(Closed) Husband giving money to his brother and it's frustrating me

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What should I do? NOTE: money is coming out of DH account, not mine

    talk to husband to stop giving $

    wait a few more months

    hint to brother-in-law about it (so he knows that I'm aware)

    other (please explain)

  • Post # 47
    Member
    1144 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

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    @temporary:  tell him you want to go out to dinner. I’m not about to make him dinner- or his brother. Or you can make him dinner and leave him an invoice for the dinner at his place setting.

     

    This is not a Brother-In-Law issue this is a DH issue. I’m mad for you. That’s not right at all. 

     

    Post # 48
    Member
    149 posts
    Blushing bee

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    @Captain013:  The thing that makes me the most angry is that DH has no response to this:

    I told him that Brother-In-Law has had a job for a few months now (and by the way he makes good money)..,.and why is it that he has to still help him out …and for how long?

    DH has no direct response to this and can’t even tell me WHY he is still helping him and HOW LONG it will continue….

     

    Post # 49
    Member
    1144 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

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    @temporary:  I sent you a private message. Is there any chance DH owes Brother-In-Law money? Or had some problems in the past? Or maybe dh did something a long time ago and is trying to make it up to Brother-In-Law my paying him off?

    Post # 50
    Member
    149 posts
    Blushing bee

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    @Captain013:  No chance at all that he owes Brother-In-Law money.  DH makes a lot (he’s  a doctor)…but his brother is always leeching off him

    Post # 51
    Member
    307 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

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    @temporary:  

     

    Tell your DH that you feel taken advantage of and explain why.  Tonight should be the last check. 

     

    Since BIL’s having dinner with you to get it (presumably at the end of dinner), see if you can use this opportunity to discuss how he is going to return the money he’s been given thus far.  Say, he’ll write you a check for so-and-so amount of money a month for so-and-so amount of months.  Get this down in writing with dates and signatures and get it notarized.

     

    Post # 52
    Member
    149 posts
    Blushing bee

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    @Mokara:  BIL wont be returning the money.. DH says it’s  agift.  So far he’s given him over 20 THOUSAND dollars

    Post # 53
    Member
    491 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I would just help the brother out if he is usually a responsible person and has just fallen on hard times. You never know what might happen in the future and maybe he will come through for you and your family later when you are in need. Definitely talk about limiting to time to 1 or 2 months more. After that, maybe its time to all sit down and to see if the brother needs help to sort out his fiances as $4000 a month is a lot of money!  If he is mooching and taking advantage, cut him off!

     

    Post # 54
    Member
    411 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

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    @temporary:  Oh dear. I can emphathize with you so much. My fiance and I have been supporting his brother for almost 2 years. (Thankfully that has FINALLY, finally, come to an end.) Almost all of our arguments were about giving money to him. His story is a bit different: he left a very bad work situation to stay with us with the understanding that he would take a few steps to make himself employable. He failed to take these steps and wound up travelling the world, bouncing between staying with us and their sister for 2 years. He’s finally gone back home and is finding work and working out his life situation, but I can’t even think how much money we sent his way in that time. (Probably not as much as you though.) We were the only people in the family with money to spare.

    What made me most angry was that the brother was doing nothing to attempt to contribute doing that time. He is an incredibly gifted artist and a smart man but he wasn’t going out every day and looking for jobs, he wasn’t listing his artwork for sale on Etsy, he wasn’t going to networking meetings – he had essentially given up. And I told my fiance over and over that I wouldn’t have as big of a problem with it if he’d just exhibit some effort and appreciation. 

    I’d really make it clear in no uncertain terms how you feel to your DH. Tell him that you cannot and will not continue to sacrifice your happiness, the future that you both could build with this money, and that you feel taken advantage of in this way. 

    He will probably need you to have a fair amount of empathy and you will have to make it seem like you aren’t attacking his brother. (Boy did fiance and I have a culture clash over our ideals of supporting family. He just couldn’t comprehend that as an American we were raised with a different sense of responsibility toward our families than many other cultures are.)

     

    But, that being said, I think if I was you I’d bring it up with DH first, and tell him you are going to bring it up with his brother at the dinner so he isn’t suprised and shocked by your sudden announcement. You can mention that giving $20,000 to someone, family or not, is unreasonable, and he needs to have a plan to pay back at least some of it. You two are married – this should have been a joint decision, and DH needs to know that.

    Post # 55
    Member
    149 posts
    Blushing bee
    Post # 55
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee

    I am having the same issue. The number is lower, my fiance pays 1500-2K to his brother to help with his mortgage payments. Now my fiance is out of a job for 10 months. When he lost his job, his brother/family didn’t even offer for him to stop paying. Now, savings are dipping into warning zone and he’s forked out over 20K since losing his job to his family. I am fed up and want to say something but feel that if I do, I will be banished from the family. Not a good idea since I love my fiance.

    Post # 56
    Member
    2968 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

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    violet25 :  Okay so my response to all of this would depend on a few things… Is he GIVING his brother this money as a gift or is his brother going to pay him back? Either way I think you should talk to your husband because this isn’t a decision that should have been made without you as this isn’t just HIS money to give. Also, I would not say anything to his brother. The issue that you are having is with your husband giving your money to him. He is not being forced to do anything so you saying something directly to his brother is only going to create problems.

    Post # 57
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    Need to revive this old thread girls. What would you do if your husband’s family decided to give money from a house sale to him and none of his brothers (he is the oldest and most financially responsible). So now that my brother in law has a girlfriend I feel like my husband is basically paying for their dates, his food, etc not to mention lending him his car from time to time for their dates. 

    This is driving me nuts as we’re trying to save as well but he keeps justifying it on the money his family gave him and not his brothers. 

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

    Post # 58
    Member
    156 posts
    Blushing bee

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    jizee :  I would be upset, but in your case the money is an inheritance, which usually means its his money and not considered marital assets. 

    The topic ‘Husband giving money to his brother and it's frustrating me’ is closed to new replies.

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