Husband giving money to his brother and it's frustrating me

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What should I do? NOTE: money is coming out of DH account, not mine
    talk to husband to stop giving $ : (78 votes)
    86 %
    wait a few more months : (11 votes)
    12 %
    hint to brother-in-law about it (so he knows that I'm aware) : (1 votes)
    1 %
    other (please explain) : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    207 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Talking and being open and honest with each other is so important in a relationship. Tell him how your feeling, maybe the two of you can come up with an agreement to wait the 1-2 months and then if it continues to happen, your husband could talk to his brother to come up with an alternate solution.

    Post # 5
    Member
    10601 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I can understand helping people out when times are tough, but 4k/month?  Many people do not even make that much, let alone spend that much!

    It sounds like you are able to have reasonable conversations with your husband, so I don’t have any other advice other than to bring it up again!

    Post # 6
    Member
    10366 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    $4k a month isn’t a “beat around the bush” kind of conversation. That’s more money than the average family of 4 makes in a month. And as someone who lives in the Bay Area and has a Bay Area sized mortgage payment, I will say – $4k is a big mortgage payment, even for here. Our half million dollar townhouse payment is about $2100 after taxes, insurance, and interest, etc.

    If your brother bit off more than he can chew, he needs to be the one to man up and walk away. I’m sure the bank has already gotten thousands of dollars a month in interest for years, plus they will be able to sell the property at a good price right now. The market is rapidly recovering. Or, he needs to look into a short sale.

    Post # 7
    Member
    10366 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @violet25:  If your husband thinks that you are thinking only of yourself by asking him to stop spending $48,000 a year on your brother, you guys have much bigger issues. If it were me, I would flat out say that this is coming directly out of our future retirement/college/security savings, and that him brother needs to find a different way out of the situation.

    Your feelings on this matter are NOT less important than your husband’s/his brother’s. Don’t downplay how important it is (ie don’t play the “girl” people pleaser card!!!)

    Post # 8
    Member
    11233 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @crayfish:  This.

    What your husband is giving his brother every month is more than our monthly household income. This ish needs to stop.

    Post # 9
    Member
    13096 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    @crayfish:  “If your husband thinks that you are thinking only of yourself by asking him to stop spending $48,000 a year on your brother, you guys have much bigger issues. If it were me, I would flat out say that this is coming directly out of our future retirement/college/security savings, and that him brother needs to find a different way out of the situation.”

    This.

    I see nothing wrong with (if you’re financially able) helping out a family member short term who has gotten into a tight spot.  But $4000 a month isn’t helping someone out in a tight spot.  It’s crazy excessive, IMO.  And if your Darling Husband can’t see that, that is a problem.

    Post # 10
    Member
    752 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @crayfish:  100% agree

    I am just shocked when I hear things like this.  How can people people get married without addressing $$ and how large sums will be spent without a discussion and both parties agreeing??

    My Darling Husband has his own $$ and if chooses to gift that to someone that is his business.  If he were to begin spending OUR savings and OUR future on someone else, we’d have a huge problem.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2638 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2006

    Does the Brother-In-Law ever plan on repaying the money your husband is fronting for his mortgage?

    Post # 12
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Do NOT talk to Brother-In-Law about it. This is an issue between you and your husband. And this should have been sorted out before marriage, because if he is the type to think that forking out 40k a year to help family that is able to work is okay, and you think it’s not, you are not compatible. (Look, I get helping out. But helping out to the tune of 40k a year? Yeah, no.) I would suggest you go to couples counseling, because this is a serious and major difference.

    Post # 16
    Member
    12247 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    $4000 a month is MORE THAN TWICE what I make at my full-time job in a month!

    That’s not a mortgage payment–that’s a very generous living stipend!

    If your Fiance wants to help him, fine. But a MUCH lesser amount!

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