(Closed) Husband discovered some things about my sexual past and now wants a divorce

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 91
2855 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

<u>sciencegirl916 :</u>  I am so sorry you are going through this.

Did he say anything when he decided to go and stay with his brother? There must be something else up with this.

krissymichelle070 :  I suspect OP forgot those emails were there. I don’t think everytime you get into a relationship you have to go back and delete the past. I have NO idea what emails I have from 2004 (I was with hubby then but still) I am not going to spend time deleting all those emails.

Post # 92
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

krissymichelle070 :  “All previous relationship thing should be deleted/ removed from your life to start new & fresh with someone and to Let go of the past.”

Really? You really think it’s necessary to dig through 20 odd years of email history and delete every trace of every romantic encounter you ever had before meeting your spouse? I think this is insane and would never expect anyone to do it. I have plenty of old correspondence with exes deep in my email that I’m sure my husband could dig up if he really was that snivellingly insecure about our relationship, but him doing so would say a lot more about him than it would about me. The fact that I never deleted all that shit is purely a matter of laziness/having more important shit to do in my life – it has nothing to do with not being able to “let go of the past” – and I assume the same is true of the vast majority of people who don’t obsessively prune their email all the time.


Post # 96
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

sciencegirl916 :  Seriously don’t blame yourself for the email thing bee. I just looked at my gmail – it goes back to 2006 and I have nearly 60k emails in there. I never delete anything from my personal email lol…I’m sure there are plenty of old “bombs” in there from college, grad school, and early 20s escapades.

Post # 97
1206 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

I’d be so fucking bewildered and angry. Like, get the fuck outta here with those sad insecurities and completely ruining everything! He needs help, like, right now. I’m really proud of you for just kicking him out because that is ridiculous.

Post # 99
2290 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow, he’s really doubling down, huh? You need time apart because he’s just now realized you have a sexual history before him? A history which has no relevance on your life together now.


I know you said up until a week ago, he was a good husband and father but I just can’t see how he went sideways so quickly.


I mean, either he wants out, and wants to be the innocent party so badly he’s going through this charade of wounded husband which makes no sense, or this whole thing is an elaborate farce so that when he does deign to “take you back”, you’ll be so relieved at not going through a divorce that you will be begging him for sex and validation going forward, lest your disinterest ever cause him to consider leaving you again. I mean, that’s some sociopath level mind games right there, which I don’t believe an average joe is capable of carrying out.


In all your time together, have you noticed times when he seemed extremely manipulative? When he did something wrong but it was still someone else’s fault? Does he seem to regard women with lots of sexual experience as immoral or damaged goods? Does he seem to respect women?



Post # 101
2855 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think it’s time for the shit or get off the pot talk. No more messing around, he either apologised for being a dick and agrees to work on gaining for your forgiveness or he moves forward with divorce. He seems to have decided to check out of this new child’s life toosciencegirl916 :  

Post # 102
4205 posts
Honey bee

OP I understand your hesitation to visit a lawyer, but by now you see that your husband plays dirty. God knows what nasty tricks he’s got up his sleeve and frankly I’d suspect the worst of him. I would not be at all surprised to find that he’s retained a lawyer. 

And you have to get over this “he was a good husband and father” thing. Doing what he did precludes him from the category of good. I don’t believe that people change overnight. I’m willing to bet there were signs you didn’t want to see, times where he’s done the wrong thing and been unapologetic and things that you had no idea were going on. As a husband he sucks, and as a parent he’s merely adequate.

Post # 103
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

It does seem a bit odd that he just randonly went through your phone…I’m wondering if something provoked him….and why he waited until after you all were married to care so much. I personally think he just wasn’t happy for whatever reason and just needed a way out, he didn’t want to look like the bad guy for ending it so he found a way to make you seem like the bad one. Who’s to say his sexual past isn’t worst, you would never know.

Good luck bee.

Post # 104
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

sciencegirl916 :  

I never advise women to stay with a man because of the difficulty or “hes a good father” / time invested in relationship…(I work in a DV centre so definitely coming from that intense perspective)

But I do think a few Bees need to calm on the divorce advice. Its completely up to you and there is nothing wrong with giving this time amd seeing what can be salvaged… this thread isnt even 24hours old. Im am truly sorry you are dealing with and especially in your condition.  

Definitely get some legal advice, reach out to family n friends and get to the bottom of his issue here because its so over the top most bees i think are right here (and you posted it didnt sit well) he needs to come clean on whats going on- 

depending how u feel please change your passwords and ensure you have a seperate bank account or watching your accounts. Ihave so much experience of men immediately withdrawing funds when they are exiting relationships even with mortages and bills they seem to not care if they suffer repercussions as well -.-

again Im coming from an extreme perspective so do what feels right x

Post # 105
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Well he got his get out of jail free card and he’s using it! Don’t blame yourself for ANYTHING. I have emails from exes going back to the 90s and they’re like 2000 pages back lol, never deleted them and I know they’re there. But if my husband ever went behind my back and combed through my inbox like yours did and woke me up in the middle of the night while I was PREGNANT, threatening me with divorce and calling me a whore he would regret it. There are definitively bigger issues behind his sudden behavior and his staying at his brothers. A man who doesn’t get enough BJ’s doesn’t run to his brothers. Sorry you’re going through this but prepare yourself for anything and expect the worst. Put yourself and your babies first, don’t let him ruin your life.

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