(Closed) Husband discovered some things about my sexual past and now wants a divorce

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 121
Member
1786 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club

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sciencegirl916 :  hi bee. how have you been doing these past few days? hope youre doing ok. we are all here for you

Post # 122
Member
3145 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Regardless of what his actual motivations are, the way he is treating you is completely unacceptable and his doubling down on trying to make you the bad guy makes it even worse. He is being utterly cruel in his manipulation and it doesn’t even matter what the motivation is for it. There is absolutely nothing that could justify the things he has said and done in the last few days.

Snooping through your email was unjustifiable.

Going back an entire 14 years was unjustifiable.

Getting angry at you for things you did years bfore you even met him was unjustifiable.

Calling you a disgusting whore was unjustifiable.

Blaming YOU for his actions and reactions by saying you don’t give him enough blowies was unjustifiable. 

Giving you the silent treatment was unjustifiable.

Literally, any ONE of these things alone would be enough for me to be walking the fuck away. Taken together though? They absolutely SCREAM run the fuck away!!

You said he’s been manuipulative in the past and done the whole acting the victim when he’s wrong thing before. It sounds like you brushed that stuff off because it seemed small, and it probably was (so to be clear, I’m NOT blaming you). But this? This isn’t small. This can’t be brushed off. And this, taken together with the “little” things show a pattern of behaviour that you cannot accept. Please do not accept it.

I would be very hesitant to consider couples therapy with someone like this because more likely than not, he will use the opportunity to learn how to manipulate you even further. 

If this was truly out of the blue and truly about the lack of BJs, and he otherwise was happy and in love with you and respected you as a person, he wouldn’t have done the horrible things he did – he would have sat you down to TALK about it. 

I know it’s hard, especially because you have kids, but I just don’t see how there can be any coming back from this that doesn’t involve you having to accept things that are unacceptable and allowing yourself to be walked over. Is that what you want for your life? For your kids?

Post # 123
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

Personally I gotta disagree. If I was in her shoes and he turned around and deeply genuinely apologised, provedhe was not cheating himself, got himself into therapy and did a deal of sucking up I could rebuild that trust and relationship. This is a decade long relationship, married and committed with a young family.

He was so wrong but people have been forgiven for worse and if its possible to salvage….

But totally up to Bee and whats in her heart/what she is ready to deal with. Not gonna be easy either way that’s for sure.

Post # 124
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2006

Theory: he was looking for an out because there is someone else. He told said someone else that the marriage was ending and it didn’t work out.  Husband comes crawling back like a dog. Kick him to the curb. You deserve better.

Post # 125
Member
702 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Iowa

I haven’t read through all the responses, but since there are going to be 2 kids involved, and this is out of the norm for him, I wouldn’t be rushing to divorce. I’m hoping that these few days apart will make him come to his senses. It does sound like this is stemming from a deeper place and I will say that my DH complains about not getting bj’s and sex as much as he likes anymore either – after 2 kids. He feels like I don’t love him as much or aren’t attracted to him, and I’m just tired – when I get time without the kids I want ME time! So I think there needs to be a deeper discussion about that, DH and I actually struggled with that for awhile and the best help has been him starting anti-anxiety meds. Therapy would be a good place to start!

I hope the two of you can work this out, best wishes.

Post # 126
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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sciencegirl916 :  Wow, he’s projecting. This is total gaslighting on his part. I am convinced that he is messing around with someone else and trying to place all the blame on you. 

Post # 127
Member
1527 posts
Bumble bee

Assumin this is the truth. I’m trying to imagine the conversation with his brother. “I’m here because my wife is not who in thought she was. She was a disgusting whore in the past and I can’t look at her the same” “that’s terrible. What happened? I’m so sorry” “q4 years ago. So 5 years before we met she sexted a guy. Also I no longer get a bj whenever I want”.

I’m so sorry this is happening. I’m not gonna advice on divorce. We only know small parts.. This is all new so take a minute to think before deciding what to do.

Post # 128
Member
6 posts
Newbee

Oh boy. It sounds like he has some major masculine anxieties about you being a sexual person. 

These problems probably run deeper than just an over-reaction. This sounds like a conflict of values regarding sexuality. 

I wouldn’t immediately assume he was “looking for a reason to be mad at you,” though it’s a possibility. Some people just can’t help but to snoop when curious, especially since you two never talked about your sexual past. It’s not a cool thing to do, but it happens. 

I’d say get ye to a therapist. And bring him along, if possible. 

Post # 130
Member
9830 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

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shine123 :  Um, what? That’s quite the leap from finding an email about partners from 10-15 years ago.

Post # 131
Member
5158 posts
Bee Keeper

 

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shine123 :  Are you high? Or just rude af?

If it “destroys” a husband’s mind that he snooped back years in her phone and discovered that his wife was sexual before he met her, he doesn’t have much of a mind to start with. I’m sure you can empathize with that condition.

Post # 132
Member
5751 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

“Who he doesn’t know” What? I didn’t know future husband’s needed to vet your previous sexual partners…

You’ve made quite the leap to him having to watch her blowing and banging, for a prude your mind is really low in the gutter. 

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shine123 :  

Post # 133
Member
576 posts
Busy bee

Yeah he was probably just looking for a reason because that’s ridiculous. I would be surprised if there was something or someone else (purely based on your post, I obviously know nothing about your life).

He can go ahead and file, I’d like to see how it’s going to look in court with him leaving you when you’re pregnant. 

Post # 134
Member
4098 posts
Honey bee

You all realize this thread was bumped by someone with a new account….and its seven months old, right? Don’t feed the ………

Post # 135
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee

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shine123 :  so you made an account just to write this incoherent ass shit to make someone feel bad? did you just bang your head on the keyboard in hopes that it’d form words, or is this how you speak in real life?

Post # 136
Member
4402 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

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shine123 : wait, WTF? I’m deleting your comment and closing this thread. Please take your abusive BS somewhere else, that will absolutely not be tolerated here.  

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