(Closed) Husband Doesn't Go to Sleep with Me

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I don’t think it’s a problem to go to sleep at different times, but your husband’s excuse sounds like just that—an excuse. It makes no sense to say that he’s not tired and therefore doesn’t want to lie in bed because he’ll fall asleep. If he could fall asleep in bed, that means he IS tired and just doesn’t WANT to go to sleep.

My husband often goes to sleep at a different time than me. But he still makes the effort to come to bed with me every night, and cuddle for half an hour or so. If he falls asleep, great. But more often than not he isn’t tired enough yet, so he leaves the bed after 30-60 minutes and comes back to sleep several hours later. I can only think of one occasion when he slept on the couch, and that was because I had managed to sprawl out and take up all the bed space and he didn’t want to disturb me.

Post # 17
Member
4232 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
shionna16:  

In 16yrs of marriage, there’ve been a few years where our work schedules aligned and we shared a bedtime. We still didn’t sleep the same length of night, though. A common bedtime’s nice but it’s not some holy grail kind of thing, imo. We’re still just as married and in love when we slept the same schedules as when we haven’t. We usually don’t eat or poop on the same schedules, either. The latter’s been handy with one bathroom homes. 

Just my $0.02.

 

Post # 18
Member
914 posts
Busy bee

I look forward to Fiance going to bed earlier than I do. I stay up until 1 or 2 to get work done after he goes to bed around 11-12. It’s easier to focus and get things done when he’s in bed because our apartment is so small.

Sometimes he starts to fall asleep on the couch, but I usually get him up, get the bed ready, and spend a few minutes with him when before he goes to sleep. It used to matter to me when we first started dating, but he usually gets up earlier than I do and I do so much work from home that an hour or so at night is nice alone time for me.

Post # 19
Member
3416 posts
Sugar bee

Not going to bed with you because he will fall asleep doesn’t make any sense to me. I don’t mean to suggest other things but his reasoning is illogical.

Post # 20
Member
1496 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, I think this is normal. People are different and having different sleep patterns. Asking him to go to bed early is no different than him asking you to stay up late so you can go to bed together. If it really bothers you, you’re going to have to come up with a compromise.

Sometimes DH and I go to bed at the same time, but more often than not, I go to bed first.

Post # 21
Member
5775 posts
Bee Keeper

I may be in the minority here, but I actually like our different schedules. He’s up later than me, I’m up earlier than him- but I like my early morning routine & as much as I love him, I also like a little space and time to myself. Sundays is the one morning of the week we both have off work, so it’ feels like a luxury to sleep in together and have a big, unhurried breakfast. Doesn’t hurt our sex life, we always find time fot that 😉

Post # 22
Member
1907 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Mine sometimes doesn’t either because we don’t have a tv in our bedroom. There is a tv in all of the other rooms though, so he will often watch tv until later in the evening and then fall asleep. He doesn’t do that every night, but he does occasionally and it doesn’t bother me. I get the chance to read, peruse the internet, or just relax.

Post # 23
Member
4918 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds like the differing bedtimes is more common than I thought, but it would bother me, too. If one of us is out late without the other person (DH’s pool league nights, meeting up with friends), then the person at home will go to bed alone. But if we’re both home (which is most nights), we go to bed together sometime between 10 and 11. Every once in a long while, one of us will go to be early (exhausting day, not feeling well, etc.) and the other person will stay up, but it’s rare.

I like going to bed with my husband. It gives us a chance to talk a little with no distractions and helps us find time for physical intimacy.

Post # 24
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

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shionna16:  We never go to bed or get up at the same time, our natural sleep schedules are simply a couple hours off from one another. At 10, he comes and tucks me in and we cuddle for a bit, then I go to sleep and he comes in around 12. In the morning I wake up at 6, kiss him, tell him all sorts of mushy stuff, and get up. He gets up around 8. We both really enjoy our quiet time, his at night and mine in the morning. I don’t see it as a problem at all. I still get 6 hours of sleep and snuggling  in between. It works really well for us. 

Post # 25
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

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NFLwidow:  Our poop schedules are too well aligned 😉 Thank goodness for 2 bathrooms!

Post # 26
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I used to get so bothered when my husband wouldn’t come to bed with me but I can’t MAKE him tired. Instead I’d just snuggle up next to him on the couch and if I feel asleep, I just asked him to wake me when he’s going to bed so we can go together. Just have to adjust. Especially when they aren’t used to having someone else to worry or care for, they don’t think about those types of little things. 

Post # 27
Member
859 posts
Busy bee

My DH and I recently had this problem – I was going to sleep much early than he was because our schedules were different and I was feeling hurt/neglected because I felt like he was placing his hobbies over sex/cuddling with me. Our solution was really really simple. When I’m ready to go to bed I let him know and we both go and lay down for 30/60 minutes. Then he’s free to get back up and do whatever he wants, but that “bonding time” is still intact. 

Post # 28
Member
3067 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
shionna16:  I frequently stay up later than my DH ( and vise versa). If I had to go to bed whenever he went to bed ( sometimes at 9 pm!!!) I would hate it!! I don’t ususally have ANY down time until 9 pm and thats when I like to catch up on shows/read whatever. We will climb into bed to have sex/cuddle/chit chat, then one of us will go to bed after and the other one will head back to the living room lol. 

I don’t think it is abnormal at all, but if you feel lonely maybe you two should just cuddle for a bit and then he can go back to playing games or doing his thing. 

 

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Boxerlover24.
Post # 30
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

View original reply
shionna16:  We have a similar situation and he is often up till the same time playing games. However we also seem to be okay with the arrangement mostly because he tends to “tuck me in” every night. That means he will either lay with me until I fall asleep, or I get a back scratch or “rubbies” (full body rub which usually makes me pass out lol!) Then he goes downstairs and plays games. I think because of the time he spends with me doing this, I’m not bothered at all that he stays up late. I got my cuddles, and I know he’s safely at home so I sleep fine. Sometimes peoples sleep patterns just don’t match up. Maybe this is something you guys could consider too to help feeling less lonely at night? 

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