Post # 1
Member
12 posts
Newbee
Hey, it’s my first time writing about my issue and I hope I can find other people who goes through the same thing and can give me some advice.
Im 24 years old and my husband is 30 years old, we have been married for 2 years and we have an 8 month old baby boy together. My husband has always had many guy friends and he goes out with them once a while, and he ALWAYS drinks alot. He has a huge ego and doesn’t like to be seen as a “little boy” or beeing looked down on by his friends , now that he’s married and have a wife. A few months ago he went to a birthday for boys and he drank so much that he passed out and I didn’t get any response from him until the next day, I was worried sick and with a little baby. I told him thats not okay, cause he’s a married man and he should be home with his family AT NIGHTS and not passing out somewhere. I told him, give me a specific time that i can count on you to be home, that’s all I want. He apologized but then a few days ago he went out to his friends house for football and he again drank so much that he was totally wasted. He said he’d be home at midnight and i went to sleep only to wake up 2 hours later and hes not home. I called him several times and he finally answered and was drunk. I said, you told me you’d be home by midnight, where are you? He started yelling at me and stuff, and told me he’d drive home in a minute. yes, DRIVE home, drunk…. An hour later he wasn’t home yet and I got so upset I called him and yelled at him and said you know what, just stay away why even bother coming home. He didn’t come home that night until the next day after work. I was so upset that I could not trust him again, because he has ALWAYS broke the promises he has been giving to me about not getting drunk and by when to come home.. It’s been a week now and we haven’t even talked together, because when I confront him , both in a good way but also in argument, he tells me that it’s my fault cause I do a lot of things that bother him too. I ask him what I do wrong, and he says silly things like why I didn’t buy a thing he wanted me to get from the farmacy or why I don’t let him finish talking and silly things like that. I tell him, look it’s never okay not to come home to your family, if you are angry with me, then sleep on the couch, but just come HOME. I later checked his phone, because of my trust being broken, and I found out that he told his friend that was also with him that night, that after he left them, he was SOOO drunk that he drove over in front of a night club. He just said I drove in front of there, not that he went in or anything else. Im just so upset with him. I told him about the message and he says he lied to his friend to have an excuse for leaving them and that he has slept in the car until work time. I don’t believe him, he has such a big ego and can never admit when he’s wrong. I feel like he is lying to my face and now I’ve tried the silent treatment and we haven’t talked for a few days. He comes home from work, see his son for 20 minutes and then goes to sleep until next day. SORRY for the long post, Im just so upset and don’t know what to do…
Post # 2
Member
2797 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
If he isn’t behaving like a husband and father, stop treating him as anything except a roommate. He doesn’t sleep in your bed – guest room or couch – don’t cook for him, don’t make his lunch, don’t do his laundry, no sex, treat him as a roommate. He’s behaving like a child and trying to make it your fault. Counselling is also probably a good idea because he’s not going to change on his own.
Post # 3
Member
12 posts
Newbee
KiwiDerbyBride : Yes that is exactly what I am doing right now. Except for cooking, I just cook dinner and eat and then leave the rest on the stove for him to take on his own. I would like counseling but he has such a big ego and he would just not agree on going to see a counselor I think, because he thinks that’s for weak people and he doesn’t need help.. But honestly, if you can not control your drinking and don’t think of your responisibility as a father and husband, then you have a problem, in my opinion..
Post # 4
Member
2797 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
It sounds like he doesn’t want to grow up. Something has to be done to make him change because you sound like you’re at the end of your rope (justifiably); I would honestly be kicking him out at this point. Next time he doesn’t come home, get a locksmith in, change the locks, pack his stuff and put it on the front lawn. If he wants to behave like a teenager, he doesn’t deserve a wife and son.
Your other option is to “two-card” him: find a counselor and a divorce lawyer, make appointments with each, and offer him the two business cards and ask him which he would prefer. If he picks the counselor, great. If he picks the divorce lawyer, you know where you stand. He needs to be shocked into action.
Post # 5
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
sarah93 : he sounds A LOT like my ex-fiancé. Selfish, self-centered and just does whatever HE wants to do and totally disregards YOU. My ex used to go out partying and drinking all night. It bothered me,but just like you I tried to give him a time to be home by….2am. He couldn’t even do that! He would roll in at 5:30am or later. You cannot fix him…..he needs to be the one who wants to change. you also need to realize it is not your fault, so don’t let him deflect and blame you! He is proving he has zero respect for your feelings. No one deserves to be treated like this.
Post # 6
Member
12 posts
Newbee
kimmybeenj : yeah you are right.. It helps to hear that I’m not the only one who have been going through stuff like this.. I mean how hard can it be to come home by the time you have said you would be home.. it’s called responsibility and keeping your promise to your wife, the person you live with.. Right now I know nothing about his plans, just know he goes to work and then off to play football afterwards (he plays in a club) and then whenever he comes home, it’s up to him, and he’d just probably spend 30 min with our son and then goes in the bedroom . I think to myself what a life, but at the same time, I wont be the one cracking, Im going to ignore him untill he gets tired of it and comes to me with some serious talk . Am I wrong?
Post # 7
Member
1579 posts
Bumble bee
He sounds like he wants to be 22 and single instead of 30 and a husband and father.
Post # 8
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
Sounds like he needs to grow up.. stop playing house and make some big decisions for yourself… can you continue to live like this? If no, move in with your parents. Talk about ego, the minute you leave it will be a shock for him. But don’t leave him with the full expectation he will chase you, this behavior might be his way of dealing with not wanting a relationship.
Now as someone who likes my booze and my friends, the go forward will need to be a joint effort. My FH often comes with me when I go out for friends, or we set up girls night/boys night where we establish if the other will pick the other up (DD) or if we will take a cab. Basically, its communication and setting mutual boundaries.
Not coming home at night is not an option…
Post # 9
Member
12 posts
Newbee
curiouscat2017 : Its funny cause he was the one who wanted to marry early on in our relationship and he was the one wanting a baby so badly and still he says that he doesn’t want to settle on just this one we have, he wants more children.. And Im like to myself, Im not getting pregnant again anytime soon, at least for 3-4 years.. its hard enough like it is now. And he even has the nerves to say that he wants more children. Its weird though, cause why would he want more children if all he wants is being “free” and not controlled .. ? …
Post # 10
Member
34 posts
Newbee
Being a father changes things. Who is his role modle in life? a grandfather? older brother? someone who can open his eyes a little bit. he is not acting as a good role modle for your little one and honestly he is not making the marriage worth your time at the moment. reach out to his family or firends or anyone who might be able to urge him in the right direction. It sounds like he is trying to be a college kid instead of a married adult.
Post # 11
Member
12 posts
Newbee
candy9188 : I don’t know anymore,.. But he was the one wanting to get married and he was the one wanting babies.. So I’m so confused about this behaviour. Because when he isn’t messing everything up because of his friends, we have a good relationship, we go to vacations and he spoils me a lot and is affectinite. But then this “friends issue” comes up, and Im just bound with my hands, cause I cant do the same, I have the responsibility of the baby, Im always home at night and evenings. He knows that, and that’s what hes abusing now. I’ll say, if I didnt have this baby, things would be different. I would just go out too, and show him how it feels like, do the exact thing like him and all that immature stuff. But Im a mom now, and I cant and dont want too. its just sad that he doesnt see it that way.
Post # 12
Member
12 posts
Newbee
fortone : His role model is his father, but I’ve been told by his mom that his father was also irresponsible when the kids were little, he was unemployed in a while and went out and got drunk all the time and shes sad about it cause she thinks that its their fault that the son is like that now.. But my husband is strange that way, cause if anyone tries to tell him anything or interfere in our relationship he acts really bad and just shuts down. His older brother is wise though, has 3 kids and doesnt go out and gets drunk and stuff. But our relationship is not the kind that I can ask him for help and it would make my husband absolutely furious if he found out I told about him to his family …
Post # 13
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
Go to counseling for yourself if he won’t go! It will help you sort out what you want and your boundaries. If it’s too much money or too hard to leave the house w the baby, try online like BetterHelp. It’s not as good as in person, but still not ad and better than nothing for sure. And if you ask them or google around, you can even get it cheaper than list price. My friend did and they gave her half off 3 months.
Post # 14
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
sarah93 : Ignoring him won’t help. That will actually just make his life easier. He won’t have to even bother making up lies since you aren’t even speaking to him.
Like the previous poster says, you need to shock him into action. Something you haven’t done, so that he knows you are serious. I would start with changing those locks the next time he doesn’t come home. When he wants to talk seriously, suggest counseling. If he doesn’t want to do that, divorce. Honestly, be prepared for anything. It sounds like he didn’t want marriage and a child. How long did you two date before you got married?
Post # 15
Member
3330 posts
Sugar bee
Yeah, he’s counting on your silence. GTF out. Do you have family you could stay with?