(Closed) Husband expects me to share my gifts with him

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 136
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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SoonAsYouCan:  *Crying* I hide candy as well.

Post # 137
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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doberman:  One of the many reasons I don’t want kids. Also, there is a huge difference between giving and someone expecting personal gifts to be shared.

Post # 138
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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stefzbee:  Same here. It’s the same reason I don’t want a dog…I hate being harassed for my food! 

Post # 139
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

This is actually kind of a funny situation. Last year for Christmas my fiance’s sister bought him a tool box with some tools inside. She bought me a gift card to a restaurant… obviously I would have to share this with him.. I’m not going to a restaurant myself. I wasn’t upset at all because the restaurant is our favourite, so I was excited to have a free night out. I was just sort of annoyed that he got a gift for himself and I received a gift that I would clearly need to share. Childish? maybe. But understandable. 

In your situation, I’m totally on your side. If you were gifted a gift card, it’s yours to choose what you’re buying. If you decide to use it for something for both of you, great! If you don’t… again, it was your choice. 

My fiance and I always keep our treats separated after holidays, if you want to share, go for it. If you don’t, it’s yours, so totally undertandable. 

Post # 140
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’d be a bit pissed too if I were you!

WE were gifted a target gift card for OUR wedding and as much as I would love to go and grab some new things for the kitchen, I have yet to use it because it it OURS and hubby should be there to help decide what we get. What your SO did with the joint gift card and a only new coat for him was rude!

We have already chatted about end of year bonuses and tax returns, basically whoever gets what can spend/save it as they wish. I will still prob put mine towards our joint bills to help us save for a new home, but it’s not required.

Joint gifts belong to both and should be used together. Individual gifts belong to the individual and they can share it if they want, it should not be expected!

Post # 141
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

So what I’m gathering from this thread is that everyone feels really strongly about gifts and sharing versus not sharing presents and it varies greatly from person to person.

I kind of feel the need to say that DH and I are both only children, and we share chocolate, gift cards, money from family, etc… heck, when Mother-In-Law buys him too-small sweaters thinking he’s still 18 or my Dad buys me giant sweatshirts because “oversized stuff makes you look thinner”, we even trade clothing gifts! So being an only child has nothing to do with your ability to share.

Post # 142
4 posts
  • Wedding: May 2016

We share everything no matter what it is. You do sound selfish. Do you guys share other stuff? Money, mortgage payments?

Post # 143
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Hell to the NO! Nobody touches my chocolate. 

On a serious note, even as a married couple that “shares” gifts, I still politely ask my spouse before I take/eat/use something that was given specifically to him. He does the same for me and my gifts. When we receive a gift card addressed to both of us, we discuss our options and decide what to spend it on together.

Except for chocolate. I don’t share my dark chocolate. 

Post # 144
8674 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

the problem is this is all incredibly dependent on how you approach marital finances in general.  I know couples who keep their bank accounts seperate and simply split the bills.  I know others who create a joint bank account and keep nothing seperate.  And of course, there ar emany who find some sort of arrangement that falls in the middle.

How you approach individual gifts is closely tied to that, I’d bet.  If I kept my bank account seperate from my DH, I would also keep my gift cards seperate as that’s only further individual income.  

If I shared all of my incomde with my DH, I’d share my gift cards with him as, again, its only further income.  I also wouldn’t care if a gift card was spent on something I want vs something he wants, since in the end it’s all comeing from the same bank account so it doesn’t really matter how the gift card is spent–it’s still alleviating the same budget constraint.  

Post # 145
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

We share everything, I think it’s quite selfish to hoard things for yourself in a family unit.  Then again in my household if I know he likes something more than myself I give it to him and vice versa.  

Post # 146
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - City Hall NYC

I’m the type of person who shares everything and he does as well.  If either of us get a gift card we normally get something for the both of us or use it to go out to dinner.  Even if its a gift card we got for one of our birthdays…

Post # 147
1365 posts
Bumble bee

I am a teacher as well. I am not permanent, just contract. I have ALWAYS shared my gifts with DH. My mom recently made a traditional Italian food and gave us homemade cookies and although I love them, I portioned out my DH’s share as he was not home for dinner the other night. What is mine is his, I share everything and have always been brought up to share. Marriage is a partnership and I believe everything is shared. That is just my opinion…

Post # 148
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think the issue here is the inenquality.  Meaning if you’re a couple that shares absolutely everything, great.  If you’re a couple that takes the whats-mine-is-mine-and-whats-yours-is-yours philosophy, that’s also fine as long as BOTH partners are playing by the same rules.  

This is different to me.  It sounds like whats-mine-is-mine and whats-yours-is-also mine.  Not fair, not equal. 

Maybe the OP can shed light on this (seems to have gone silent), but the way she phrased the spending of the Macy’s card to me sounded like her husband made a unilateral decision without her.  That would not be okay with me.  

How DH and I work: joint gifts or giftcards that fall under the realm of restaurants or movies go to both (unless one of us were going out with friends in which case I would probably say “here!  Take the panera card so we can save some money!”), gifts given to the individual generally stay with the individual. 

Post # 149
6217 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh man, the comments here are insane to read!  I think we need a little clarity because everyone seems to be stuck on the chocolate example.

1)  Relatives gives them a gift card to Macy’s as a couple.  As in addressed to both of them.  Without discussion, husband purchases himself a coat, using the full amount. Whether or not a coat was actually needed was not said – you are all drawing conclusions here.  What we need to consider is that it was a gift for THEM, not HIM, and out of respect, the spending of it should have been discussed.

2) Relative gives her, personally, a sweater.  It doesn’t fit (or something) and she returns it, receiving a gift voucher for the cost.  When she finally spends that later, her husband gets mad that she didn’t tell him she had it, so he wasn’t able to spend it.  Gift for HER thus voucher for HER – why would it be his to spend?

3) Student gives a candy bar.  She shares approximately half with him, he wants more later, she says she wanted to save it to eat with lunch.  I don’t even begin to see what the big deal is here.  People are saying if she wants it so bad, she can go out and buy another one.  Well so can he!  It was hers to begin with and she decides if and how much he gets.  Because it was a GIFT to HER from someone who doesn’t even know him and did not address it to him.

4) Students give her gift cards.  One is to BB and B.  Super.  He’s trying to spend it before she even gets to consider what she wants to do.  And btw, all of you who said she’s being selfish, she did say she was planning on purchasing things THEY wanted for the house.  The problem is the sense of entitlement that he gets to spend her gift.  As others have pointed out, gifts from students are meant for their teacher, not their teacher’s husband.  The teacher is the one helping the child, working so hard.  It is a thank you for HER, not something she should have to give to someone else.

Honestly, do none of you understand how gifting works?  If I was given a box of candy, maybe I would share it with my family while I was home.  Or maybe I’d want to keep it sealed so it travelled well on the airplane. My sister doesn’t get to decide that for me.  It’s MINE.  If she receives a book, I don’t get to take it away so I can read it on my flight home while she’s still reading it herself, or without her permission.  It’s HERS.  If I’m given a gift card, I might spend it on something we want for the house, but I might spend it on books and that, quite frankly, is none of my husband’s business.

The real problem here is that husband is taking the view of “what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is also mine” and that sense of entitlement is inappropriate and needs to be addressed.  She shouldn’t have to hide her gifts just to have a little something for herself, and she shouldn’t feel bad just because she wants something for herself.  They both need to be on the same page about gifting and whether that means they really do divide everything 50/50 or whether they say if your name is on it, it’s yours or even if they say we’re spending it on something we both agree on, is up to them.  however it is not just up to HIM.

Post # 150
5641 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

We share everything and don’t keep scores.  Our kids grew up being eager to share with each other as well.

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