(Closed) Husband discovered some things about my sexual past and now wants a divorce

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
2915 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2006

My knee jerk reaction was to think he’s cheating himself. Men (and women) often project when they’re doing something wrong and think their partner is doing it too. Honestly, I’ve experienced it first hand. 

If he’s not cheating, he’s bat shit crazy. Who holds something like that from BEFORE YOU EVEN MET over your head. I mean, waking you up from a dead sleep to call you a whore? Come the fuck on. Get real. I’d call his bluff too. Let him explain to all your friends and family why he’s doing it and watch them all laugh in his face and tell him what a douche canoe he is. Everyone has a past, him included. 

Something else is going on here. There’s much more to it than what he’s telling you, and if not, he’s insane and you don’t want him around you OR your kids anyway. The truth will come out soon enough. Hang in there, Bee! ❤️

Post # 17
13749 posts
Honey Beekeeper

When and if he calms down you need to insist on counseling.  Either something else is going on, he’s got major issues he’s managed to keep hidden from you all this time, or this is a symptom of something new.  It could be he’s overwhelmed with stress or a combination of the above. I’m very sorry this is happening to you, especially now. 

Post # 18
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016


View original reply
michellelynn9175 :,  My first thought, as well, was that he’s cheating and was looking for an excuse to blow things up & make you be the reason that “things aren’t working”. 

If i were you, i’d be booting his ass out for 1. Searching through your emails 2. Calling you a whore 3. Just being an ass. 

It’s obvious that he’s actually done something majorly wrong in the relationship… I’d explore whether there’s a chance he’s cheated. 

Post # 19
3225 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
sciencegirl916 :  do you have any issues together in the bedroom? If so, could be an area of insecurity for him.  (No justification for his behavior though)  Otherwise,  I would think he is just looking hard for a way out of your marriage…

In any event,  he is wildly inappropriate and you should shut his insulting shlt down….

Post # 20
1537 posts
Bumble bee

Snooping is never okay, but I can maybe understand a moment of insecurity. But going through over 10 years is looking for something. My instict before him cheating was that he has heared something and now went looking for it. Going through so many messages takes time, so I feel he was using the search function.

Also, that was such a weird over reaction. It’s not like he found anything that a lot of people have done. Maybe if you had lied about being a virgin and now he found out that you have been a prostitute in gangbangs, then his reaction would have been appropriate. There is something else going on here.

Post # 21
1978 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’d be very surprised if he wasn’t cheating (emotionally or sexually). 

Post # 22
4925 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Oh my goodness OP! I’m so sorry you are going through this. 

I too agree with PPs. To go through someone’s email and to go back that far into 2004 after being together for so long makes absolutely no sense. If he really didn’t trust you or was a person to snoop he would of done something like this long ago. The point that you’ve noticed a slight change in him and the dedication to go back 15 years into someone’s email points to him looking for a way out. It ties in with his change of behavior and that maybe he’s projecting his behavior on you and is possibly looking for an out where he can negate any guilt he might be having.

By any chance, did your friend to whom you sent this email tell him about this email for some underhanded reason with the aim of setting off a bomb within your relationship? It just sounds so random that he’d come upon that email and the other seeings as they were a lifetime ago.

Either way he shouldn’t have snooped and he had no right to call you something so terrible because you had a sex life before him. Its not like you lied about having had sexual relationship in your past. He had some too so it’s really uncalled for. He’s also creating stress to a pregnant woman carrying his baby. That is beyond terrible.

I’m glad you told him to file because he’s being an asshole and if he truly believes such terrible things about you, then that is no marriage worth having. Something is definitely up with him and I’d be trying to find out what because I have a feeling he’s keeping big secrets from you. 

Post # 23
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

My first thought is he ran into one of your ex lovers or a friend of one. And they ended up talking about you and your past. He knew to look for those pictures because someone told them they existed. And he was probably embarrassed which caused the overreaction. Give him some time to process this new information. In the meantime, start devising an exit strategy in case he wants to follow through with the divorce.

Post # 24
6176 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Btw. Change all of your passwords ASAP. 

Post # 26
629 posts
Busy bee

Could he be having mental health issues? Drugs? This is scary behaviour.

So sorry you are going through this, especially while pregnant. 

Take care of yourself and your babies ❤️

Post # 27
775 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I’m pretty appalled by the fact that he’s acting this way with a child in the house over something so ridiculous. I don’t have much more to add than what’s already been said, but I’m sending you hugs bee because you do not deserve this. 

Post # 28
13749 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Has your husband become extremely conservative or religious over the years? Did the email express anything that he might take, shall we say, personally?  No excuses or justification of course, but trying to make any possible sense of it. 

Post # 29
475 posts
Helper bee


View original reply
bettydraper23 :  I agree! There’s no way that he just went snooping without provocation if he doesn’t have a history of snooping. I feel like he most definitely knew what he was looking for when he went thru your phone. 

I’m so sorry this is happening, bee. Especially right now with a young child and a little one on the way. I would be planning the swiftest exit if I were you. His behavior sounds completely unpredictable at this point. 

Post # 30
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Seeing as you can rule the pics out of the equation, then I have to agree with the PPs: he’s either cheating and projecting or something else is seriously up.

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