(Closed) Husband doesn’t want kids anymore?

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Maybe he’s stressed out about fiances? I’ve found that alot of my friend’s hubby’s fluctuate with wanting kids/not wanting kids based on if they would be a good provider. Maybe talk to him about his reasons for and against having children?

Post # 4
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry. That is really hard. Maybe it is just a phase he is going through and will come back around to wanting kids. Talk to him and ask him why he doens’t know if he wants them or not. That might help.

Post # 5
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Did anything happen recently in your lives that could have him thinking differently now?  Have you asked (nicely) why the change?  I think he owes you an explanation at the least since this would be a major change in what you had discussed before.

If he was open to kids before, I wonder if he’s not just worried about finances now or something like that (rather than being totally against kids ever).  I think there’s a good chance he could come around if he’s just having some type of momentary anxiety but previously he genuinely did want to have kids.

Post # 6
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Have you asked him why? Maybe he is scared. He may also feel pressured by you or others. I am sure that if he wanted them before, he will want them later, unless something happened that has changed his mind. Try talking to him. Let him know that you don’t want children right away; maybe in a couple of years, or so. If you are constantly talking about it, take a break. It might be just what he needs to bring him around. Also, if you know anyone that has children, ask to borrow them for a night or two and show him that they aren’t that bad.

Post # 8
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Those all sound like reasons that can worked out! I would just talk to him and maybe set up a budget to see how much money everything is, you bringing home/what is outgoing. Also, you guys can travel and do all that and THEN have kids. Would he be willing to have kids but just at a later time?

Post # 9
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ooof. Not to scare you, but I have friends who started divorce proceedings this summer in the same situation.

For me, having kids is not the the most important part of my life dreams. I can see circumstances in which I will choose not to have them. BUT, I told Fiance before we got engaged that I NEED the option to have kids. I NEED him to support that. If I went home today and he told me that he no longer wanted to have children, I would break our engagement. That would also be a grounds for divorce, for me.

My advice to you is to figure out how you feel about having children. Is it something you need? If it is, I would honestly tell him that. We all have needs in our relationships (a certain amount of financial stability, a certain amount of intimacy, a certain amount of shared vision, etc.). There are situations in which our needs can change and we work through it (one of the reasons I could be fine not having children is if Fiance became wheelchair bound and didn’t feel physically capable, he has a medical condition that makes this a real possibility). I may be alone in saying this, but persistent unwillingness to meet a spouse’s needs is a legitimate grounds for divorce, in my mind, especially if you don’t have kids.

So, basically, you need to figure out if an ultimate decision not to have children is a deal breaker for you. Then you need to tell him if it is. I wouldn’t recommend divorcing him tomorrow, but he needs to be clear on where you stand. If his feelings are based in fear or youth or finances, there are ways to work through that, and open communication will allow that work. If not….

Gosh, sorry, I hope that wasn’t harsh. My guess is that he will come around if you are honest about how important it is.

Post # 10
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Just curious, how old are you guys?  If you are both younger, and haven’t had tons of life experiences yet, it makes sense (and is more ok IMO) that he wants to devote time to travel etc. etc.  If you are “older” (30s or approaching) I think his concerns are a bit more worrisome.

I don’t like the part how he said you might not be a good mom, what’s that about?

Post # 11
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

Well he might be right about part of it. People’s general level of satisfaction with their lives and marriages decreases after having children. But that doesn’t mean that it will “mess up” your relationship, or that he won’t want them again soon. I’d be hurt if my partner told me I’d be a bad mom, though. Sounds like you have some things to talk through.

Post # 13
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

Does he know that exposure to cat litter by pregnant women has been linked to schizophrenia? Tell him the litter is his job. 😉

Post # 15
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I bet if you started cleaning the cat box it would help you convince him that having kids might not be such a bad idea. I don’t like cleaning the cat box either, but it is part of having an animal. You can’t just get away with doing the fun stuff.

Post # 16
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

He told you he thought you wouldn’t be a good mom?  My feelings would be hurt by that.  I think it’s very important you clear this up now – if children are important to you, then you want to make sure that’s in your future.  Maybe couples counseling if that’s something you’re comfortable with (& can afford).

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