- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2010
We have been married for 3 years, together for 12 years total. We’re both 32, and are financially stable. We have a great relationship. He’s always talked about us having kids, and we had a talk last year that we would start trying (or pulling the goalie) this November. Well, surprise. I’m pregnant now.
Husband is so unhappy with this he is suggesting I terminate the pregnancy. Here are his reasons.
1) Not the right time (we both went to grad school so it’s like we got a late start in life). He wants us to travel more, says there are so many things we haven’t done yet
2) We live away from family (we live a 20 hour drive away from basically all of our family and friends) and he is worried about how we will do this logistically without any support
3)He is worried about possible medical complications from pregnancy on me (he is in the medical field so he sees a a lot more of those situations than normal people). He says he doesn’t want anything to happen to me and that putting me at risk isn’t worth it.
4)He is worried I will love the baby more than him (I’ve tried to reassure him that I would still want us to have a strong relationship separate from the baby)
5)Financially we would take a hit (we could afford for me to stay home and still be very comfortable financially, but we’d be saving a lot less than we do now)
6) We won’t be able to spend as much time together, go out whenever we want, travel as often (can’t argue that)
7) He is worried I won’t get my pre-pregnancy figure back. So am I, but I am going to try my hardest.
8) He thinks that lots of people romanticize parenthood and having a baby, and he really doesn’t think having a baby will make us happier. He is worried that our child won’t turn out like we hoped for, post partum depression and that this will put a strain on our relationship.
9) He thinks our quality of life will go down and that we will become unhappy.
10) He says it would be unfair to bring a baby into our situation because he’s not mentally ready
11) He says we can try again in a few years (we’ll be 34, higher risk, and I feel like 2 years difference really isn’t that much)
12) He is scared because it’s a big committment that we can’t back out of, and we seem to have committment issues in other areas of our life (house, a pet, etc…)
13) He is happy now and doesn’t want to take this huge unknown risk
Onto my side. Last conversation we had about this in late 2012 he said we were going to start trying a few months from now. Now he is back peddling saying that he meant we were just going to “talk” about the situation again, not actually “try”. He says he wanted us to talk about pursuing surrogacy (so I wouldn’t have to suffer through a pregnancy myself) or adoption if anything at all. He said he only told me that because I was pushing him about a timeline. Now he is saying he might not want a kid ever, which confuses me because in our talks in the past he would always say that we can’t be alone forever. We’d watch tv shows about families and babies, and he’d always talk about how that would be us in the future. Now he’s saying he is 95% sure he doesn’t want kids ever and that he most likely will never change his mind.
I don’t know what to do. I always thought we’d have kids and now he’s saying he’s pretty much always going to be against it. I want our baby to have a happy family life, and it sounds like we won’t if I decide to have it. I don’t think I’ll be 100% happy if i terminate because I kind of did want kids in the future and now know it will most likely never happen if we stay together. I admit that I was happy with our relationship, but never expected it to stay that way forever. He is looking at this like the demise of our marriage and happy life together. Now I am wondering if we should have gotten married in the first place since we don’t seem to want the same thing.
No matter what I decide, no one wins. The only reasonably “happy” ending would be if I miscarried because then I wouldn’t have the guilt of terminating a pregnancy. That’s such a terrible thing to think. I’m so upset and don’t know what to do.