(Closed) Husband expects me to share my gifts with him

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 196
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Anything food is ours.  Haven’t really been in this situation but the closest I got is that we got $100 for opening up a joint credit card and I asked if he wanted it towards his computer fund (he said we’d decide what to do with it later).  I love sharing everything and anything with him.  But I give freely never expecting anything in return.

He got four little cans of a drink he loves that’s from Japan.  He’s talked so much about it I definitely want a sip, but the cans are his!  I wouldn’t just automatically assume two are mine.  If someone had given them to ME as a gift and I had come home with them and he was like no way those are my favorites! I’d share 50-50 if I loved it as much as him or just take a sip to try it out if I never had some before and give the rest to him.  I hate tit-for-tatting.

Post # 197
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

dontstopbeelievin:  i think keeping score of who did what and then using that info to inform a current conflict is a recipe for disaster. if him buying the coat bothered you then you should have brought it up at the time so i’d let that go right now. i’d let go of the chocolate bar thing too bc honestly that’s such a small thing to share. 

as for the gift card- instead of just telling him you don’t have to share with him (kinda mean/harsh) maybe you could have said what you wanted to spend it on? or just said, oh i was going to buy something for myself/the house/etc. you sort of started things off in a combative way i think bc you’re mad about something already?

u seem really angry about what he does versus what you do and it makes me wonder if maybe theres some other conflict going on that’s beyond gifts? do u feel like things are really uneven in lots of areas?

dh and i have everything joint so we pretty much share. when i get gift cards he always tells me to treat myself and if he gets one i tell him to treat himself too. if we get something joint we often use it for the house or talk about what we should get. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  mrshomemaker.
Post # 198
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2014

It depends on your relationship obviously, and what boundaries you’ve set for each other. My husband and I share finances, food, even clothes sometimes (I’m sitting here now in a pair of his sweatpants) but there are things that we’ve determined to be ours alone. Our computers for instance. That’s not to say I don’t let him use my computer, or vice versa, but I do expect him to show me the respect of asking me before he does. With gifts, if they’re given as a joint present, there’s no question. I would never expect him, nor would he expect me, to give me a portion of a gift that was given directly to him. I might very well suggest we spend a giftcard given to me together, but that’s how we’ve established our relationship. It sounds like you really need to sit down and have a conversation about boundaries and expectations and sort something out that works for both of you.

Post # 199
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

I wouldn’t be mad about him assuming we’d share. He would. And so would I. We’re like that though. If I or he got a gift card to a mutual place it would definitely just be known that we’d be spending it together. If there’s something he’s really been wanting to get or something I really need or want, we’d probably just say I wanna get this. And then that would be that. Idk, we get what we need all different times throughout the year, so I don’t feel it necessary to hoard “my” presents just because they’re mine. 

But we also don’t split it just for the sake of “being fair”. And it wouldn’t be split. Like he wouldn’t expect to get half nor would I. I mean we’d spend it together. Like get stuff for the house or something we both want. 

Post # 200
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Miami

The chocolate bar thing, yes you sound nuts. It’s one thing if your answer to him was “ok, but leave me some! :)” but it definitely seems silly you worry about him eating your candy. 

And also petty about the BB&B gift card. He even said that it could be used for some stuff the TWO OF YOU had been wanting. I don’t see the issue here.

As for the Macys gift card… I don’t know. Sure he used the whole thing, but I guess I’d have to ask, do you still think of money and yours and his?

But regardless of what I or anyone else here thinks, there’s an easy solution to a lot of this. If you don’t want to share, don’t come home and say “honey look at this chocolate and gift cards my students gave me!” I mean, put the gift cards in your wallet and don’t bring his attention to the chocolate if you really want these things all to yourself. 

Post # 201
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

IDK how you do things but my money is his money and his money is my money. We have a joint account. I always share my “gifts” with him, chocolate or otherwise. I see your thought on the Macy’s gift card but if you are sharing an account then he saved the two of you money by getting a coat that he needed with the gift card as opposed to just using the account to buy it. My husband and i returned a $200 coffee maker to Kohls after our wedding. He needed… surprise… a coat! So we used some of the credit we got on a new coat for him. We already had a coffee machine but my husband didn’t have a decent coat for winter so the way i see it that saved us spending $150 on a coat. Sharing is caring!

Post # 202
Member
35 posts
Newbee

We are not married or living together yet, but I could see this being a future problem between my fiance and me! lol I absolutely can’t stand when my fiance gets dessert and doesn’t offer me some. I just find that poor manners. As far as getting money as a gift, that money is yours to do with as you please as long as all bills are paid. My finace got money for Christmas, and I don’t expect him to use it on me. It would put a smile on my face to see him buy himself something for a change. I tend to be very direct and blunt in our relationship, and these issues would be addressed pretty quickly. 

Post # 203
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I understand where OP is coming from and I think this is a each to their own kind of issue. 

For me,  it purely depends on what is given and the occasion.  

If I have been gifted something or some money for my birthday or intended to me specifically then yea I would treat myself. 

If it’s Christmas we share gifts from parents because they’re typically intended for both of us then we use them together. 

If I have more than him then I’ll share. 

I think it’s unfair for people to call you petty or selfish because there is nothing with wanting something just for yourself.  Yes a marriage is together but hey you’re still you’re own person after all. 

Post # 204
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

dontstopbeelievin:  First I hope you aren’t beating yourself up over everyones opinions.  You have a right to your gifts, and thats just how I feel about it.  What would he do if every single gift that ever came to you again was from a total “girl clothing” store where the gifts are all for woman, would he claim?  I dont’ think so.

That being said, its the whole “attitude” of the union that needs a little work on, and I think you realize that or you wouldn’t have asked.

I believe in not keeping score about who gets more, being allowed to keep your own gift cards, (sorry if his job doesn’t include this perk) and hiding candy, lol.  Yes, I hide candy.  But I actually do share much more now that I’m older. 

I think you two will work it out, you just have to come to a mutual decision about the gifts. Happy New Year!!

Post # 207
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

thehappywife11:  You said this really well – this is exactly how my husband and I do things. It would just be an assumption that we would share, unless one of the other of us wanted to get something specific, and then we would just do that. I like what you said about getting what you both need throughout the year: “we get what we need all different times throughout the year, so I don’t feel it necessary to hoard “my” presents just because they’re mine.” I also agree that we would just spend the gift card together, for whatever we both need or want, or something for the house (did that this weekend actually!). Honestly, we usually don’t even need to have a conversation about it, it just works itself out somehow.

 

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