get your 2nd child and your husband resents you/the child or you don’t and you resent your husband. 

I will say, I held on for too long with my ex hoping that he would change his mind. I’m glad to know that I tried everything, but ultimately it was better for us to split. I’m now having my second child with my second husband, 5-6 years later than I had thought I would, but in a much happier relationship. 

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