(Closed) Husband discovered some things about my sexual past and now wants a divorce

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 46
Member
204 posts
Helper bee

Nope. Not interested in being with a man who is so desperate to find a reason to hate me he will read through 14 years of emails, going years beyond when we first met, just to wake me up and call me terrible names.

The fact this is all allegedly because he wants more blowjobs does not make it better. And honestly makes me that much more suspicious he is cheating (after all he had now established you apparently aren’t satisfying him enough).

Fuck that noise. Kick him out and get checked.

Post # 47
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

He’s acting really irrational and I have a hard time believing he’s not projecting…especially if he apparently feels unsatisfied in the bedroom. If he thought you were cheating, why would he go all the way back to 2004 emails? Unless he just went down a rabbit hole…

To play Devil’s advocate for a minute, it can be really hard to directly face your SO’s past. It’s one thing to acknowledge a past and brush it off, but to SEE the past convos and the pics can feel like you’re experiencing it. If he woke you up in the middle of the night, he was clearly reacting on his initial reaction of jealousy without really thinking it through…although I don’t understand why he’s held on to that feeling for so long. 

I’m sorry bee, I hope you can both work this out! 

Post # 48
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’m sorry, this is not a story about your husband finding out something from your past and wanting a divorce.

 

This is a story about how after nine years and a child together, you are finding out your husband still only sees you as a sex dispenser. If you are not dispensing sex often and how he likes it, he needs to search for defect so he can return it and get a new one.

 

He called you a disgusting whore, left for the night and threatened to destroy your child’s family all because he feels he’s not getting enough blowjobs.  He got mad because he knows the 25 year old version of you did give blowjobs and the version he has in front of him now does not (often).

 

Your years together and the family you built together mean not alot, apparently.

 

Please don’t think for a minute this is about your past, other than the fact your husband can’t accept he is not married to a 25 year old with a 25 year old’s lack of responsibilities and high libido. You do not need to be ashamed of that woman, and you do not need to aspire to be her again.

 

What does he imagine will happen if he gets his divorce? That there will be a line of 25 year old nymphets (disgusting whores, all of them) lining up to offer him blowjobs? How’s he going to fare in the dating world with that level of entitlement?

Post # 49
Member
2561 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

This makes me even more certain that he’s cheated. You don’t logically go from less blowjobs=email search. Obviously, you two have been having sex (cuz you’re pregnant) but it appears as if he’s been at least sexting or having some inappropriate relationship on the side. 

Post # 50
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry you are going through this bee. This is literally the last thing you need right now. 

I think at best, he’s wildly immature and also unsatisfied with your sex life and doesn’t know how to communicate that. 

At worst, he’s up to something and trying to cause trouble to get out of the marriage but make it your fault. 

Good luck bee, whatever you decide to do. If everything else has been good up until this point then couples therapy could be worth it. xoxox

Post # 51
Member
10542 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

There are so many layers of fucked up behavior here on his part, it’s hard to even know where to start. His “apology” doesn’t help at all. If what he were saying was true – he felt you had changed, he was unsatisfied with your sex life going through your emails (almost 15 years back) is an insane and unhealthy way to addres those concerns. Why would he jump to you cheating instead of just talking to you about how he’s feeling? An inability to communicate and jealousy issues are the best case scenario here and that’s not good.

I would be demanding couples therapy if I could forgive him calling his pregnant wife, mother of his child, partner for 9 years a disgusting whore not to mention the huge violation of privacy. There’s a lot of pretty hard to forgive (if not impossible to forgive) shit going on with him.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this situation OP. I hope you can find a path forward that gives you peace, I honestly don’t know what I would do.

Post # 53
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Why is HE giving YOU the silent treatment? Hmm does not add up. There’s something else going on but not sure what. 

My husband and I never have had any sort of numbers discussion at all, ever in our relationship. Most likely because we were in our mid-late 20s when we met. It’s been a non issue. I literally have no idea it’s its 4 or 14. After 6 years together I can’t even imagine it mattering. I find it hard to believe that this is the only thing that upset him. 

Post # 54
Member
614 posts
Busy bee

Your husband is acting like an absolute immature asshole & I also can’t understand why HE is giving you the silent treatment – it just doesn’t freaking add up. There is something else going on but i’m not quite sure what. 

 

Post # 55
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I can think of only 2 reasons for his behavior:

 

1. He wants to leave and is working himself up to righteous indignation to rationalize to himself the shittiness of leaving his pregnant wife with whom he already has a young child

 

2. He knows he’s fucked up, and he has no intention of leaving you, but rather than just apologizing and groveling, he’s still acting like an asshole so when he decides to “forgive” you, he’s hoping you’ll be so grateful that you’ll be more willing to sweep it under the rug and move on instead of holding him accountable for his atrocious, appalling behavior. Does he have trouble apologizing or admitting he’s wrong in general? 

 

At this point you should not forgive him until, at bare minimum you get three things 1. An apology (that does not contain the word “but”- ie I’m sorry but you.. 2. Full acknowledgement that he was 100% in the wrong to go through your phone and judge you for things that are none of his fucking business, and certainly to verbalize that judgement, and 3. A clear plan for resolution which probably involves some fucking aggressive therapy for his raging insecurity and inferiority complex.

 

I am livid for you and I don’t even know you.  

 

 

Post # 56
Member
204 posts
Helper bee

I honestly don’t see the point of counseling.

Counseling is for two people who want to improve their relationship. He seems pretty determined to end yours in a fiery ball of insanity.

Post # 57
Member
13606 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I would turn this around on him so fast. How dare he? It’s only because of your child and the one you are expecting that he’d get any chance at all to make this right. If he’s not completely sincere, remorseful and committed to working on his issues then I can’t see how to move ahead. If he refuses or anything like this verbal and emotional abuse were to ever happen again, that would be it.

He’s complaining about you being distracted even before the pregnancy as if you didn’t also have a 1-2 year old, a home and or a job. The appropriate approach to feeling a little distant from your spouse is not to threaten divorce over 14 year old emails, it’s to make more time to be together as a couple.

Post # 58
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

What the actual fuck. How much time does it take to read through 14 years worth of emails? Wouldn’t you stop after idk maybe 5 if you didn’t find something suspicious? And that’s completely ignoring the fact that he shouldn’t be doing this anyways.

Im so sorry but this isn’t a good sign. There could be a multitude of things going on here but it seems like he was looking for something wrong to get angry at you and get out whatever feelings he’s feeling. That is an unhealthy way to deal with your emotions and he needs to get into individual therapy and couples counseling if you are gracious enough to continue to be with him. He owes you a hell of an apology. 

Post # 59
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
mepayne :  I kind of thought this too.

Maybe he has something to hide and is feeling guilty and now he’s going to take it out on you? What a dumb reason to throw a marriage away for. Unless he did somehting wrong or is DEEPLY insecure about something.

Post # 60
Member
1593 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I am completely disgusted in your husband.  

PP had great points and I don’t want to repeat those.  I just wanted to add, I’m not sure what you’re like but I’m a peacekeeper.  My dh had a habit when I was mad at him to then be mad at me for being mad, and give me the silent treatment, until I wanted everything to be okay again so bad that I would sweep my original grievance under the rug.  

Do NOT let your husband trick you into you being the one to apologise, or otherwise make nice.  You should be absolutely furious at his behaviour and he should be doing his best to show you how wrong his behaviour was.  If he’s not doing that then as far as you know he doesn’t think he’s wrong and to me that is relationship ending.  His behaviour was and is disgusting and wrong on so many levels. 

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