- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. Terminate or not, I would be resenting the hell out of this guy for his awful reaction. What a jerk!
The only one of those reasons that is even remotely legitimate is the issue of your health. However, it sounds like he’s using that issue to further his own agenda.
It sounds like he doesn’t want children, period. Not now, not ever.
Do what is right for YOU. If it was me, I would likely keep the baby and drop him like a hot potato.
I’m sorry but your husband sounds immature. He also sounds like he definitely doesn’t want children…like ever.
Also, please take stock of what you’re afraid to tell your family. It’s a huge red flag if you’re afraid to tell them because you’re afraid of what they may think. What would you tell your sister if she came to you with this story? Your best friend?
Your husband’s wishy-washy – not that you need anyone to tell you. But I suspect you won’t win either way in this situation. If you terminate, and he later decides he wants a baby, he’ll retroactively make you the bad guy. You carry forward and have the kid, he may or may not come around. I’ll be cold here and say that I wouldn’t even take his opinion into consideration at this point, as he’s acting like an overgrown, irresponsible child.
Hiring a surrogate so you won’t have to ‘go through’ pregnancy (this is code for: I won’t be attracted to a pregnant woman/you might not get your body back)? You might love the baby *more* than him? He duped you, big-time. Completely unfair to say, “We’ll try x time next year,” or to even give the impression of wanting to be a father…then resort to douchedom like this.
Like the others say, start looking into resources around you…including those designed for single mothers. Get in contact with someone at Planned Parenthood.
Ultimately, it is your body – if you feel you would regret an abortion, and if you are uncertain about it, don’t do it.
I’m hoping your husband’s just having a knee-jerk reaction to surprising news…though his response is still extreme. If you *have* to do it on your own, it’s still possible. But I would never get an abortion for someone behaving so selfishly.
He had plenty of opportunity to use protection and to prevent this. He can’t shrug his shoulders now.
OP, I’m 100% pro choice, but like a lot of posters here, I think there’s no way you can get an abortion of a fetus conceived with your husband in a stable happy marriage for all these shallow ass reasons!
Give him some time, then go to counseling. If neither of those work, tell him that you are having your joint child and he can either choose to be a part of its life or not….
The fact that your husband thinks you should have considered getting a surrogate just so you wouldn’t have to chance the risks of pregnancy suggests to me that he has some sort of mental problem. Or…
he never wanted a baby. But it doesn’t really make sense that he would feel so strongly about having kids and then just use the pull-out method. I don’t buy for one second that he thought you were on the pill, I can’t imagine my husband not noticing if I stopped taking my BC. So maybe there is a tiny possibility that the shock and realness of the situation is just totally freaking him out, but damn that is a long list of his. I would really reconsider your marriage as having/not having kids is a total dealbreaker situation, and trying to get your wife to terminate a pregnancy without even considering how she feels about the situation should be one as well. I think you should figure out how much you want to remain married to him before you make any decisions about termination. It would probably be wise to make these decisions under the guidance of a marriage counselor.
Sounds like he doesn’t really want kids. Did you discuss this before marriage? Or is he just getting all freaked out now that it’s finally happening?
I have no advice, but his concerns made me think of the ending of a great series called coupling. The last episode, the wife is giving birth and the husband is still really not sure about having a baby until it looks him in the eyes
i would wait. its possible that he just has no filter and had an “oh fuck” moment and blurted out all his worries. hopefully, once hes calmed down then he will drop the abortion idea
i agree that the pull out method is far from foolproof, and as a doctor it cant be that surprising that you got pregnant. i would just try to reassure him that life doesnt have to end when the babies come – your relationship will still be awesome, you will still have time to pursue the things you love etc. hell, my parents strapped me to their back and travelled the world. they didnt subscribe to the ‘babies = game over’ theory. Things will change but it doesnt have to be for the worse
i am very prochoice but in this case i couldnt get an abortion, i think id have to go it alone if necessary
I wouldn’t want to have a child with someone who feels like that. We terminated a few years ago b/c we weren’t financially ready, did not want a child yet, etc etc. They are perfectly valid reasons. Him going on about you not getting your figure back etc is pretty low, though. It has been shown that marital and life happiness nose dives when children are born – he isn’t pulling that out of thin air.
Overall, i’d just think long and hard about whether you want a child with him if he is so anti-kid. If it should end your marriage, you’ll end up tied to him for the rest of your life if you have the kid.
@hspw714: Sorry to hear this. They sound like really lame excuses. If he really wanted to “not” have babies, he should have bring that up sooner not wait another year and accidentally get you pregnant. It could be that he is nervous or something like that. Maybe give him some time. I am trying to think hard on what advice to give you, but this is what I would probably do.
Have a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel. If you are thinking on having the baby and want kids of your own, I would probably give him some time and space to think and also so you can have a more relaxed pregnancy. Also, try to seek counseling. After that, the decision whether you will have the baby or not is up to you. Also think of whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Good luck!
If you want the baby and would resent him afterwards if you terminated, then keep the baby. I think you should be keeping your baby because it’s what you want. As soon as he/she is born, your husband won’t be able to help but fall in love with him/her instantly anyway (and he will probably love the baby more than he loves you too!).
Hopefully he’s just freaked out since you just told him about it, but if not then it seems like either way you’d end up splitting up without counselling. In one case you’d be on your own, resent him and probably hate yourself for terminating (since you want to keep the baby), in the other case, you’ll have a son or daughter who you love more than anything.
Delaying TTCing, then asking for termination now that’s she’s pregnant promising that they can try again in couple of years. Or (even better) finding a surrogate where there is no medical need or suggesting adoption to me sounds like he’s a carrot in front of the horse that’s she’ll never get.
He sounds like someone who never wanted children but married the OP anyway regardless of her feelings towards having a family. Selfish.
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