Post # 1
Yesterday my husband got me a new cell phone as an early Christmas present, it’s the only thing I asked for this year because I know it’s expensive and my phone was broken. He got himself a new phone too, so it took three hours at the store and my husband was very impatient through the whole thing. We got home a bunch of my family was there and we were going to have dinner, but DH kept trying to drag me to our bedroom even though I wanted to visit with family. When we went to bed that night, I told him I was not really in the mood (mostly because I was kind of put off by his strange behavior.) he was very persistent and all through the night kept waking me up trying to do the deed!
Okay so my question to you is: do any of your husbands act like this when they buy you a gift or do a favor for you? I do not like to have sex because I am expected to and if I’m not in the mood then we wait until the next day, but when he does something big for me he wants to be rewarded and a kiss and Thank You isn’t enough apparently!
Post # 3
Have you two discussed how often you would ideally like to have sex? For example, if you are content with once a week and he wants it at least every other day, it’s possible that he feels pent up and is looking for ways to ‘persuade’ you to have sex. I’m not excusing his behavior at all, I just wonder if there is more to this than meets the eye. I would talk with him about respecting you if you are not in the mood but if this is a mismatched libido issue, perhaps you can find some sort of compromise.
This might be Too Much Information, but I will tell you what my SO and I do – if he wants to have sex and I am not in the mood (usually because I’m too tired), I will kiss and touch him while he touches himself. That way I am still ‘involved’ but not in a way that requires any huge effort from me.
I would try to make him stop viewing sex as a ‘reward’ he gets for something that he does and view it as an activity that you do together when you are feeling close, connected, and attracted to each other. If you two are having sex ‘enough’ (which is up to the two of you to decide), then I would let him know his behavior is completely unacceptable – and trying to get you to the bedroom while your family is there is totally weird.
Post # 4
Your whole post made me feel bad. no, my husband never expects sex from regardless of what he has done for me or bought for me. he may hope for sex but he would never ever expect sex.
Trying to have sex with you while your family is there is really kind of creepy to me and not listening to you when you said no repeatedly is just wrong.
I would have a very strong conversation with my husband if he acted this way and make it clear i am not a prostitue that can be bought. Feeling pressured to have sex is an awful way to feel and a huge trigger for me. i would make it clear that, that kind of behaviour is a huge turn off and will never result in me just giving in to his demands
Post # 5
@sassyfras27 We definitely have realized once or twice a week works for us. I have done the thing you suggested a couple time too! Lol I agree that I want sex to happen when we are emotionally connected feel hot for each other. It makes me feel cheap when he wants it in return for doing something. I would NEVER expect sex because of something I did for him, I just love the satisfaction if doing nice things for him without anything in return. That’s my view of how love should be!
@evallance Thanks for your advice and I will definitely have a talk to him about this, I am glad we have open communication between us so we can work though anything.
Post # 6
Woah, I would be put off and not in the mood as well. Trying to have sex while family is there? Eek.
To answer your question, no my husband doesn’t expect or ask for sex after doing something nice for me. We typically have sex about 3-4 times a week, though it used to be once a week (when I was on a different BC and had lower sex drive). When we used to have it less often, I felt like he was “asking” for sex more often, but now that we do it more often (with me initiating), I realize I just had a low sex drive.
I would suggest having a conversation with him and saying exactly what you said here. Sex should not be expected as part of an exchange or quid pro quo. Tell him you want to feel emotionally connected, so he would be better off trying to be romantic, attentive and trying to turn you on rather than “buying” the opportunity.
Post # 7
DH an I had to had a conversation early on about what things turn me on and what things turn me off. If I am feeling very emotional, for example, I don’t want sex. Same if I am tired, anxious about something, etc. He (like many men) could do it anytime I think.
I would sit down and have a conversation about what sex should be like in your marriage. Include the fact that sex is not something he should expect just because he does something nice or gives you a gift. He also needs to understand that no means no– regardless of whether a couple is married or not! If he needs release when you’re too tired/not up for it, he can masturbate.
Post # 8
What is he, a dog looking for a reward when he performs a trick?
I would not take kindly to this at all.
Post # 9
—> 100% Agree
Sex in a Marriage is not meant to be a REWARD
It is meant to be “one way” of expressing how you feel about each other.
And there should NEVER be any pressure “to perform”
Your Hubby has some weird ideas about sex in a loving long term relationship… any idea HOW this pattern came to be ?
Post # 10
@May2013Wedding: He isn’t a puppy and he doesn’t need to be rewarded for being good. Maybe taking care of you makes him feel manly and puts him in the mood though. Perhaps you are just perceiving it as a reward?
My husband and I have a rule – we don’t say no to each other. If I’m not thinking about sex, he can change that pretty quickly. It works well for us. I’d pick sex over sleep any day. I can sleep when I’m dead but I sure can’t fuck 😛
Post # 11
Not only is he not a dog looking for a reward, but you are not a hooker!
Post # 12
I don’t know if I read that right, but you had people over and he was trying to drag you off for a quickie? Really? What were your guests going to do, just sit around until you finished? I’m sorry, but that’s kind of weird.
As for expecting sex as a reward for doing something, not so much. I’ll use sex to show appreciation for stuff, but he doesn’t expect it.
Post # 13
Are you sure he was expecting it in return for the cell phone? I am wondering if he wanted to have a quickie while there were people in the house – like, a naughty, taboo type of thing? (I’m trying to see it from all angles because it’d be pretty shitty if he legitimately thought you owed him sex for an early Christmas present.)
Post # 14
I think spouses have the right to expect sex. It is an important part of marriage. It shouldn’t be an reward for doing something nice.
Some people get off on the element of sneaking around. This may be why your husband wanted sex when your family was around. I am not saying he was right, just offering a different perspective.
I don’t like being repeatedly pressured for sex and I think your husband should respect your wishes. That said, on the rare occasions that I am not in the mood I still have sex with my husband. We only refuse each other if one of us is sick or exhausted.
Does your husband feel like he isn’t getting enough sex in your marriage? I’m only asking because of his attitude.
Post # 15
My husband doesn’t expect sex for doing something, but he does want sex more frequently than me. We had a discussion about what our turn ons are, so it’s pretty easy for him to get me in the mood. If I’m really not feeling sex (i.e. cramps), I’ll usually just give him a blow job.
Post # 16
Are you sure he sees it as a reward or exchange? maybe buying you things and feeling like a “sugar daddy” is something that gets him going? I’ve heard of some guys really getting off on the idea of being the “provider”?