(Closed) Husband discovered some things about my sexual past and now wants a divorce

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 106
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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sciencegirl916 :  This is so fishy, Bee. You did nothing wrong. I have emails going back decades. Why isn’t he thinking about the fact that you have a child together and one on the way? 

Document anything financial, change your passwords, take your house off the market. When you speak to a lawyer ask what you can do to prevent your husband from sharing the photo or anything else he found while snooping through your personal communications. Hugs.

Post # 107
Member
2228 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

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sciencegirl916 :  Has he offered to show you HIS phone and email?? This whole thing is just 1000% bullshit. 

PPs have mostly already expressed my take on this; anyone going back that far was looking for something to throw a fit about. I have no idea if he’s seeing someone else, though that would be my suspicion. His fixation on the lack of blowjobs (THE HORROR!) further cements this impression. 

Does he not realize how nauseating being pregnant is at this stage? Maybe he WANTS you to throw up on his junk? 

Even if you want to give him ALL the benefit of the doubt that exists and say he hasn’t cheated or considered it, he has shown himself to be EXCEPTIONALLY immature and a bad partner. I’d have a really hard time wanting to be married to someone who acts this way, even if he’s innocent on all other counts. Which, probably not. 

I’m sorry Bee. This is a wretched place to be, through no fault of your own. 

Post # 108
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

OP – I am so sorry you’re going through this. It is so sudden and out of the blue and just….extreme. On his part. He’s willing to blow up his entire marriage over some e-mails from long before you even knew him? I agree with the other bees that something larger is going on, and unless he’s willing to be totally honest about what that larger thing is, I don’t know how you salvage this. I would have lost all trust when he woke me up screaming and calling me a whore, if I were you.

Focus on yourself and your child, I don’t see why you need to do anything dramatic right now, but I would definitely make sure you’re protecting yourself financially in the event that he tries to clear out the bank accounts. 

Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and while newly pregnant. Such a devastating blow to what you thought was a stable life with your family. 

Post # 109
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

If anything, you should go and see a lawyer asap. Not necessarily for divorce but, as others have said, to find out how you can protect yourself and what, if need be, your next steps should be.

Please document all financials, especially if you have joint accounts, and change all your passwords.

Post # 110
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Bee, I’m so sorry. He is WAAAYYYYY overreacting. You should not feel the least bit ashamed of your past. You’ve done nothing wrong.

I’m not proud to admit it, but I’ve snooped on my FH’s phone before. I found some private emails from his ex girlfriend from before we were together(no photos, but definitely dirty talk.) Sure, they made me feel insecure. And guilty for invading his privacy. In the end, I wish I hadn’t seen them, but it was MY OWN FAULT FOR SNOOPING. I never once mentioned them to him because he did absolutely nothing wrong, and if I brought them up I would just make him feel like I don’t trust him (which isn’t the case at all, I’m just nosy and insecure.)

Bottom line is, either your husband has gone off the deep end, or he’s been looking for a reason to get out. Again, I’m so sorry. I truly wish you the best.

Post # 111
Member
1758 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club

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sciencegirl916 :  Bee, is this something you want your little ones exposed to? kids are SMART! and they dont deserve to see their mama being treated like this, and think that its ok for a man or ANYONE to treat their partner like this. A separation/divorce shows that its plausible to keep a family safe. you need to keep yourself and the little ones emotionally and mentaly safe. 

Post # 112
Member
3247 posts
Sugar bee

You couldn’t pay me enough to stay married to this fool. 

Post # 113
Member
5992 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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MsPlucky :  20 million dahhlas?? Lol.

Post # 114
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee

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sciencegirl916 :  I am SO SORRY that this poor excuse for a man is the father of your son and your unborn. I really am so sad that you’re anchored to this man in any way. He sounds so toxic and, quite frankly, fucking insane. He’s so insecure and is a poor excuse for a human being to do this to you and act like things are in ANY WAY your fault. 

Post # 115
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee

Lol I feel like I always suggest snooping, I don’t though, I just think it’s warranted in situations like this. 

I would go through all his stuff and see if you can get an idea of what’s going on. He’s sure as hell not going to tell you.

xo

Post # 116
Member
9263 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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sciencegirl916 :  His behavior doesn’t make sense, and when something doesn’t make sense it is always because there’s missing information. In this case, I agree with a lot of the bees that the missing info is probably that he’s cheating/thinking of cheating/otherwise checked out and was looking for a way to make you the bad guy. I can’t even imagine your shock and sadness. And confusion. I really hope you understand that this is not your fault. You do not need to apologize for having a sex life before you met him, or for not feeling up to him dick-tickling your uvula when you can barely force a saltine down for actual nutrition for you and your fetus. What an asshole. 

Post # 117
Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

lets say he really is upset of the sex thing and not from something he may be hiding… ultimately if he does decide to leave, what the heck is he gonna do with the next women he dates.. demand they tell him every one of their sexual experiences and then demand the same treatment or they’re a whore in his eyes. That man is gonna end up very single and very lonely…

Post # 118
Member
3380 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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Kslim13 :  Henry VIII did that. After he beheaded Katherine Howard for having affairs and not being a virgin when he married her, he made it illegal to not fully disclose your sexual past to the king.

OP has he spoken to you yet?

Post # 119
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

OP, there is someone else. Men don’t just get up and want divorce out of the blue. Him bringing up emails from 15 years ago is just a way to justify him wanting to leave. I am also suspicious why he went to stay with his brother so quickly. If you can, pull up his cell phone records and facebook. I am almost 100% sure there is someone else, maybe not to a point of physical cheating, but he’s emotionally invested.

Post # 120
Member
597 posts
Busy bee

I would go through ALL of his shit. Phone, emails, cellphone records.

Bc he is definitely up to something. Men just don’t get up & want divorce out of the blue. I am also really suspicious of the fact that he went to stay w/ his brother so quickly!

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