Husband goes out and doesn\'t come home

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

sarah93 :  I can totally empathize. You could ignore him until he’s ready to have a talk, but how long are you willing to wait? If I knew then what I know now when I was going through this situation I would have stood up for myself right away and not allowed anyone to treat me like this ever. It’s difficult to see when you’re in the middle of the situation, but once removed you will gain clarity and see this is no way to live. Your husband is acting immature and totally disregarding your feelings and your marriage. You don’t deserve to wake up all hours of the night wondering where he is. I know those feelings all to well and it’s not normal. 

Post # 20
Member
3311 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I’m sorry but your husband is “less of a man” and more of a boy. I don’t know that you can get someone in their 30s to change.

Post # 21
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

sarah93 :  Why can’t you???  Don’t use the baby as an excuse, take him/her to grandma, get yourself dressed up, and go out and have some fun!!!  If you don’t have family nearby, tell hubby it’s his night to watch the baby and go out.  

You sound like a great mother, but there’s nothing wrong with taking an evening to yourself! There is nothing wrong with having an adult night, which you may need for your sanity.

As a couple, you should also be having date nights too.  I can’t stress how important this is to not let children 100% dominate your marriage.  

The other thing that sounds like is happening is you are giving him complete control over the relationship.  You need a partner.

Other red flags to mention here… from someone who’s older and loves my booze… he left to go to a nightclub without his friends based on the texts you found.  Hmmm…. the problem is him and not his friends!  This is not a “friend issue”, this is a “husband issue”. 

The silent treatment isn’t going to do anything, trust me.  You need to start a dialogue or decide what you truly want in your life. He may have something going on he’s afraid to communicate, some husbands feel neglected post baby…  I once had a bf who was jealous of a new puppy, sigh.  Sometimes people want things too, but become overwhelmed when they obtain them (marriage/kids).  You won’t know the issue until he communicates with you, which won’t happen if you’re not talking.

Post # 22
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

sarah93 :  I’m with the other ladies, he is hoping you are silent.  Then he doesn’t have to deal with the problems at hand and can go about his life as he pleases.

I also say this with experience.  I did the silent treatment for two months while I saved up money to move out from my Boyfriend or Best Friend. He just thought I was being “moody” and was shocked when I told him I was moving out.  Lol.  Seriously, no sex or talking for two months is moody… ugh, men.  

Post # 24
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

sarah93 :  He’s deflecting as a coping mechanism, so playing the blame game won’t work.

Establish what you need to stay in the marriage, communicate those needs, and plan your exit plan if he can’t keep those needs.  Be straight forward… don’t assume he understands your side.  Problem solve together.

Keep everything mutual, if he gets to go out while you babysit, then you get to go out another night. 

If he doesn’t come home at night (cabs do exist where you live?) you will assume the worst and won’t be there in the morning.  Simple.  

Get yourself prepared for the worst case for you!  (My example of saving up money so I could move quick and easy since I didn’t have family nearby).  

Post # 25
Member
7413 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

The not coming home is bad. The binge drinking, blacking out and drunk driving are much bigger problems. Do you think your husband may have a drinking problem?

Post # 26
Member
6883 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

This would not fly, his shit would be out on the lawn and locks changed.  He is a father and a husband and has responsiblities to you and your child.  I dated a man like this yeah that is why he is a EX!  From the last I heard that EX has two kids now and still hasn’t grown the F UP.   Hell to the NO

Post # 27
Member
1618 posts
Bumble bee

sarah93 :  He’s counting on your silence so he can keep doing what he’s doing. He’s counting on your silence so his family doesn’t see what a complete jerk he is. He’s counting on your silence so he doesn’t have to grow up and be a man.

Frankly, you need to just leave. Is this the way you want to raise your child?

Post # 28
Member
584 posts
Busy bee

 

Reading this, two things came to my mind right away.

  • If he has, as you say, ALWAYS been this way, then I wouldn’t expect him to change. That’s not to say that people cannot change, but I generally don’t think it a good idea to marry one person thinking they will change into the role of man/husband/father just because you are now married. Can it happen? Probably. Is it what happens most of the time? Probably not.
  • The next thing that comes to my mind is that not only does he seem to be acting self-centered (prioritizing how he looks and what he wants over you, the relationship, and his child), but he is also acting abusive. If he doesn’t like what you are doing, then he should talk to you about it. Instead, he makes poor choices and then tries to blame everything on you. I unfortunately have a bit of experience with a guy like that. EVERYTHING was my fault. If he didn’t fall asleep at night, it was “Oh, you didn’t turn the fan on loud enough and I need the white noise.” Didn’t have a good day at work, “Since I didn’t sleep well, work went awful.” And one that stick out in my memory particularly, he woke up with a drippy nose, “My allergies are going crazy. This is because you brought me a bag of oranges. One of them went bad and got moldy. I can’t believe this, my apartment is infected with mold now thanks to you.” All from buying the guy bag of oranges…

I don’t see this guy being at a place in his life to be the husband and father you and your baby deserve (if he ever will be). My past experiences would lend me to say I think you should consider ending the marriage for the sake of both you and your child. That’s easy for me to say though, not coming from your shoes. And really, that’s a call only you can make. If you do decided that you want to stay and work it out, I would definitely recommend counseling – individual and couples.

Last thing, another poster mentioned this, but if you can, I think staying with family for a couple weeks would be a good idea. Sometimes it is easier to look at a situation from a distance.

Sorry for all the troubles you are having, Bee. I will be keeping your family in my prayers.   

Post # 29
Member
584 posts
Busy bee

I know I said last thing, but I thought of one more. If he seems at all aggressive when you talk to him about this (or if one day you were to ask for a divorce) please make sure your child is in a safe spot (potentially with relative) and that you are in a safe location. Have someone with you if necessary, but please stay safe.

 

Post # 30
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

He sounds like an alcoholic.  Give him two choices:  he can have his booze, or he can have his family.  He can’t have both.

my earliest memory of my father was him stumbling around the house so drunk he could barely stand while my mom called someone to come get him because she didn’t want him there like that around us.  It took dad 3 marriages, 6 children, and several eviction notices to get his act together and grow up.

You don’t want that for yourself or your children.  It’s not a healthy lifestyle.

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