Husband goes out and doesn\'t come home

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

sarah93 :  

Gonna agree with the other PP’s.  You’re married to someone who doesn’t want to be married. It doesn’t matter if it was his idea.  People go against their own needs all the time.  Now that there’s a child involved you need to take responsibility in ensuring a safe, stable environment for him/her.  So first decide exactly what it is you want and take the steps to make it happen.  This is a process he can either be on board with or not.  Either way, you need to move forward with as much support as possible so surround yourself with loved ones and make a plan on how to secure the future you want.   I’d suggest a little counseling to help you cope with something I’m sure you’ll find overwhelming so please find a good therapist.

In the future, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.  If he was this way before marrying you, it was on you to take notice and act accordingly.

Post # 32
Member
2678 posts
Sugar bee

I sincerely hope he doesn’t kill or maim someone while he’s out having “fun”.

Post # 33
Member
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

sarah93 :  

You’re fixated on him wanting marriage and babies first.  A *lot* of bad operators push for commitment.  That’s their way of ensuring that the woman is bound to him before he allows his mask to slip.  Then the Real Guy comes out.

His talking about marriage and babies meant nothing.  He was just baiting the hook.

I would suggest you attend some Al Anon meetings along with individual therapy.

No couples counseling with him!  It’s not safe for you–guys like this often punish their partners at home for what they reveal in session.  He wouldn’t get anything out of therapy anyway, it will likely do far more harm than good.

 

Post # 34
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

A once-close male friend of mine did this with someone.  He liked a girl, thought she was beautiful and a great catch.  He rushed to seal the deal “before she changed her mind” and married her. He instantly started pressing for a baby.  And she had not one, but two.  He used to stumble around drunk, and never treated his wife like she was his wife or the mother of his children after that. He was constantly out drinking. He was constantly texting his friends and villainizing this poor woman. All she wanted was a partner who acted like an adult, but he sure spun it to sound differently. They divorce within 6 years.

When I asked him why he behaved like that, he said that he felt like she was a great catch at the time and didn’t want her to be able to “get away.”  So he married her and knew that getting her pregnant would lock her to him.  Like a baby wasn’t a baby or his child, but just a chain that tied this young pretty girl to him so she couldn’t leave him and find someone better.  Then he “realized he didn’t like being a father, it was too much work to be in this type of relationship.”

Now he dates younger women in exactly your age range, because he “likes to be the experienced one” and that having a job and a minor degree is attractive to a 21 year old who doesn’t see the red flags in his immature behavior. He likes broke young girls, or emotionally troubled young girls. He’s dated people with drug/other issues.  I dated older when I was in college, and I always thought the guys had things together and were stable partners. Impressions can be deceiving. 

When I read what this guy was doing to you, I immediately thought of this ex-friend.  It seems like he got what he wanted and now he’s angry at you for being a REAL person who created a real family with real needs and spoiled all his fun.  You spoiled all his fun by agreeing to things that he claimed HE wanted.

The silent treatment will do nothing here. And, if children and maturity have removed the “21 and loves to party” element from your relationship….he’s never going to be happy.  He sounds like an alcoholic.  An emotionally immature, extremely manipulative alcoholic.  

Put your foot down.  And if it doesn’t create an earthquake in his world and wake him up, put your other foot down and just keep rotating those feet until you are firmly out the door and away from his toxic nature.

Post # 35
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

He doesn’t want to be married it seems. 

Post # 35
Member
11643 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sure he wants another baby. Like other people enjoy your baby, whom they do not have to take care of like a parent is supposed to. 

He has no responsibilities. So sign him up for you doing more work in your own so he can get the ego stroke of a kid who worships him. 

He is an alcoholic. He drives drunk. He is MIA as a father. 

youre hopeful because he wants you to be even more bogged down and unable to leave? 

Go to al-anon. You need to start putting yourself and your baby first. This guy is an ass. 

 

Post # 36
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

He sounds like a mean alcoholic to me. I am sorry. 

Post # 37
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee

I second the AL anon suggestion. His behavior is sad, it would be nice for you I think to hear others stories of similar issues and to have your voice heard for once. 

Post # 38
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Your husband seems like he doesn’t want to invest in the marriage anymore. If he has to prove to his “boys” that he’s able to hang just because he’s married and has a child…he was never ready to settle down. Doesn’t matter if he brought marriage and having children first. Many men propose to their SO even though they don’t care or want marriage. Many do it to ensure that you’re not going anyway and/or so you don’t see their true colors. Silent treatment may work but how long are you willing to do that? You definitely need to get counseling for yourself. 

Post # 39
Member
532 posts
Busy bee

sarah93 :  He knows he can do whatever he wants and you’ll still be at home waiting for him and worrying about him.

And he also has his pet—I mean *baby*—to keep him amused when he comes home, as well as a maid to cook and clean for him. How lovely his life is! Why would he ever want to change any of that??

His actions show that he disrespects you, doesn’t care at all about your feelings, and just wants to go out and live like a single man while having the benefits of a married one.

If you don’t get out of the house with your child (to be safe) and serve this alcoholic with divorce papers, he’ll never get that wake up call. If he loves you, he’ll do anything to change.

But if he does sign them, at least you’ll be free and can one day find an actual decent human being to be your child’s real father, not whatever this alcoholic is supposed to be…

Post # 41
Member
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

The first year of parenthood can be really hard and I think a lot of people say they want marriage and children without realizing what they’re signing up for.

Your husband sounds pretty immature and also like he might have a problem with alcohol. Drinking to prove that he isn’t a child is stupid and pretty much the epitome of not grown behavior.

His complaints might sound foolish but it could be that he’s feeling disconnected and doesn’t know how to get back “in” with you. I’m often the first one to say that men who feel ignored when there’s a baby in the house should shut up and change a diaper but if you want to preserve your marriage, it might be worthwhile to listen to your husband’s complaints as though he were your brother or one of your friends (meaning, as though you were on his side even if his side sounds hella dumb right now) and see if YOU want to reconnect.

Post # 44
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Horseradish :  I’m with you on this one. I think he has a drinking problem. 

First thing I thought when I read this post is “drink problem”. Alcoholism runs in my family so it’s more obvious to me because I have had front row seats to several shit shows all my life. 

However, I don’t think the drinking is the only problem, but It’s the one you need to tackle first because nothing else will change or improve until this does.

One thing you may be able to use to your advantage is his ego. He wants more kids because he likes the idea of having them. He just doesn’t want the responsibility. Don’t let him have his cake and eat it. I suspect if you tell him you will walk or even do so that will be a huge blow for his ego and because he won’t want to be seen as the man whose wife left him he might well be spurred into making positive changes. 

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