Post # 1
My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and have decided to start TTC. We normally have sex 1-2 times per week and since we’ve been TTC, my husband has been feeling resentful for having to have sex a lot more often during my fertile window. He said he feels “used”. I did not see this coming at all! You would think he’d be estatic for getting to have more sex. We both are wanting a baby and there was no pressure on either of us to TTC. He’s been open about how he feels, but I’m not sure how to deal with this issue. Anyone else’s partners feel this way or have any words of advice?
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2011 - Palma Sola Botanical Park
My hubs has said the same thing sometimes. He’s “joking,” but I think it’s not the sex itself that he objects to, but that he thinks the only reason I want to BD is to make a baby, and not because I actually want to! I don’t know if this is the case with your husband, or how you guys are, *ahem* going about it… but maybe try making the deed a little more romantic/sexy/kinky, whatever floats your boat. That way he feels less like a disposable sperminator, and more like a guy you’re totally attracted to?
Good luck! And I think it’s good he’s being open about it instead of clamming up and being all weird and letting it fester 🙂
Post # 4
My husband is going through the same thing. Although instead of feeling used he says he’s just too tired down there to do it. I’ve tried changing it up, but it does nothing for my husband. We’ll see how it goes I guess and hope for the best around my fertile time. Sorry I don’t have any advice but you’re definitely not alone.
Post # 5
@mrsgeorge: This has been a real issue for our marriage. It’s not that he feels used so much as it is he feels pressured to perform and it makes it hard for him to get in the mood. I don’t have much advice. Some of the women here say they don’t tell their husband when they’re ovulating to keep the pressure off of him, but that just doesn’t work for us. 🙁
Post # 6
Make sure you are having sex outside your fertile window. My Darling Husband used to say “Can’t we have sex just to have sex”. So make him feel like he’s still wanted and it’s not just about getting pregnant. Also, you don’t need to tell him all the time when your fertile window is. If you are telling him I’m fertile on these days then he may feel like the sex it only a means to an end.
Post # 7
I agree with @roxy821: that you should make sure you’re doing it all throughout your cycle, for fun. Also, can you just not tell him when your fertile window is? Maybe that will help him feel more like it’s just sex for the sake of sex/love/lustiness rather than only to conceive. He may also feel better if he knows that during your fertile window is when you’re most likely to have a higher sex drive. So yes, while that is when a baby would be made, you also may naturally want him more during those times anyway.
Post # 8
My Darling Husband doesn’t know when my fertile window is because it creates a ton of pressure. This means there’s only one cranky person instead of two.
Post # 9
I can’t say Darling Husband was ever resentful (he bragged a lot to his friends!) but he would forever complain about how exhausted he was. My solution for getting him to cut the whining out was to inform him I could always turn around and be one of those miserable women who NEVER BD’s with their husband. Maybe try that? It scared mine straight!
But I figure if we could BD everyday (the cycle we conceived) when he’s “exhausted” and he had slipped discs in his back that prevented him from walking and left him in exceptional amounts of pain- pretty much any man should do it any time in the name of TTC provided his loins are not ablaze.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2011 - Sydney, Australia
It definitely reaches a point where it can become an issue, especially after TTC for a while. I was honest about his feelings, and if he wasn’t in the mood, we waited for a few hours & tried again. He knew I wasn’t fertile often, and was usually just happy to be getting another shot! Hang in there. 🙂
Post # 11
One thing I heard is when your TTC, go like maybe a week without doing it (the week before your fertile cycle) so that his sperm banks have time to replenish. If your doing it every day then he will have a lower count since it can’t keep up with the demand. Seemed to work for my parents (I have 4 brothers and sisters hehe) That way he won’t be tired either ;D
Post # 12
@Steampunk Angel: Sperm regenerates every 72hours on average and most men have plenty of sperm to impregnate someone every day even if they ejaculated the day before. The sperm from the week prior to bd are old and more than likely no good.
My husband would tell me he was tired when we were trying. On those days, I didn’t force it. Nor did I get upset when he didn’t want to. There’s already so much pressure and stress involved in the whole process. Skipping a day more than likely won’t cause any issues since sperm can live for awhile inside of the body.
Post # 13
@mwitter80: Oh lol Well, that’s just what I heard, and I’m a virgin so what do I know XD My parents must’ve done something right though, they were breeding machines!
Post # 14
is there any way you can just increase the frequqency in general and not just when you’re fertile? that may remove the pressure and the resentment for only increasing your frequency when you’re fertile. I guess what I mean is, if its normal to BD all the time he wouldn’t know when you were fertile or not and wanting to pro-create vs. just have fun?
Post # 15
Thanks everyone for your comments. They’ve been very helpful. I have definately increased the times we BD outside of my fertile window, and that has helped a bit. I think part of it is the pressure to perform as well. We’ve been trying to relax a lot more about it since this could be a long road! I’ve thought about not telling him when I’ve fertile, but my husband is a type A personality and wants to know everything and make a plan! At least he recognizes how he feels and is willing to talk about it. Here’s hoping he comes to terms with it and just has fun rather than overthinking it. Thanks again ladies – nice to know I’m not alone.
Post # 16
I think that sometimes knowing that we’re in the fertile window freaks guys out. Makes their worrying about being a good provider really kick in. I guess you could not tell him that you’re in the fertile wwindow but he might figure it out anyway. I want my husband to know that I’m in the window because I don’t want all the decisions and presurre to be just mine. I’m the one stuck with the OPK’s etc. I would say to do plenty of talking, connecting and just having fun now. Hopefully you are young and have plenty of time to have a baby and aren’t on an age or health related short time frame.