Post # 1
Hey guys. Sorry this is long. I am a long time lurker and finally posting. I’m 35 years old, I have a 2 year old child and I’m pregnant with my second child. My husband is 38. We’ve been married for 6 years and together 9 years.
Basically when we started dating we had a general discussion (we both weren’t virgins) and we didn’t get into our “numbers” of sexual partners. We were both tested and we pretty much started dating exclusively immediately. That was the extent of our conversation about our sexual pasts. Maybe we should have laid everything out on the table but it didn’t seem like a big deal to him.
I was somewhat promiscuous in my early 20s. Not anything crazy but I had a number of partners before settling down in longer term relationships. I’m not proud of it but it’s my past and that’s not who I am now.
While I was asleep on Friday night, my husband decided to go through my phone, specifically my email (I’ve had the same email address since college). I’m not sure what he was looking for-I’ve never given him any reason not to trust me and he’s not really the snooping type but he found a few things. One email had some sexually explicit pictures of me and a boyfriend from 2004, and another was from me to a friend also from 2004 which outlined a couple of guys that I’d had sex with (really cringeworthy, don’t know why I ever sent that, and I had totally forgotten either had existed or I would have deleted them both long ago). Well my husband woke me up out of a dead sleep, telling me I was a disgusting whore. I had no idea what he was talking about. He’s not a name calling type so it was all bizarre. He ended up storming out of the house and staying with his friend that night. The only reason I found out what it was about was he emailed both to me that night so they were at the top of my inbox so I knew what he’d read. He came home yesterday not speaking to me except to say he’s divorcing me. I think he’s being absolutely ridiculous and I don’t think he actually will divorce me but he won’t talk to me and is sleeping in the guest room. He’s said 3 words to me since Friday night.
I think he’s being irrational especially since we never had a major discussion of our pasts and the fact that he went snooping while I was asleep. But he won’t talk to me. I suggested counseling and he laughed in this snarky way. We’ve always had a strong marriage and I don’t know what to think.
Anyone have any thoughts or advice?
Post # 2
It seems like a major overreaction…you never lied to him or cheated on him…I am sorry you are going through this Bee. He had no right to Snoop.
Post # 3
This is… strange to say the least. Sure I could understand him being unhappy about the pictures or reading anything about your sexual past; but this? His reaction is just out of proportion. You have a sexual past, so what?
It seems like he knew what he was looking for in your emails. Is there a chance these pictures have ended up online and his friends had seen them and told him about them?
All very strange. I’m sorry you’re going through this ☹️
Post # 4
If he was snooping as far back as 2004, it sounds like he was looking for a reason to end things anyway. I’m really sorry.
Post # 5
Uh, he can fuck himself. If those emails described events that took place while you were in an exclusive relationship with your husband, I could understand his reaction, but it happened long before you got together.
So many red flags here and unforgivable things – I don’t even know where to begin. The fact that he snooped your email is terrible, but his rage over the fact that you had sex with other people before him – somethng you never even tried to hide – is flatly insane.
Has he ever showed signs of being a controlling, jealous maniac before? I find it really shocking if this is completely out of the blue.
I don’t even know what advice to give you – I really feel for you having a child already and another on the way. But the LAST thing you should be doing is apologizing to him for any of this. You are not a “disgusting whore” becauase you had sex with people while you were single. Welcome to being a fucking human in the 21st century. I’m sure your husband did the exact same thing.
Do you have family nearby you can stay with right now or that could support you? I’m not even sure I want to suggest counseling – your husband sounds downright abusive and I don’t think counseling is a good idea in those situations. I don’t know bee – I’m just really sorry.
Post # 6
Huuuuge overreaction. It’s not even like he found out you participated in an orgy or something more “out there”, you have a normal sexual past.
My first thought is that he’s projecting and he snooped because he has something to hide. Whatever the reason, I’m sorry, Bee. Is couple’s counseling an option?
Post # 7
I really don’t know and I hope the pics aren’t online. It would be hard to identify the pics as me as there’s not really a close up of my face. He’s been a little different acting lately and I attributed it to his stressful job and the fact that we’re getting ready to sell our house. It could be that I was asleep and he saw my phone and decided to see what was in it? I really don’t know.
Post # 8
That was my first thought. He wants out and went looking for a reason
Post # 9
Ya I don’t buy it. 2004? That’s a bit desperate. He probably DOES want a divorce though and was happy to have found something he could throw at you. Plus the fact that you’re pregnant and he decided to go crazy on you, without thinking about how the stresa could affect you and your baby is insane. Id tell him no problem about the divorce, file the papers. Disgusting whore? He’s a f***ing psychopath waking you up, going behind your back and sifting through your email. I don’t think this is the first time he’s verbally abused you like that. I’d leave his ass asap. Who needs a loser like that in their life. He has 0 respect for you. Good luck.
Post # 10
Seems to me like she’s up to something himself. Hes definitely looking for a reason to leave and he had to go back 14 years to find it?!
Post # 11
We’ve had a pretty good marriage. He has shown signs of minor jealousy throughout our relationship. He hasn’t been abusive, and hasn’t been a name caller. He’s an amazing dad. We’ve had our ups and downs for sure and when we’ve fought before he shuts down and won’t talk to me which drives me crazy. But ultimately we have been pretty solid. Im really upset with how he’s handled this. And what his motive is I have no idea.
Post # 12
I told him to file. I’d rather that than to just be stuck in limbo where he won’t talk to me.
Post # 13
That’s so weird. I definitely think something else is going on with him. Maybe he’s cheating himself and lashing out at you as a pathetic way of coping with his guilt. I don’t know. But as pp said, what the hell made him snoop your emails from 16 years ago in the first place? People don’t just up and do that. Something is up and I bet it doesn’t have anything to do with you.
Next time you talk to him, please try not to apologize. You should be the one demanding an apology and explanation from HIM, not the reverse. I would tell him that if he actually wants to divorce you over this, he can be your guest, because it says a lot more about him than it does about you.
Post # 14
Are you sure he isnt cheating himself? If not sexually then perhaps emotionally or financially, or he is just looking for an out. Based on anecdotal evidence, the ones who go digging and flinging accusations are projecting and deflecting because they themselves are guilty of something.
A divorce may be a blessing. I’m not saying you shouldn’t necessarily try to figure things out first, but simultaneously go through your bank accounts with a fine tooth comb, open a separate savings, and get yourself yourself tested for S T Ds.
Post # 15
I kinda feel like he is up to something or he decided he wants a divorce. That’s the only rational explanation